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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love! a( H6 L" h/ }6 c
+ H6 D1 J& T0 g% A3 J- z5 X4 g% m
I fell in love with you
4 b7 c  k9 I& A8 D4 OAt the first week we met
: x; a9 ]9 H" d# K9 I: h5 }2 b8 ^( a' Y% _7 c2 r
You have charm, you have looks0 H) c+ u6 n; u# l' K, D
with full of pimples in face
$ {2 Q2 W" P7 q6 c- jAs spotting sky at a summer night
6 ~% R1 Y) `3 L8 f1 p! @! AThey are shining stars; P$ Q5 k: W* y$ [7 F
: Q8 `' N1 c, }$ Q$ A1 E0 A
Your lip is so big. b. H3 R/ L. [* r3 F9 t( ?
And that’s good for a kiss% w+ S' t4 k7 L% u# W9 V4 k0 P; E
Your body is chubby5 l" Z7 U4 g( W1 t
And that is good for sex3 `5 O! G6 M( u: J. N
4 F7 K; [0 k6 B2 H7 ~
I was deeply in love
' ^# e) \' X+ ?2 }! FEverything from you is positive
* j- a2 P1 _7 ~4 t6 f: EYou blame me everything and everyday
* ~; j2 w; }+ p& g+ G2 }0 gAnd I think all girls sound like
$ q  y9 Z5 k' ~2 [1 P( f
% I1 v: K7 \  b; v, DYou could not stand my eating( R' f2 k6 t. M" W: k  ]
Saying no good for making funny sound& r9 ^1 ~9 g) N6 p9 f& P& H
I think you are perfectly right  S% S) U; R$ r6 F5 Y1 X
Eating with sound is a pig, ^& W" o1 r/ Z$ h8 `5 n

, A. N; E" x$ j) K0 GI fell in love with you
; L! d. O: b4 X$ O/ p2 GBecome a fool to think( v5 I# m* y, ^3 E3 I* }5 w( G
All trouble things you did
! C* ?: L  p" j: f$ Y  C$ T0 p  JAnd that is the price for love0 W/ Q* T/ Z# H

5 C" M( m- T& Jyou are deeply in love
2 d2 \3 }3 R- x* iEverything from me is negative. k, k; \' K/ V9 R
"My man should be like this,9 S# I$ Z$ d# o. D; T! p
and I am helping you to improve'
0 ]7 q! o9 h% }! E6 L; b: u& g$ P* a* J5 T8 w
You are loving me 3 _* H4 T4 v0 s  F, u  d
or that one in your mind?6 A" q  L0 }# G' C' ~0 R9 R
My mind is like a mud
- Y1 B1 o6 R7 Mcan be shaped whatever you want
. U4 V4 K; I! A5 C0 [* v! v2 y% _: `7 A7 i* ~
unfortunalety not my heart, T3 W6 x* A3 E' z
It is slashed by you
* k7 [9 b8 @* S1 @5 Y; Zand I am seriously hurt
* o& V/ a. [' p2 v) a: v: ^. ]# g7 m
: y$ I! r& n" A. GI will never love another 3 r" s5 I8 Q, ?1 Q/ E$ L
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
大型搬家
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
& r  t% e4 M4 i: F8 q# ^8 jmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

; F% }( D' r9 o# |6 b
( F+ X% v; c  ~咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
; Z2 \1 K: |3 b* E# f8 h不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
8 h& l0 N. v# `; Si am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.8 d' }% h8 x: }1 k
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed+ |  _# v0 k1 J2 l# z
2 b9 h" v' H/ J) e8 c% ?& Z
with the charm,2 P3 ?( H! P7 N5 ~
with the simles.
& l9 U' r# h  l; Y5 QI fell in love with you & K  t+ B: W3 `& z' V3 R
In the first sign.7 M, \6 b  |4 u% r% w4 `/ y# D# i& z
As spotting sky at a summer / t8 D) }. k1 m8 J/ c( e/ p
7 d  S- V3 c9 q( Y1 b
Your lip is so soft
0 N/ N9 T9 U' h* Xthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss" `2 F6 B3 |; z, @0 P
Your body is so sexy
" L* O- C% g3 C5 Q6 [And I cannt image the moment I  touch u./ q( y) [# X$ V7 N0 O
% w4 {$ v( R" r% Y& V1 n
I am deeply in love
* s, d  m+ T  P- ^. y5 VEverything from you is so charming& j9 r: \+ c( n0 t) V
although You r so picky for me
3 v8 L& p% u6 G* ?And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.3 n. W/ N" p' G$ Z, [7 {
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem0 D  e# a+ j/ x& y
% X" g! G4 N7 b9 [; D
7 X; L! \) q$ P
His hello is the end of her endings
7 u% |7 l' l. k* }Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle5 g( J) u% ?: o. g7 q
His hand would be hers to hold forever) I- L% _- @# a+ g
His forever is simply as her smile
/ m: ^. A9 _$ z( O/ F! l& ]1 PHe said she was what was missing0 |3 N; f/ y  g! Q) q
She said instantly she knew& d' A- ~/ E1 X) Z9 J& _7 T. ]
She was a question to be answered
& Q5 i9 \& M+ }. P  z* e( V1 IAnd his answer is
$ p- I0 y/ F- |) [4 A; @I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
) |, ^  v8 Y6 B4 q9 g2 m
/ c- s4 N9 Z7 C: \Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt3 ]' f+ b! B6 M1 |
& r* s( g: V% w9 ~9 t5 t
It's amazing how I felt
( Z8 i/ x; D$ m1 x6 s2 F! \) Rwhen I was with you; [0 [) v0 {3 Y5 @5 j
My heart beat so fast
5 F/ j. V6 g. WI looked at you and thought
: f* ~. G+ i7 q6 Q2 GHoly Jesus, you were so cute, N- L/ I  k6 f1 M  c! p
1 B+ W8 k8 ]) m- D/ W3 b
You left me without a word3 j4 v: h5 _& v. b! L
I have nothing except my emptiness6 z% i! O8 I9 r$ ~- v
My mood is like a cloud
2 h- l, t& T: zHow could it be dispersed?
9 j- s- B/ W2 ]+ C* G7 q' D: n
2 |0 \3 q5 G6 F( NFeelings bite my heart & S* Q5 ?# \  Y0 j) Y
You are the right one I wait8 k' U3 a- E# X( U: b6 a( R6 q* y  s
In the depth of my soul7 g1 }$ |" N, b2 ~1 g2 Q
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美% k8 Y+ t/ m- D4 x% U
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* E8 h7 r/ s- d& l就和用中文写一次
: G4 {- V7 x% G' X4 u  S$ w阿,我爱你
! v; H6 W! @* _5 E* a" H; d% V你让我心跳好快
2 _2 M# G) V4 P. @% c0 U你让我脸发热, h" M6 ~! A( E$ c
我爱上你的大嘴唇* T2 o  Q/ |+ z. j
XXXXX
! }+ `+ a2 k6 w" I不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
5 |1 T: D9 ]; }" Y( m  |6 f# x. t/ N3 O( _9 `; T' ~/ Q' L
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
" q$ [) w2 y$ X$ b! T* \) _至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ; J3 S+ D# S7 s" c. W
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美4 }( {, X4 a, ^: \" O
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道; y, G6 ]) v. z' `. p$ Y2 V/ m
就和用中文写一次
( _5 V4 r' u5 }. y  E/ P9 o阿,我爱你
( P+ g6 o) D6 R你让我心跳好快
" }/ B' [# @. T9 }8 j' l8 J你让我脸发热
7 B( Y+ V9 p$ H4 O, n" k我爱上你的大嘴唇; p) W6 X; M" A" b3 |$ L6 e
XXXXX2 J& o. `3 Z# o+ n4 r$ b9 }
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

8 s9 s" P  ?- _% @/ n
5 W$ e9 @* F& s- m+ \靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.* z# q0 D( ]8 b& i+ X
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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