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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
0 J$ z8 n, S/ g4 mwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get* V z' g! \* U: b2 k) Y. T6 a3 x
into a regular workout routine.
/ C* e& T8 Z' F- D8 K2 ~4 {$ Y3 t& D" I- i
Dear Diary:' ]. H& R& C8 X/ b
4 ?: {0 S* r* l6 _) h9 H3 V+ eFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
8 c( g# r. A1 `' ?week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I1 |: s+ V/ C y- f+ b, n& w2 v7 S3 N/ b
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
" V1 B, B) J6 {! u# Z) ^5 u. w- G- q; Zyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a% D: B. w2 K) i7 |) ~ K8 c8 l9 f3 H. x
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer6 K4 U" o6 \% u
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics4 A q8 n8 P. G) }7 Z% q4 K% Z
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.3 g" C: r/ i# F) A
/ ~) t: r" L8 _' aMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club. U, O0 U$ h; z
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. c6 F0 c, d( f4 l
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
1 P5 y) g, {$ q7 n0 W) tworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for5 U1 k, L/ G6 I9 q/ P' ^4 R& |. J
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
2 C) J4 q1 ?3 d* z: D% Oeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!; ?: |' L( F% u! y g- d. ]
U' p5 |' w0 E; OShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
, Y) R0 J( P; ~- R+ r' g+ z( ~that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
+ f9 L) A6 Z- I" qin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in. [! b3 X& X8 I0 v; J
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.( i3 k" f0 g/ g. I! {$ p# }3 |, I" W
& \, g0 {, W- G9 w% SVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,6 A4 t% Q9 N B$ T' M
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she, w* u1 G1 C6 G+ i" g0 p, f9 a( V1 u, ]
was around.
! {+ [. ?8 R8 D/ _
$ q3 ?5 {! B4 ~6 F" ZThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!% [) y( t" H! i' C
! I' T" M7 N, JTUESDAY:
% Y5 n3 Z! u6 Z$ b, GI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.6 b7 {; f( R3 f3 j# V( `6 @' y
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,) m. z0 f0 [# {5 z
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the% @, m6 ?# _# W. V
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it: V# E: c: \( `! t+ U3 W
all worthwhile.* W: @* B7 o: j4 v& y* N5 S
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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& \- L$ E( i; N- u$ qWEDNESDAY:7 E- z! X6 L: T
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on( G% o/ k3 F7 K" ?
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have+ M f. Z& D* T; I) O& A2 c
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
7 g0 E3 b4 c w: i0 Z+ Osteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
1 H) G5 P" @, p( ebothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
/ Q$ r, B( s- |& x: Rearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine N5 n, |/ K( ]0 _5 F" v
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
) q9 k- q/ w8 a. xBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
8 q5 Y, y& i/ u- z8 Kmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda$ y/ P0 [1 X7 Z+ A% @, w# \5 u; D
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.8 Y' H( \9 c- m& c6 I: M5 _
* p. ?; k4 P7 |! k8 |& RShe said some other shit too.$ w c5 Q; s- `- d, n
$ t, v. n9 [$ @: `THURSDAY:: t2 g: C6 u: y0 }& ]4 t
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
$ ^" H) v4 b, U' V' kher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help: x: e6 P2 {; x& s7 \
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda& R9 T: E" R8 r; a3 B. X4 k, u- F
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
0 ?2 P/ I7 u* K% whid in the men's room.8 E) D) G5 i$ a5 L
1 |7 `$ v: n/ g2 @She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing( O* B7 B$ K6 Y- F" N
machine -- which I sank.
2 \: | h: E2 |( E- C
3 Q1 {; w' w- Y7 G4 zFRIDAY:
! M. O" a& B( y3 c0 Q( |I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated* X8 X& d# ]) O8 V; O( w
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,, t) o* n& K- ^) y( n% D
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
7 y' U# i( n4 l: J2 gcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
( O$ |' ]( ?, h+ kwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!7 I0 R- @& q( W; t9 q
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
0 y: s- ^: I, c: D3 m2 X4 _: ethe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.- _& a/ e# I4 P/ Z/ { v/ [( M
& j. @: J. h q ?; }
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition" k: R1 t2 m3 G. Y: ?
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
& x' k9 B+ a, R) U9 Mor the choir director?7 t" M( U) ?8 `% o0 p# Y
) J' C2 b% P" B9 ]% CSATURDAY:
$ _, v: G5 U# U+ W# rBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,/ _: d4 i# w9 \5 T& o t
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her. A" U a7 F- S# ~/ U/ f
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the) l: z- ^+ l% K
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
& d% I F3 B4 v/ Ohours of the Weather Channel.; H7 k) x$ |4 F4 h0 f2 a6 N
, g7 W& ]5 H! D7 N; @, fSUNDAY:0 d8 l s) }4 \: z9 d9 e- }
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
$ f$ ]* i5 d7 W8 oand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,6 t1 o* R2 S! }+ V) _, V c" t
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like- B( o6 ^9 c% w) L$ ?
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
