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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
. G: l* D8 n; E& J- N6 iwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
8 I, e v5 h( F7 y: _6 qinto a regular workout routine.8 _; _& [! A* ~( @* z; n6 x) y
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a: Y$ x: U# Z6 O$ e6 [
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I) n' @: P( l2 p5 A/ S5 Z
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25; A- W4 V! k9 }9 |- z9 x6 E& F
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
" M6 I+ e9 Y i# x$ o0 Vtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer; @$ D, B2 h7 i; w
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
6 \; b/ y0 Q, |& ninstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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) q9 R; g' n9 lMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club) ]8 Z( M$ p' B( o, x6 r& _6 j D: N
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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! A9 b, v$ ?$ b5 p- FMONDAY:
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4 y) v* |8 f! ?" N% Y9 K- e: U) TStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well2 O) \ E; Y1 D! W3 ~( [2 d6 I2 t5 {: f
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for$ g2 K; Q. Z e) z w
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
4 m! |5 w# v: R6 b9 g% ^9 d" |7 xeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
" g* t S* u* X; e- Z% Jthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her8 A+ _6 _: \6 A1 z# F! l" P2 g; a) q
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
, F7 }9 x9 `! N; f" Cwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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& N# N% V) X) M [Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
- N9 m# ?% g) w N9 {+ valthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
3 T! z+ [, J9 w" e" p" Ewas around.; f( k$ |# O5 `6 m! r/ ~4 F$ w( S
7 W) y; k# P }' s- d. C ~/ S3 IThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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) I3 @6 A4 |# jTUESDAY:
q, }. M2 F6 ~" z. d$ YI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
$ V; f3 u1 k9 {Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,9 S9 Z1 M: B% n( X( d" H0 d
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
( f/ P6 L& _ J9 qtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it' W8 z8 |- I7 i
all worthwhile.. K+ Z' d2 a# A. ^) n# x9 F
3 Z* a/ u1 s7 H0 u, Y6 t; o X9 }I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. k* Z8 T4 o8 \# p
/ Q/ K) `/ Q0 C G, J/ D# DWEDNESDAY:
' n& Q. I+ @5 X0 `The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on. l3 G6 K8 }+ G
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have, P, Y; s3 x6 a) U3 S& T
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to4 H$ B9 a5 V; M& s- c) S
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams4 M, E& p, i# Q" V0 @& x. y
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
8 Z/ ?3 s, q, N' Mearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
& N* g' `2 s: z" _$ F7 Hthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
! ^1 ]5 D5 l/ {Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
6 H# e0 k4 ?; e. h' L) ^! j- T; bmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda# t; S( P) |9 D9 y- d: O/ M
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.: R2 v+ n' O4 @" U5 n2 e* i
; Q+ f& M/ J+ |5 j& kShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
9 k2 X' T6 v( x9 g0 fBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as1 q/ q7 D+ p. f }+ N3 g
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help4 C! O8 b) Q1 H3 G W4 w- @- [
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda' e" x d6 M: P. g7 E' @& m4 J( ^
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
( d2 K, @, ^9 p; w8 ?+ k7 U1 Mhid in the men's room.
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+ R8 \8 t2 [: t& wShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing( e- C9 l( ]; f6 C
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:0 _' \% z2 Q9 s( t1 y3 M# W i
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated& x9 X i- K5 F) @' g! |
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
% q$ {& S( D! W+ Ganemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I6 b' G9 [7 d, v1 X* [; a& K
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
4 `0 s) u/ P) s6 [7 Z2 z% Swanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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" f4 O8 u5 v% }: r# R* lAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
8 G& ?+ X+ i; K% Z0 \8 _the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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! p& N M d/ P. c1 z" }The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition: r4 W7 U9 k" m9 G' g. s* b7 i
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach9 s, v+ o6 l7 t3 I* f j
or the choir director?+ [9 r- B3 ?3 H! e+ D& B) i5 D
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SATURDAY:
1 g0 t$ ^* d5 G4 k3 }Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
1 `1 x4 ?, G# A0 cshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
& Q; O N7 o2 c+ `made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the$ ?! ~, g) h' n9 p5 U1 a/ w; |
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight( I$ {2 _+ y, U' a* u2 ~
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:- j$ L- v7 ~3 a
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go% y$ R; i) @. z2 `. ]
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
; L9 I* Q* q! h! d& ~$ t' Pmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like" _& P% z6 c2 t0 q, J; C# [
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
