Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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6 }! Q  N% d9 _: X! L, e( q5 A8 K- uThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

% w' H( l# q- W% o0 Y2 W6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

- C/ s1 s5 n- G" g8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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4 ^9 z1 K& z% o4 N% y9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

# I/ s5 |0 L6 Q5 |5 m0 c! ^10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

/ G$ b9 [+ y( e! _11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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3 Z0 u$ \( m% k" p" y12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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5 L6 s, W1 |. W$ z15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

* n" x$ ]# J, ^4 O  ~16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.