Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

- c2 E  V2 s9 G% E3 p# YThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2 y" P# u9 T7 q2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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& j0 }9 m- Z2 w) Y' N: G3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

3 D1 V5 |7 e8 W5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

  G  Z; [% d. v) q9 j" c5 a/ ?% u7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

8 a5 D. \( @/ c! p# E6 W10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

4 C7 l: h/ y9 t" w4 g7 G12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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- Z. ]$ Y  G3 K13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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* G9 h3 f& R( i. `% j15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.