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Dress Code: ( C0 G% F/ r$ O2 R
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. # }8 }5 U% s8 d
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
% F0 [/ l* ]3 ^( m$ X3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
1 d# \8 P4 Z7 u, S5 j; z4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
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7 C5 O$ r' F6 }3 `Sick Days:
* s5 }4 X' A6 m& m! ^% k4 |1 FWe will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
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Personal Days: & b+ U' R @! Q: _( s i7 I. S
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
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! z2 n9 l- q" p" f9 U; J9 b7 CBereavement Leave:
$ f& }7 ]) F& ]6 n& z' p+ S1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
% u& w5 \( @) O# B9 P6 o: b2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements.
" {2 E8 P9 U7 a3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon. " W' P' S! T J) M
4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. ! T+ i4 F$ @! K2 F
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Bathroom Breaks: 4 o" e1 l6 Q: x+ ^! ]
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. 8 Y6 e: C5 ^+ m7 E0 U# t
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
6 \5 @" I, t9 J3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
& c H4 G1 x! C' V9 t2 |4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. . K6 y5 I) ?) y2 o% t' L$ P
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Lunch Break:
- c' Y$ H# ^9 o( U) q+ w1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
. y9 W2 ?* Q6 L9 |) M( W2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
0 O# }4 _* S' X( ^3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
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) g, @! E1 B& P/ M/ P2 s* m @6 s4 ~Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. . I0 Z, V4 v1 g4 U
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The Management
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+ r1 k+ o# A9 O' M' V3 q1 kPass this on to all who are employed. |
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