WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

' y" o' D8 [- i5 y: kDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
  J9 `' M, J) W. ham still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
5 i! @8 |4 [% htry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
3 V8 j' ^4 S# S: h- r. }" R; ]instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
9 N& K- Z  u+ Q0 ume. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
# u7 `( ?. d" V& \# _* h0 L0 jwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
! v" K6 z; F9 ^# ]! X- ^
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
* r+ J3 h- c' |4 d- D0 Pwas around.

- |5 i9 b8 J5 d* O* MThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

( H0 i" s6 f: `. t& ~: wTUESDAY:
3 B3 _1 g2 L. I; f" z3 E6 HI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
/ S/ X0 x- }/ _9 h$ f5 ?all worthwhile.

3 V" t, w) |4 X, uI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
5 D# Z6 l4 p- `) {The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
" n1 [% Y" S! {  |& hsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
6 s6 q7 v. ~3 G, d& jearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; b! I5 u% f) M1 c# v  f9 e3 ~$ U+ o% GBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
) O% m# n+ {2 a) G. bmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
% E* H$ t# j# A1 Q! N; Q/ ~$ ?. ?told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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; i! z( K, g3 q7 |. @! EShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
) S7 N. t& l, D/ ]machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
  R6 p- h& J! j; U2 x+ jI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
5 i6 C+ M, @" o8 R  H) N7 xany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
& ^( t6 p, w& Z  H) d# uwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
' U7 Z0 l# s8 X; U  D* Q- k+ s% ythe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
' h  l$ s& X/ A
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
2 H. m( ~' S* C: F% U: G# h0 `teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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+ q- `* g9 R8 Y) DSATURDAY:
5 h( r1 D, I4 ~Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
7 ]" G" h. T' w- z
3 L  V3 D1 M; P) TSUNDAY:
6 _0 S5 d$ h- ]8 ^/ @8 GI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.