Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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) ^# n' l! Q8 w4 l+ e; c5 NThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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  H0 z6 m9 a! T) F2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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  m8 K! k% ~; i) `5 S+ J6 P! H3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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) k  o5 v! |5 Q7 M; e) m4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

( H9 l2 o) b% Z- L1 D$ C6 e9 P7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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4 T. M* v& U- o/ A3 h8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

5 o% d  h! B# Y$ h8 E6 e9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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; R, F$ D4 f+ R2 A10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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* b7 Y+ j. q4 Y7 S/ z13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

! ]; r! ^7 {8 q) O8 K14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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$ h7 B" M# {& E" }! d% B) p15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.