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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
3 X" }3 W0 K: ?( R; x,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
3 K% X) P5 u/ X1 l5 g; V/ \: o零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
  Y- g9 j+ F5 t3 ]3 C现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.- L5 d& i& u* N2 ^, b7 A
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
  l+ o. P8 A5 e. V' G, `7 o+ f眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.- ]/ g/ \, E# f/ Q5 x" K  G" u
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
; \4 E5 p2 J" h" ^0 h1 Z! x% ]/ ]猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
2 H) F  Q! R" P7 \( {就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
( l1 c9 Y' P% \. K: ?我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
. c/ h7 n4 O, a那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。9 [# u( h4 v$ A. Z, q
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
" a4 [2 h* l. i昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
9 F% ]$ B5 j3 \6 C/ n想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.. r8 T1 C8 ~: S* S4 F
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 1 F0 S) G5 @# P7 a2 ~% R
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?/ K7 c: G0 ]0 A& ]! _- r
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
$ J. z4 ~3 o! G# \1 h8 k迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
9 w' }5 z- f# s. b: b- v0 U$ ?最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.7 H( _+ H& h8 a+ A. B. K
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
) Q: |' G/ E" wWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….0 c' H0 J# Z/ q
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously8 B+ j. k0 }9 A3 a
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
2 r& V2 Y% i) e2 v多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,   Y1 X5 `9 v; ?, K- q# J% a
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?* S1 V8 g; B& Z2 v/ F  N
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
) @) E) i2 V) E$ T永难平息的泪
4 l/ l* N, `1 C/ M! ~每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
5 ~4 Z7 [& A# L* M~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
. w7 U0 Y! _$ F- C# i: }当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
" g- v/ q! D1 n6 b让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
; ^) i' K! F. _你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 8 r% n' h( t0 B: M, ?" e
一抹微笑;  G( F0 L: S+ `% _3 l# M4 c
一个手势;& X7 @. \. Y8 q1 F5 a# d7 O# x
一片话语,
6 ~/ ?  ?( @& R1 U9 g' ^/ O2 x0 Y/ s愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、  q. h. u! ]% d# z3 v* G6 ?
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner6 e% ]( q( d$ G  o# ^. O' J- U1 d
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
/ p/ |& w9 \) ?; W. D8 F这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling% M% b" z* `# S- d4 L* Z
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
: ~2 ~% M9 |- I6 X" Y# h# N起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
+ g; [, m* N; r, Q我并不以为然。; N% Y6 m8 s* A7 D
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
' d. H* @. }0 _慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
2 ]0 D! f+ f8 E2 S8 w  E- G被一种情绪所左右,
" z( @; ~* g8 A( O总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .9 O6 v/ \( j6 o$ F) `" ?
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you, u8 F& D7 d3 ?! @' B  \
也不问我是否喜欢你,: d- ^' S% Z9 b) p, {! x8 ?
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
1 C9 [  ]$ P4 `! X8 J0 G0 |只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
! o$ R1 g6 R) ^3 P: `# a  ?3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
& V% u% r/ v+ f2 H9 x1 H6 k8 s心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
# K# z5 i2 w4 J然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 7 c1 O  Y- |0 V0 q( j
你的身影已化成一种氛围,0 v8 a: h, t4 r1 R/ ?- M; y' j6 s
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
( K3 P  e+ b5 y: Q+ [* }你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
, ~$ c( ]. N! L. Y1 Y# C. u随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字6 t5 E7 K$ j  W8 ~/ m& d
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
; B+ t$ G) o  }8 C  t) w一种声音,and your voice
8 R0 J6 c' v1 V. s9 y. w也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.  y# Z( q" H; e; x) _# ?' h
掺杂著幸福的感觉。0 x( K4 V! R  f. w1 Q$ N
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land7 n7 @0 s+ B7 S
象雪花般撒落在我的心田," ~& `  a/ q$ g2 S& y8 R
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
) F" W3 e# E5 j. {  o纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。4 g; F7 R7 `. B/ @
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss$ S- Z& \8 W- ?3 T# R3 B  U+ o
有一个能够让思念的人,
2 B; V5 `7 N6 k. E其实也是一种幸福。/ a# u% e. x( E+ f! R
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
& u* n" y6 W# w: q: o7 t. @柔柔的海风,6 T* @! @, _" C( \. b
甜甜的夏天。
5 a7 K) W& u1 \7 |  Z3 l一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
7 R8 e# v# L2 f4 Y4 r只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.1 u7 w2 M' Z3 s) F
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.. r) D6 |" |- u$ C# n
想和你有共同的情结,
! V( G8 W* `$ F1 x. d共同的心愿。* E) z2 f& u$ h9 |5 v
1 U/ l3 Z$ b! G$ e% u
! I* t: T! Q' b" ?) E
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you- D" r; X/ t: _+ Y- D$ G5 {
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
; f* e2 S/ A# o5 U1 `或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film " C2 C* C/ o! v$ s2 e% X( c
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
- E0 |+ ]& g- K+ D『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
6 R4 B( F) H# l% j  T我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
9 J; @' h) s4 W' R浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
/ I/ e6 J, E. U或是轻轻的一吻,6 n, n- ]# {# u
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
2 X7 o; }2 f% V就足够了. That is enough.
$ u7 n+ |: C: j& F* _这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
  R/ p6 o4 R. ~% z0 Y' x终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
, Y$ ~; u& x2 @. U  P% A3 `# g* _萌出了芽,) e/ s% B2 {1 W( }) V% G, g7 n
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing8 b/ B% {# Y5 L% Z
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
, r' {  V7 R$ v2 J& H' x如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand. C$ e" q4 V( ?8 N$ c) ]- ]
能够牵著你的手,
* b3 q6 i  L# }) ?* l+ ]那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
4 g4 {, T3 D5 K- V让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
9 t, R% V$ j$ s1 i! o# m+ I慢慢地细读,( ^# {7 C/ u  I- X3 K: n) @
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. % f2 \# D& y  y6 z
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me . Y7 m6 I  ~1 o: j% j$ R. K
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
$ r* n- g5 F1 p$ D' ^& R就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:3 V8 B( _* n9 P
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
" Q1 K; c: C, C; G3 t3 g+ x) ?眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.5 r9 G4 {2 j: \. e& l6 \0 E- |; J  h
change to:lacked% P' S9 Q" D$ c7 D& H
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.0 l0 \  @5 ?+ {7 Z& Z
Cats often played at the whole hot night.$ O( T6 H4 l, o& d7 B. R7 g  r% P
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及& q1 I0 f- ~5 P6 N. e$ l
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.5 ]6 _8 j) h( |3 |9 G
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. $ J3 I. J; E% O( y& c& E
该为:throughyour hands.
7 D4 X3 b" a5 C  m2 p& {还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
太直。意境没有了。
9 a+ ~1 i3 ^- H& N. U# Z3 s4 i不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
. c) D/ e* n1 s& k8 Q: P. n# \至少比我强。2 }% J# ?! v5 }  x: E
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 2 _2 x, c9 x! D- q
$ y! M! g0 ]- ~8 v5 p, T9 ]
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
0 E$ e2 x+ ~) `$ l5 ^/ R5 w后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.. q1 N* \$ L* r' R. K9 R
谢谢三思的鲜花.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
5 O8 X  j2 \  T6 I前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
8 N+ a, y; u- REarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.3 g" W7 A3 q5 M5 U- S
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.0 m3 Q2 t9 T% A+ V* ?
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
: l. m, h8 T: s  Y* XThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.: n, r! d0 u9 o8 g7 I  u
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
; J: `5 C. Y, l/ XSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
2 X% b! u3 t+ |Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
# ]+ l; Y" k. p/ B$ n$ ^* a2 [! Llike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
* v; Q& m3 `! t; [/ SI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.; D" ]. @" N4 \* `7 G: q3 l; k' Y/ B: I
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
! ]8 U# T" X+ g; [That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.- E9 w; k* c' G/ V# I( X+ T4 i
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
0 u' \1 W, r2 [4 ~- B) SI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
! k" [7 W) F+ x+ w' e4 YIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
& O4 I( [1 U' d; i  o2 _Intoxicated then feel cold,
% i% y5 s  [  [3 e. b  G1 p. u$ b3 [the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.. N. ]9 s: b) y) q9 K* T; A4 u! @
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
1 Z$ t) \6 Y5 {The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
( o# z1 {" K9 yWhy I am always hoodwinked!
# [9 R5 r, ?  h5 `' ^) w8 K: JI have told myself many times cautiously ( a7 T/ g& X/ d3 h* }
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.7 c& r: @; q" c3 I% J
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.+ F! L" {6 O3 p2 d$ c& Y4 d
Why can`t I take it easy?# k% Y4 c8 R2 V% u' r2 C
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
" n- _8 i5 x4 ?' _6 A0 z6 f  kWhen the quiet night comes$ w( r: }. o* R. I6 ~4 I) _- }
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
2 r6 C+ l7 i+ i" `. [: _( D! a% z! FThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
! j* Q, ~, A) [$ P  M( kYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,. A. P* C+ K$ R4 @: c. h
light the dark corner in my mind.
4 ]2 C, [' h( V/ v5 h, V$ q. A) lI feel a bit of cozy.
4 `4 w/ [' n+ W' k, b6 k0 u- `The deep attached to you in a twinkling
2 Y$ t# F/ p0 j5 V, Smaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.; ^' F  Y8 ], G- P! b# p
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
+ I% b4 H6 j6 S" ?) t4 y/ s5 nbut accompanying with the time passed
+ z7 ~& ~# l; x! V+ H+ ~! MI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,+ C- K& [5 U2 W. z9 u
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
; ?2 Q/ `' j0 DWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
  L0 y% t% e/ D& A, n& j' Gonly feel gracious for your existing,) [1 g+ a( e8 R2 @
onlt want to do something for you.
0 e- h/ s& n1 }  S2 G9 wEvery time when you meet me- ?8 s0 K  A# O- |
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,5 G" o' d4 [, m% f! q3 Y% k
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
7 p+ h9 N( ]3 w) b4 G( \8 AThat live in my heart.% V* U* \# O; }% X3 e, n8 O
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
& ]/ Z1 ~& z6 t. P4 rEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice3 M7 g) L0 W6 L% E
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
4 u- C7 }) C- J( JThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
/ r6 K6 r( ^2 h4 I% fsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
) n0 [! h4 j, U& n3 eDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,& L) H, V# x& H! m
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.& }7 l* q6 O3 l3 f" {& l7 G' H
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
' u- V# _5 d& p% {& nonly waiting for you quietly
' v2 m, s& c5 O% h+ n: Hjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.# p! G( f; T% R, I" R) H2 i
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you " I9 t8 H7 w8 a
and enjoy the rain washing together' {0 n( @: u7 c3 i6 e4 o) E
or rush to a film
) X0 @/ S7 v1 @) [/ i9 d3 kor listen to a music quietly.. ^  j1 d0 q  S% H3 e
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
/ \! y- Q; r7 L* V* tIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,# I! `" G4 l0 |, D  k; U
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
8 [$ |4 G8 m! A+ E2 [/ QThat is enough.
! d! L$ ]% @2 B, b  N+ Q' [Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,1 j8 L9 O; e5 ]/ E
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
9 i  H* N* [+ w9 _+ \6 j7 w6 ithe same as my missing.; E% b9 a' n5 i5 a% ^+ C! K
It comes a little bit of verdure.
& z  G; j0 T+ `4 x! K5 _* EIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
: H3 ^7 r( j4 G1 g$ Z; ]# E; Othen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
) h* m9 z; H9 e. k3 o( s- aLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
/ h  ]6 {( T. KI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.6 [3 k% T- I7 A$ T
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
* _- M1 r8 G/ i" }" W8 J+ ]4 |  Othen I will have all care and ardor.. ?* S2 v" R/ L4 z
Shall we walk arm in arm?9 X9 N! Z( D" O) W6 j6 s. Z
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.  u' P: s% y: c' H' _% H
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.' T" u% ~9 Y% ?
I am still the same person of yesterday.
: c) c' C- c* x, D- c. kUnchanged name, unchanged I.+ T; u' g4 ?/ L" A6 _
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
# L3 F1 t7 I1 N% t, gLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk., W: Z7 w# ~" y* {( n. k
More or less,( d8 u& \$ v" k3 W
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
1 B' T, s# B$ G; k
& U5 [& i8 l  @Summer easily slips away
1 A* d* m6 h$ j1 ZThose long lost hot nights
* U7 Q  M+ y6 Q can only be found in the old days.
- l" p: ]7 l' d( m* E( ^* ^! m
, P2 t$ E' [$ F2 J3 ~; xCats jumping over the window sills,
5 i/ j3 n2 H; g9 vchasing around in the breeziness.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
6 y; q& W7 Q) h0 q8 |8 ~Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
+ V- w6 W8 z$ U. nLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around." j* @  u$ P# x9 r* j/ b! F
I am still the same person of yesterday.% n2 G+ P- t0 O0 O3 H
Unchanged name, unchange ...
: b! w; W# i, w3 j' @$ A
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
5 C9 u) x3 W3 D& \Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
; {+ p# w  n  z' H, p, \Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
2 v: z  [5 ?, Z2 Q& Y2 zI am still the same person of yesterday.# \& J! h: ?* z  C/ P' _* M& \
Unchanged name, unchange ...
+ _; P- T. _; Z. S7 L
i like it.
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