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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love$ O  K( r# W6 p5 O
, t1 |0 @+ o! Z- |7 I9 R* d# w* z
I fell in love with you
" Q' @8 ?% ~# Y& @* QAt the first week we met
# Q# N5 `- x3 M4 O! B0 I  J4 S7 l/ J. t- D% X) P7 O
You have charm, you have looks4 A6 Z$ r. X9 P& y! B7 I, T
with full of pimples in face
1 T  b& ?: I* o. VAs spotting sky at a summer night  A% Q4 n$ [* ?3 i/ M+ n6 {
They are shining stars% u9 }/ `4 {- w# O0 R
& v" b# x0 }  T% X" Z
Your lip is so big
  d1 g; z5 `  S' p  HAnd that’s good for a kiss' v& F4 P' t9 }1 [
Your body is chubby1 `& d4 j* w% e1 G( n* A
And that is good for sex
# [1 @5 P, A! y
, h3 |! @' s. G9 }( z. KI was deeply in love
& ]# S- s  ]/ ^# W2 w9 T) G, oEverything from you is positive
; V  l3 T, I  g6 r  ]' H+ ^1 zYou blame me everything and everyday+ q/ G  [* ^* v
And I think all girls sound like& s% s+ x( j  \+ L
: T- x0 X2 V+ Z( |+ u" Y8 R. d
You could not stand my eating
) G5 L; k9 _  |$ PSaying no good for making funny sound+ |; m1 }2 n8 c0 @
I think you are perfectly right( y" M, m! b* s2 \/ i. V
Eating with sound is a pig6 U; R' @- e/ f% i* B2 G5 ]

. I( I4 @  ~7 Y1 Q: e# WI fell in love with you
; U7 b0 I6 W8 eBecome a fool to think
* S8 i: |( Y% G9 j% w8 U; ZAll trouble things you did
% Y, `3 t7 R0 y% @: b& b" nAnd that is the price for love" V0 m0 h* X! P+ |  w4 T3 ?; \
4 b  l6 {4 i" H, j
you are deeply in love: o: n. f& J2 j: ?+ S' @
Everything from me is negative
+ [, _& m6 s& U! J$ F1 `"My man should be like this,
; p6 }. s3 q* Q; s' D: zand I am helping you to improve'
! g& f" |( G1 F$ E, y5 Q) X( g6 j9 ]  `4 _! H$ S* e( r; G$ i
You are loving me 4 n9 a- T6 E) Y; U% e4 }, M
or that one in your mind?
' f- A( ^/ V% {) Y& ^. G. tMy mind is like a mud. E! @5 T3 k- G, L) K: R4 W
can be shaped whatever you want
5 Z) S/ V7 d  ^$ a; m2 ~5 j% i: F! F' E- G! Q9 ~" p
unfortunalety not my heart* B1 t/ R$ f% H' k
It is slashed by you 6 C0 G3 j) p1 N6 u/ R% C3 g& @
and I am seriously hurt" g+ R$ m& c- {
% l% N* _4 p7 _% i4 u8 L" I
I will never love another * q0 Q5 X7 B7 u% @
If my heart can be fixed
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
' h" N8 N$ u1 b" |3 [7 q9 P0 A4 Amy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
! \. B& I% u: f% g9 G' }
: H3 _, i1 a4 p; Z6 f$ J
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!- s; S* M7 Y+ P; F; O+ l
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 6 K9 k0 d, A+ L" h
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
! k  x* S# V$ ~6 s' d. xAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
  Q2 n2 J+ y1 v" ~% H% J
" W: Y2 P" e# p  Vwith the charm,# h4 Y" r; N  J% J; [  I, g
with the simles.
& H" ?5 R  E: Y7 w& _- XI fell in love with you
" {$ r" X' j. p1 U$ vIn the first sign.
. w7 R8 g( E; `5 ^As spotting sky at a summer 3 r5 ^* Q2 q8 }2 U

! b$ r; s0 k, I: s( tYour lip is so soft $ d0 L6 l3 |- C% h
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
* H) O( L. y3 aYour body is so sexy9 \) F6 Q8 f2 k2 r! r
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
2 _0 r. m7 v7 a1 P. B3 W3 v" u$ t8 M
I am deeply in love
5 ^3 a( d  B& z# o9 w5 N2 vEverything from you is so charming  c+ ]$ ^+ e/ W1 W6 ]- ]
although You r so picky for me / @! c# W& C) C7 c. G3 t) A; a5 e9 a% D
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
5 w2 v+ Q, Z+ ABut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem  o) t& ^2 O( E, E5 P9 |

( k3 ^' a) [4 a, ^  [" M
; P" a/ W9 ?( ?# q, Y5 t: b/ X9 HHis hello is the end of her endings5 ?# g. I0 J0 Y' }# W8 U& n
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle* y! M# ~- n+ ^2 g: e+ R) ?* A
His hand would be hers to hold forever$ e0 ^9 O" G! b! P3 d( n% d
His forever is simply as her smile - K5 P& V) o$ O3 a: U+ n
He said she was what was missing
: V; z# j- P6 kShe said instantly she knew) [& _. n: I0 t/ ^
She was a question to be answered# O# A4 ?7 w; u- ?1 I* o
And his answer is
6 I) T& m! r3 x$ F. e0 m" zI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
1 h2 l  z0 m/ f& B; j6 g& l9 m* H) E* _
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
1 ?; \- e/ x5 V# T1 C
2 Q) Q( A+ M* k. S& @, \It's amazing how I felt
# x' i$ W& F; c' ewhen I was with you
2 c3 u. h, g, p( @$ CMy heart beat so fast
) q- B  m8 C; Y9 ~7 F$ `+ E* `I looked at you and thought
$ ?, u6 b, W  ~) ZHoly Jesus, you were so cute
1 J/ s: ?' E4 [% S- N+ m( |- U3 V. y2 m0 |7 U. Z! {  i" z0 K
You left me without a word
4 y( `1 Z6 j* D' U% u9 u% |I have nothing except my emptiness2 E, w- Z9 H, i  L. D9 R: u
My mood is like a cloud
% q. i5 q! q2 Z+ P& VHow could it be dispersed?4 Q9 q9 K- ]/ [9 A
4 G0 I9 o- O. g4 C
Feelings bite my heart
" `9 t/ T- ]  @! i$ d, d, [You are the right one I wait# \0 O! j. Z2 ?
In the depth of my soul# Y. z/ J( E: g3 h& k8 q
I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美/ z: H0 ^/ W4 \7 u5 v8 l
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% z, k; q* k& k
就和用中文写一次
/ N$ A# O) K7 }' C/ H: Q$ D阿,我爱你! A  o7 A) G1 t/ t- F' C
你让我心跳好快3 U! l' s/ R5 w: `; P: L0 }/ L- v- Z
你让我脸发热
* L, F$ e9 P7 G% T我爱上你的大嘴唇# _* l" E" |5 X# F
XXXXX
. L4 Q5 d# C( R' n$ y  q4 H不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
; _0 `$ M4 K- f- g, R1 \: x7 R( m! v; p
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
. ]  m1 }( j1 B) v6 K, m9 \至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 - R0 @) e1 k9 _/ N# I9 L
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
# s. U$ i, ]: a* v2 P/ X+ o* F你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; ^! A" k# t. R就和用中文写一次
* d/ V1 \' {4 D) A: l9 ]$ g6 Y  F阿,我爱你! i. T8 b% c  S1 g
你让我心跳好快. [4 f' o% X: x5 l8 _2 p, o
你让我脸发热
6 g# k; I( i4 V, ]6 Z我爱上你的大嘴唇
7 w( C; D3 O& e' j7 IXXXXX
) s2 C' s0 _3 {: ^6 k不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

% z' q3 \. [& T1 U2 H6 j- @( o$ e. h4 I" q+ F
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
6 t: G! Y" Z, Z: |
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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