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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
Falling in love
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3 S# r0 W! y/ T4 [! zI fell in love with you
; E+ L5 R# z; Y" `; {2 |) R, ^At the first week we met7 j" z2 K+ Z2 `! D8 j3 \" v* y, k
( |! Y3 i8 N5 r4 F
You have charm, you have looks) {. v% E  B/ D7 p- Q  T2 O4 X
with full of pimples in face. r& w5 U6 ?" c
As spotting sky at a summer night
( n# l% J# z' `' I5 jThey are shining stars0 n6 W* ~, P$ w  T6 g  D+ {

- Z& m2 U9 N+ \9 l7 AYour lip is so big
+ @' t# \/ P- S9 |0 ]And that’s good for a kiss4 F' j. n5 D% P9 V, D
Your body is chubby
1 J4 n. J  V8 L- F6 r4 HAnd that is good for sex
* j9 X) N$ ~, H
% j* C" \+ h4 P+ S8 Y; X7 R3 rI was deeply in love
0 d/ D4 r; L: @: |5 UEverything from you is positive
, C- p& S! g$ a/ T! aYou blame me everything and everyday: _# L( @" e2 W2 x
And I think all girls sound like
- A5 [  C% C7 u1 b* v! x' f" E
& k' `1 z9 }' d6 _: f0 ^7 f# mYou could not stand my eating
1 s# `/ _- r  B. x1 ?7 G/ J& VSaying no good for making funny sound2 Q1 R6 [0 i* g, o# Z! B# E
I think you are perfectly right7 V: L# w, ~7 V
Eating with sound is a pig$ ~- D. u0 N; s8 k7 z1 _* _
+ P2 E6 E, {- h$ p- S; D
I fell in love with you : E+ x# }, G) `' o1 o
Become a fool to think
. t- ~% j$ Q+ WAll trouble things you did- k* K4 {3 [  I9 {$ }
And that is the price for love- }. `( R$ W# ]) e* d3 E" C- [7 x, @
5 q+ a% p( s* ~/ e  p" X
you are deeply in love
3 ]% Q, p& p, [. L. A; K9 FEverything from me is negative# R" c% R' |. t. \1 ^5 z
"My man should be like this," D5 j. a) y2 |) K0 y9 e  H7 u
and I am helping you to improve'
# k. C; @0 e+ W+ N' j3 Q! R! m) P+ y1 R) Y1 D! r, R
You are loving me $ c. t$ q: `  ?. Y7 w) Z& C
or that one in your mind?/ {" [8 ]7 ^9 I
My mind is like a mud) w6 ?. y: s) R1 d$ ~/ G& a
can be shaped whatever you want& n3 `- W. m( }3 [) B8 Z+ f

! n1 Q; L. j* U- I, Z  }unfortunalety not my heart
3 b, A* x& L) [& `5 C) F8 G2 OIt is slashed by you
6 }/ U0 j' b1 x2 |6 F; k/ N2 Tand I am seriously hurt
$ a5 H" l" h; r' R( t0 k9 W3 d& r% u+ J/ D8 r' M- o
I will never love another   j5 v3 v* n) |; ^6 A+ T$ z
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
+ L! |/ H. x8 Q9 E) s  V% Mmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
' H' [- l8 C3 {! v, O; Y
/ h5 h* H/ D8 ]7 W3 K
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
  `! [5 E/ ]  B2 `+ w/ Y' _' k不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
1 A) I0 m  L1 S' Si am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
2 @" Z' y# V, h# z+ YAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
5 T/ S5 ^' _) Q7 R
5 {9 F8 u3 \* f1 {" y4 pwith the charm,1 ~. J" X' }: e% t) v- e$ w, u
with the simles.
, n# m9 K7 e4 X4 c+ cI fell in love with you
; P" K4 \% [/ U- SIn the first sign.
7 w2 w4 |' D6 O' O  P5 uAs spotting sky at a summer
' L' i: i6 S6 @; X) x
9 r, P/ F  j4 Y5 p5 }Your lip is so soft ' N8 p; O7 H. {
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
: W8 @& o  S: _, ~' i' H8 L4 |Your body is so sexy# @5 p, i7 r$ P5 I: m
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
4 g" L; ]2 K$ F# y# J& q0 D; ^3 v9 w1 u! [  H  ?& r
I am deeply in love- \- o  A8 m  g8 K3 F3 I( B, y3 c
Everything from you is so charming
$ S7 {% e/ c4 Oalthough You r so picky for me
* @, v9 \5 W7 `" a3 ]7 ?And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
: M) f. G% B+ ^) v& b' G9 cBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem$ J4 G/ C3 L) K0 T4 b

- Q+ o; q- |; L* G! J/ V$ q' Q% a9 F( R
His hello is the end of her endings, c0 C/ h  ^- f
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
% }& M* y1 _/ |; }: X8 gHis hand would be hers to hold forever
  v5 ?% S& l6 yHis forever is simply as her smile
' N2 c' Z% C: a6 e+ [1 ?. @He said she was what was missing- D% g. }& j5 L& ]# {7 C
She said instantly she knew
# \$ Z+ W* r8 @+ Z: M1 h1 q6 c5 _She was a question to be answered6 C) d- A" V! D7 m: H1 y) |8 R
And his answer is   x7 X1 B3 f( r, b: N3 \4 u
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
3 D6 @0 S1 }) f7 H: S; B1 p, X" m% j/ ]
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt3 B6 H. }5 o; ?  y, _
/ H7 f' `- H. B+ V4 X" ?
It's amazing how I felt
# l) N: b1 g/ T! J$ g& N: T9 J. ywhen I was with you
, X: {, q  U) B, HMy heart beat so fast
, M5 a% ]8 {! Y9 H8 d! \) Z) \I looked at you and thought- V. h1 i! ^2 {. E
Holy Jesus, you were so cute1 s2 k; S! h1 d4 H; z4 q
* F: ]  F& c( ~% O- m3 B+ g
You left me without a word
5 d; W% w4 T1 }# PI have nothing except my emptiness
0 P+ H( A1 v! r! k9 |3 DMy mood is like a cloud
: f" @5 n- u0 i3 `! I, _How could it be dispersed?
$ t8 ]% {4 p  p. H9 o
2 Z! c% d/ ?- eFeelings bite my heart - ?$ L4 e. X% Z$ q. _
You are the right one I wait( E5 j" d) O* e7 D' b
In the depth of my soul
/ R  \) x5 f% ?, Z4 L2 ]I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美0 j7 l7 \& h, N) I7 l
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) B% P/ i  \" i4 z就和用中文写一次
, _( \- t& g4 s# a: ~0 C" h& G阿,我爱你1 R# A5 u3 m$ n" E- T  i) V
你让我心跳好快
# [) ~. k" C5 b你让我脸发热4 f# L1 y% Y- K1 g3 x4 K
我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 _" u* M$ m$ F  ]4 jXXXXX* S7 H: I3 u% P  P* A4 O# J3 T
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
- Z( K# x- g0 D+ p, r; ~$ Z) b; ~' e. Y  u6 e4 N8 X1 `! y9 \
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER/ S! x) O! v2 P* x
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
+ b. X1 A5 N$ G, T3 Q: [闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美4 W+ A0 Z$ P4 G- m
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道; t7 i: w2 a: v- w
就和用中文写一次5 j$ Q* C, y/ ~7 A* i9 ?3 q
阿,我爱你
! s$ ]1 ^8 v6 n* w9 d0 D你让我心跳好快) d* U5 K: U5 T9 E- w
你让我脸发热2 c) P8 d" f7 ~+ F  v
我爱上你的大嘴唇
. t" P& C( l) Y% t, |' [0 z# aXXXXX1 d" A' A5 M& R. |
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

3 J* k. B5 m, e) `9 I4 g
9 \4 D6 l" q0 j; v  f  m靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.9 A3 G0 P( e, i: G* M
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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