Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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4 S; `: L6 e( \1 B: L! j5 i+ BThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

4 \$ s' Q+ D. Z& n. f5 ^8 t0 b1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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" i* C  e. N- y) V6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

* w$ g6 v0 D' E2 I- s  \7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

6 g# w/ y: {4 N( x2 g8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

# F- y# c- _$ l& v10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

# B7 G! Q6 W5 D1 S# o' ^8 l. Y11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

, s, A" x2 A# [$ O+ ^. ]  x13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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* X' v* }) f# P: a" w1 j14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

$ v% L* \$ I, v& U15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

$ Q' R" u. h* Y$ n9 ]16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.