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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
& Y; p3 V: Q _- i- N. a$ Iwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get1 Q; j% P6 v" b, X
into a regular workout routine.) ]2 H) D" |" g* M& I ?! ^
# X- M C( @8 v w9 F3 ADear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
6 _+ @' C# L( u* @week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I K* A+ t, Q, d3 l, _
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 253 P7 p5 B: M8 M D
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a8 V* V: u0 \* u6 A, B
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer. i% W; k( N7 R) c- s8 x
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics( o9 h; I1 y, z: ]# M) @
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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4 p/ t: a6 A; A3 w" X; |0 SMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club% L4 ^6 g( z) o6 \# C
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
; b9 D8 Q# }6 K4 w9 {$ ~worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
0 w% q- q, K7 c% R8 ime. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
! _2 D3 ]1 T# q; Q" reyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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( `6 t/ e ^( `1 s* {; LShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
/ [* i' g& X/ i- _that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
4 i& t3 ?6 C4 Hin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
* @( H0 s R) E! V6 s* O9 Iwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.7 y. g: l$ v1 I5 ?* G6 p
' q8 g! p0 w. lVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,# k& Q' O* H) B/ Y( F- _9 P8 W5 r, c
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she g4 i, H- `: j, {
was around.4 z/ ^; V+ x- q% E
7 B2 m: Q' k9 qThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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8 Y7 L% i' H( N8 _TUESDAY:
& J! Q# Y* h3 \" t! gI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.5 Z. u3 H3 y3 Q. o' h0 K- G
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
2 u+ ]/ m$ ?& H0 g" t8 ~4 V9 ]and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the0 J- j5 J+ v# v; _% t @0 M; t) c8 }8 q
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
/ c. z( i& o0 X$ u; jall worthwhile.& l# P- f1 @; t! o7 E& T! Z! r
) W# O- K! Z! k' j9 kI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.2 F2 |+ g) { `0 k
8 t0 [$ {# F$ X+ j2 bWEDNESDAY:
- |. a# L c t# oThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on7 {4 c5 A! Y, a+ Q/ W7 N9 S: a# b
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have# s( ]: F+ [- @3 u) ^2 J- u
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
/ G+ i+ b. D: X/ ?" L- J9 |5 O: Esteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams' _$ |$ J3 A! g* x
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
o5 p% j& |; Y" d0 Eearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
3 t2 M# _$ X7 G2 _" T6 h$ {1 Y) Ithat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so+ R1 z& n5 x3 y: _
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a' r$ a: d n1 ~
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
2 [' T- X! N! R4 T1 R1 w6 H+ jtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.; j" f1 Q8 G& o) v6 _ _
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She said some other shit too.
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b; }8 ~# E1 S6 M5 l" n H T6 tTHURSDAY:
$ G0 H) |% p9 g& ~; d1 ~# lBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
/ C+ ?, x% M# K3 n& q9 Y- ^her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
$ Z& l4 i7 T4 `, c! S$ q* T* F2 }being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
0 {9 H! m( V" Ktook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
$ d4 e5 I$ x" _% ^hid in the men's room.
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: v, R, d; v; w: G* f- M$ q5 @She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing9 G/ t' k4 I8 L* x3 c1 F/ O+ F
machine -- which I sank.! U) {' v0 `/ ] p4 d
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FRIDAY:7 [# i" u+ W1 T7 ]
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
6 g( ?# q5 l5 ?- uany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
1 L# v3 O, U2 j' Oanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
1 V4 e+ w& T. A b0 Rcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda* `; U- f1 O$ j) U L
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!8 p) H0 a) N8 A* n w
# e0 J; q! Y5 z9 DAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me" r; X( @" E; F6 i0 J0 i' O7 K* W0 |
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.3 p2 c. [9 g/ r& A- s _
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition w) ]' E3 r& x. K( t1 u
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach+ b- m+ w' `. {( Q" f* m5 [
or the choir director?
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2 w- P/ ~7 K- Z, ^8 @7 eSATURDAY:& H4 d: R3 L) ^& f
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,8 P) d( Q8 G g/ v9 c
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her4 S/ L' u4 `: n4 w
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the F# Y- ]: a9 |3 w* o5 U
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight! b1 b0 X( p* j/ h R
hours of the Weather Channel.8 D" G( v3 P, r. t7 ?
1 j) |4 N& Y( I- H) L8 k$ d" I! kSUNDAY:; b% |* I: r: {3 Y1 u
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go3 A( K% o8 d, r) ~8 e% v
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
% c3 U0 b Q/ W' v. T' ymy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
4 t8 G8 x. e1 d+ g2 xa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
