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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something- o K5 w( }) P* A7 U$ r
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get: }; q( e* p/ B) s& i0 T
into a regular workout routine.
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, |. V5 M0 v! A# MDear Diary:* o. g! ~& J) H" {9 X3 [8 [% o6 ?
* L% N$ w3 V. }$ O9 Q8 SFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a4 Z* q; n$ c' R
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
+ t7 ^0 E! l- {9 uam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25/ j% k3 J- }1 P/ I0 \" B5 C
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
- q. U) R! w+ D9 Ytry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
! f W7 ^5 C6 Onamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
E1 U4 \' d$ A% i6 B2 minstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.2 y5 [6 }6 `$ T, t, A9 U* l
" h6 w X4 G" q' [# m' ~4 JMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club( p4 e% r% A* k% G( j2 T* j3 a' y) @
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress., L$ j! H. B. ^) g! u M3 |' ~# b
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
: \ p/ y( S0 t) Fworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for8 b3 l4 d: A; H
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
' [8 c/ [7 w! s1 ?eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!8 c! z5 P) J: Q
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed. d* K" n) u2 F+ x2 {. V) F+ E* C" g
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her8 @9 r" U9 D9 [/ i- X4 Y
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
7 C' U/ k2 h# i) zwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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% m, {. F* ^4 F3 Z$ E0 F& O. P9 |Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,1 [: S. F7 p' r+ w( ?8 R
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
7 } l8 q6 W! T. _7 W9 fwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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. o: D, U; K l. R* v# eTUESDAY:4 |# c. y& {( w9 _
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
* w2 V# l0 Q3 H2 SBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,3 ]' W' f3 k% _5 ^, i! a
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the; m5 S8 ?* j/ K. w7 n! G( _6 t* ~2 c
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it2 G7 E( ^8 Q. v B/ s% {4 S
all worthwhile.
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2 W1 Z! S) w* A' dI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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: ^& d# Y3 s! ?WEDNESDAY:# }2 |6 a8 @* }( A: k8 Q" i% R* t s2 l
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
6 r% Q# O9 \8 U2 R# Jthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
6 T* x$ H& E% @4 K0 f9 U& Va hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
, t. W) N& v7 M) Psteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams6 ~0 m3 X% z6 y
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for$ C0 b4 [) j" I7 f$ o1 _) H: x
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine7 s+ Z& J1 ]3 Y4 Q& \
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so/ U' L5 Q+ u( k3 k$ a
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a# K% p# c% M$ ?) C X# O+ j
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda+ W" E/ b6 H# Y+ j) H: Y
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life., N( Y" k0 ~ c( b
% n+ e/ n5 Q' A- _% DShe said some other shit too.
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9 C( C( P; K% v# ~0 q, w. mTHURSDAY:; I [: }1 `# l; b; K6 a, ]
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
% {1 l# L/ I$ j: x& j' u, Ther thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
& W: S2 a; G1 }! k' abeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda: `7 q. f( ^) p! M7 D S
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and5 P5 J6 a5 L& t2 z% x
hid in the men's room.
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4 E7 d2 o/ a- v4 G4 G/ A, ?& }5 M, `She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
6 y# r! d8 y+ X" E3 f8 O! Gmachine -- which I sank.
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# k; B4 l \; Q; KFRIDAY:9 ?% H5 P$ @4 s& r
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated* |/ S& H# S* o5 i- Q0 {# |
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
* w) h: f# ?' `5 l! r) Canemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
% v ^3 @/ Y M; G" s7 E- g1 ~could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
8 C* P t9 g4 O$ D1 V) Q6 ~) f" U$ ?wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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3 d9 ~) Z' X, ~2 ]" n7 T) |: [8 aAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
+ W" i' }1 O" Gthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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5 x5 T J* ^4 ?) \8 }& P8 |4 wThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
/ q- w+ ^. I; L5 g) n* kteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
' t0 a( C8 S6 Xor the choir director?5 F [: H, X* ]' M
$ ^# s. ?8 x1 A0 f/ ?1 _SATURDAY:
9 v$ y; d2 R( d C$ P. SBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,# K1 f) J: e) j7 j8 g
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
9 \4 b1 L8 T8 p: @4 ]/ @0 K, Umade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the4 w2 q+ ?8 `- p
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
& o) k" M! q( K. b3 s) Ghours of the Weather Channel.
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0 ^; K( W* g& G" fSUNDAY:% R; F% r" D6 M% V* v7 S( e
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
: a- \8 `- @' l/ B- a! y& gand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
5 Q: k2 y4 U% D# ymy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like1 y8 D c& \6 q) r: J7 I- O* d
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
