WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
& V) I: ~# z# g' z" gwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

, \5 Q5 s8 b  u( oDear Diary:
  K' N4 b. U2 H; R4 ~6 o5 y3 O$ I2 S; m
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
0 G) i$ W2 I( I: Xweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
" j2 T/ y1 X$ w# j0 ~" Kinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
& r8 v+ L! i% Y" `+ R  M
2 \9 L; u' a6 G( Q, B, gMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
( R% y+ R# J- x' |2 E
MONDAY:

/ L" i( Z9 q3 k+ N( `4 y. mStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
" I6 o: }4 A3 a. Jthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
- x& I4 @: [, ^
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
' K; M4 w+ [  d3 [8 U' ]was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
2 b7 s* @! L+ E) [( {
1 |# W9 A: A, ?6 |; PTUESDAY:
8 E5 t/ A. _, N& o3 b7 k- dI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
  m: r- ~$ k' s- |, p1 oall worthwhile.

: }0 D6 K, {. N8 {5 SI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

, n+ ^$ x. X5 @3 C) D. f/ ~WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
& U5 h5 A. M' ~6 P. Ia hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
9 f' s8 z0 _$ |4 y0 lsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
8 b: v1 ~! P" M  H4 y7 ^$ d: a+ lbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
" A4 ?7 e. u" [4 y2 x& F% L# Yearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
! f2 i( R& H1 R! r4 }Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
( u. S! m2 r2 P2 B9 \! Qtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
9 Y  V" i* C3 }, E% h2 V+ K' I0 e5 i
She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
" e/ v4 E, F+ S+ a( L4 z1 h# wBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
9 Y9 s+ a" N3 H9 G; Ubeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
) U8 N! C2 n7 Z) D3 h9 e+ t4 n: A& \$ whid in the men's room.

. u3 n) W/ W1 O2 V. S; E1 DShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
6 w- ~1 }, ?( d! ~# Vmachine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
1 ~1 I  `, q& [2 j! T' P) wany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
; r  |  v- o. O1 \anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

/ f/ u: p/ ~9 ]% `$ N1 O. m4 r4 O: cAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

9 L4 q! q; ~  }' cThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
! N& ^2 J7 @; |! S
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
7 M' T! v5 C* W7 r1 |strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
& H3 T8 }+ x- rhours of the Weather Channel.

* R' q5 _( D8 L. q- X' V# QSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
! a( s9 I+ t+ G) q6 Gand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
9 d( r4 K  h* d* r- imy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
1 m8 z' e5 P, y! w; p/ G8 q& r- Ca root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.