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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something& Y8 h5 {5 C7 |. X' [5 {/ p
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get3 S. U9 [; Q2 e0 B) k
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:# F( D' a9 K; V) X0 k" J' |
1 j" [* t/ v: R) S3 y% d0 Q; EFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a8 e5 W3 j0 R5 z7 o# q/ w
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I# g5 I# R U- w
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
# Q4 P( j2 H3 e9 X1 B* Pyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a2 ?( G$ F# y; r7 k
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
6 |# o$ m0 d- G2 z+ A' Y" Cnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
$ b8 H) s6 O( ? Q+ iinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.' s/ M% T% ^; z% @" m/ x3 e: u
e2 }6 J4 z/ X: a" N* GMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club# R) Z' `+ I- ~3 E) O
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.4 V* Q$ k B$ ], g, u
~" |; w& l5 j$ z5 n$ |. y: u5 e- NMONDAY:" s m# J& B+ `* X. S) {
/ N, n Z9 o; ]( f1 @! LStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well) b/ `+ J! [6 ?" F9 l" n
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
# X/ f/ X5 q& r0 fme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
, J. h" h% R# m3 P; geyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
) a* }! p5 \3 E0 @' w, [! B1 Nthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
2 u0 A7 i( @. \! S1 @- `in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
% y5 C: c2 F6 o! _2 A! c+ rwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,/ V' U+ A$ s" D' F4 r* p
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
6 U* w0 w9 ~, ` `2 r9 \* c# ewas around.8 c- l; ~3 q$ k
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
1 x" p+ n: n; @2 f& FI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.7 Z; C9 v6 a7 s) x: J7 g* B
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,! |7 H7 i8 x: t* Y8 _
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
$ K( s2 x7 G2 l0 t( etreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
7 F+ e e: Q' m9 W& Z- ~. d4 tall worthwhile.6 Y2 ]& n2 p+ j& F
& t. v7 A5 w" ^/ [' bI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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. u) _, S |8 G, f/ @6 A& VWEDNESDAY:
' _8 W! i H9 wThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
( ^& V/ S- P& @& [/ I8 b# q: w0 Othe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have5 W, D% Q, J; N0 }1 C4 X( \
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
B9 a2 l. `$ X8 l- Zsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams, c$ P* }8 |* k$ e5 I, q2 l. K
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for: \( L0 E. ?0 n
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine( G, o2 L/ k1 O z/ P d0 s/ i
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so5 S: d3 M* a; s8 T0 t g
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
/ r, D4 r4 K! ~* h5 }1 w/ pmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
$ y, Z, E5 }4 K1 i; Xtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.7 p" `& {7 c9 j# k
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She said some other shit too.# O0 Q$ p' {9 y0 f" q
7 S0 J! v! l# r& Y4 `THURSDAY:
; n- w1 S; l! i, H' |0 MBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
- ^3 p" b$ }; Q6 Z. r+ D( mher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help) E A7 ^$ }7 m, q% W7 C
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda* Z7 e) M" \/ S! n, o# i
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
. w; m, E$ {# P* ehid in the men's room.+ v& o) R* M" {" Z& t4 k3 e
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing8 F$ m' m( ]- ^1 b
machine -- which I sank.# X5 b! u5 C8 `, C
" A+ U, [+ c- }# X7 l+ A) d. XFRIDAY:
0 v4 ]" O* o1 I3 k+ D+ qI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
9 t \7 a8 k X9 V. S3 G5 kany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,6 R0 w2 D& p% r# A
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
2 D" E; a% ]9 J' mcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda0 x3 T8 [" H, T+ A. Y \* }$ r
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me, e3 _3 Y) q7 o% q ^) H
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich." p" Q$ H0 o+ a6 G" f
, f) q' a& }/ A; ^& H! H/ VThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
6 u( T& d1 ~) B3 z" w8 {; Rteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach' D( W! j& O, R
or the choir director?
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$ X, ^3 A4 y f, M& ?SATURDAY:7 S8 C% h4 D3 l$ h, W* I
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,2 f/ U3 B7 P& @4 X# C
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
* Z6 e) y- S9 O9 n9 R' B' Umade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
9 `2 } \, {# \( N5 mstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight7 M$ {. B: r9 e5 s; X
hours of the Weather Channel.
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5 f2 i0 F/ V1 Q/ s/ y- q, \SUNDAY:9 v# _* M, d2 h7 I1 n' S. N* P" X$ s
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go; j6 D4 i/ B0 O- n8 n: b
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,- q0 }& b7 a5 ?7 ]5 p0 Y s! N" B
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like# m6 {: f. A. J( a$ D) N+ o$ p8 o7 a: ^
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
