WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
4 x' M0 E$ _- t7 j& ywrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
8 H7 m% E: \6 S: e! A5 N$ a
% h+ M2 U* C5 ^- L8 V- |Dear Diary:
& R8 Z+ ~3 P. r. m3 x+ q
  t: j* n5 [& V# p5 }For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
- H+ C* x; T# @$ j: Y' w9 pweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
- b+ \; s- L- }' ?am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
5 p) {! R9 m! Y8 b$ Tyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
% \: g- t! k( N3 E- C0 xencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
& w/ [7 ~; C- q1 U1 I; }  N! jworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
5 V! x& w% L" ^' Veyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

+ o( H: K: O: iShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
% F1 p* @4 i/ V' M9 ]) k7 zthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
) d- Z; u$ ?; o2 hin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
4 y* z' M5 P, y) S
# B- B. j; K. K* gVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
0 J  `8 x- g* Y/ |6 K1 balthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
! S' s' O# X% \& _$ ]was around.

+ E( K) W5 O% w; k: YThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
! r. i) d3 M3 rI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
3 q6 D, V8 x0 C$ l0 vBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
- `5 a1 m8 b; nand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

& ]# g) t" d$ ?/ W  e, YWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
" W3 _0 G0 B- v$ pa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
8 n. I% W$ m4 O$ Qsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
% {+ n7 O" S* U2 `bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
" A" H& W, I' @6 r5 Nearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
4 H9 n( s& y1 Q7 A( \/ Pthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
7 _3 o2 {% z2 @/ h" MBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
7 ?) D2 N. ^, u2 |3 X2 Zmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
  m, c5 n/ U$ E1 c" [' I- ltold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
# ?6 b  I  I3 f9 y$ K3 q/ m
She said some other shit too.

& d( Y9 z( V4 k+ c1 j9 lTHURSDAY:
3 N! I* n: R$ N# @1 {Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
: N6 o4 w! T0 Utook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
( g! s3 U. H2 X+ QI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
0 M: t) U5 Z6 Q" z* ^- Q, j6 eany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
$ c! \- A1 D% L$ T6 Vwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
' X3 v1 V2 |! R3 e- p4 `& @the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

/ n- x6 C+ `- ?7 UThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
. n, q' Y0 S- w7 h7 @7 q  Xor the choir director?
# X1 H6 Q9 D' N9 \5 Y% @+ V& F6 f3 j
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
& k# P7 C: m, w3 Q$ C2 Dshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
& N' k+ i0 w$ W; ^hours of the Weather Channel.
. }- R( V: x- }
: _& _' x6 f0 u6 j3 K. ]- M6 USUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
2 v( M8 _4 O: @- C% [  {and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
+ z  }9 u  ^7 {8 J. E' S: \3 `. umy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
6 h6 j( h. T' l) N6 da root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.