Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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# d9 T- i# X/ h; Y2 TThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1 @4 f/ R1 R7 x$ U( w7 f- F1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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" r+ t5 e. o; o2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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9 s+ w/ P+ F) k4 \' n3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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2 ?+ U: [" c' ?1 U( O9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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7 P5 k" S3 O' g7 _9 Y+ A1 L10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

, l) Z2 ^+ S1 z. z% Z11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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! z: v2 I8 w( `5 Z* i7 Y. X7 h0 S; P13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

3 T* x( c! a% ^15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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( i% j% b7 U4 O2 D! |9 b9 I16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.