我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
% A& H4 \# c5 w, @' Q$ a
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
/ q( F3 U! X5 m* G- AAs spotting sky at a summer night
+ r7 h  T0 [, Q! w& [2 b- `They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
& i- g7 F$ d2 u/ N* OAnd that is good for sex
( U# C; t( {5 U& R8 J1 M
I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
# s' B) q  A" P: }0 h, C: r7 f$ ]- g
, K) {$ e) I8 T; f* ~6 W; _You could not stand my eating
/ K6 w* t3 `' Y/ eSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
+ S" E  z4 z. C3 v7 I$ S% g" YEating with sound is a pig
( u0 K+ c2 J8 m& j& r; I: G5 I( M
' y* ?' y, j7 E' ?: I$ l2 HI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
5 a, ]0 K: i! m  e  s2 ^. v
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
6 H' q# N. T1 |3 Dand I am helping you to improve'

# b+ c* X8 ]' S/ q& s3 GYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
% |0 [( w( Q2 i+ z/ B. ncan be shaped whatever you want
! f% l, E& q- T! C, ^! ?
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
4 ^+ q- h: k7 k; i$ R! c) v! zand I am seriously hurt
- j8 J* ~! ]+ M, r, O1 `4 F9 E
' W2 a, v$ N, t4 e4 [7 CI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

: s- b/ I) M" E/ j2 O8 `4 r/ Q$ P+ R; `咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
- b2 C2 c+ M, I, }' x( k- y+ W; h不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
: D; ^. _) R7 ]7 \2 jAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 Z. b7 E5 v+ [1 l+ Z" J3 p
with the charm,
1 s$ X; b- _9 B( ?8 Lwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
3 ~4 }6 V% S$ g# A9 K# g$ H3 DIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
6 W: d( u4 l+ u2 \  M9 a
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
6 h8 n" h/ F  O; r. V" {Your body is so sexy
" y% [; S$ z/ L$ M. f( N. j. R4 n9 RAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
6 z& @2 ?$ y" l  X0 I2 R- J* y
2 [: S5 }; k# t, q& O+ `1 h6 NI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
& L! e  G3 {+ I" `& malthough You r so picky for me
! R! g( ~9 {5 D# W% ]5 `- e& YAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
2 N' E9 q. ?1 x' B; k4 n* cBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
2 @) c, R* r# H5 ]1 s6 f
9 ], z: i  C# t; L3 {
' F: p6 R; Z" w+ h$ G# c2 kHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
7 L5 R7 j0 f* Q) EHis hand would be hers to hold forever
/ @; R) [5 v- h# y, M6 MHis forever is simply as her smile
; v4 n' @" P  N- q) l8 yHe said she was what was missing
1 v% d; t' r, g3 c0 sShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
4 [: ]( @! C' K$ b4 v; T1 TI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
* R6 O& M) W2 c) K8 Y( [  K5 j
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

- t9 m: C; b' j. Y; t5 t6 fIt's amazing how I felt
* x- q* @0 z" ~, K: Cwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
$ n& N. P% K$ }% ~2 pI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
5 Y' J0 ]) F# r, e* V
You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
3 n& ^! }+ [  I7 M3 fMy mood is like a cloud
" i7 v, N9 f4 J" y0 aHow could it be dispersed?

* y. W+ X) X: y6 YFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
1 n+ {" c1 q6 R1 F' K1 QI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
0 j/ N* m$ t* E就和用中文写一次
/ f. x# ?) J+ M0 r; y8 I. D9 e阿,我爱你
7 o% b3 w. b1 ^$ G+ {; k5 H你让我心跳好快
0 g6 b5 t' v0 W: S8 D8 Y你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
% @9 L- D; q1 r- H0 m# x$ u不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

  x' r8 D" C  T3 F6 i" |% G如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
) @) D# D1 }5 i5 V& H) s0 U( r你让我脸发热
/ S' m% L; R$ t% ~. X8 B' D我爱上你的大嘴唇
( |6 r. S8 i6 H2 fXXXXX
! Z. B. ]5 Z$ N# q9 _) ]  U1 Y+ D不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

' e1 o- s) f6 D& P
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。