我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
4 b7 c  k9 I& A8 D4 OAt the first week we met
: x; a9 ]9 H" d# K9 I
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
$ {2 Q2 W" P7 q6 c- jAs spotting sky at a summer night
6 ~% R1 Y) `3 L8 f1 p! @! AThey are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
' ^# e) \' X+ ?2 }! FEverything from you is positive
* j- a2 P1 _7 ~4 t6 f: EYou blame me everything and everyday
* ~; j2 w; }+ p& g+ G2 }0 gAnd I think all girls sound like
$ q  y9 Z5 k' ~2 [1 P( f
% I1 v: K7 \  b; v, DYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

, A. N; E" x$ j) K0 GI fell in love with you
; L! d. O: b4 X$ O/ p2 GBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
! C* ?: L  p" j: f$ Y  C$ T0 p  JAnd that is the price for love

5 C" M( m- T& Jyou are deeply in love
2 d2 \3 }3 R- x* iEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
0 ]7 q! o9 h% }! E6 L
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
- Y1 B1 o6 R7 Mcan be shaped whatever you want
. U4 V4 K; I! A5 C0 [* v! v
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
* k7 [9 b8 @* S1 @5 Y; Zand I am seriously hurt
* o& V/ a. [' p2 v) a: v: ^. ]# g7 m
: y$ I! r& n" A. GI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
& r  t% e4 M4 i: F8 q# ^8 jmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

; F% }( D' r9 o# |6 b
( F+ X% v; c  ~咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
; Z2 \1 K: |3 b* E# f8 h不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
8 h& l0 N. v# `; Si am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
& l9 U' r# h  l; Y5 QI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
0 N/ N9 T9 U' h* Xthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
" L* O- C% g3 C5 Q6 [And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
* s, d  m+ T  P- ^. y5 VEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
3 v8 L& p% u6 G* ?And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


His hello is the end of her endings
7 u% |7 l' l. k* }Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
/ m: ^. A9 _$ z( O/ F! l& ]1 PHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
& Q5 i9 \& M+ }. P  z* e( V1 IAnd his answer is
$ p- I0 y/ F- |) [4 A; @I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
) |, ^  v8 Y6 B4 q9 g2 m
/ c- s4 N9 Z7 C: \Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
( Z8 i/ x; D$ m1 x6 s2 F! \) Rwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
5 F/ j. V6 g. WI looked at you and thought
: f* ~. G+ i7 q6 Q2 GHoly Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
2 h- l, t& T: zHow could it be dispersed?
9 j- s- B/ W2 ]+ C* G7 q' D: n
2 |0 \3 q5 G6 F( NFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* E8 h7 r/ s- d& l就和用中文写一次
: G4 {- V7 x% G' X4 u  S$ w阿,我爱你
! v; H6 W! @* _5 E* a" H; d% V你让我心跳好快
2 _2 M# G) V4 P. @% c0 U你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
! }+ `+ a2 k6 w" I不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
5 |1 T: D9 ]; }" Y( m  |6 f# x
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
" q$ [) w2 y$ X$ b! T* \) _至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
( _5 V4 r' u5 }. y  E/ P9 o阿,我爱你
( P+ g6 o) D6 R你让我心跳好快
" }/ B' [# @. T9 }8 j' l8 J你让我脸发热
7 B( Y+ V9 p$ H4 O, n" k我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

8 s9 s" P  ?- _% @/ n
5 W$ e9 @* F& s- m+ \靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。