Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

. j: p! M6 a- b, PThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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/ m9 M5 U. j: Y* A; Y) w9 d# Y- c4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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  D! {  O5 y9 M$ i9 n, `  Q! |5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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, A6 @- X& B+ e: m5 w/ {) k7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

8 P" y8 X' g0 P8 b. j* s10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

( y- ^9 G5 [9 E- m( D11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

' j. s/ p0 X8 h" [- V, b12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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3 x: P1 F, C* T0 ]( f: q% v5 G14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.