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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
; j4 [0 A) O! T5 x5 E1 \wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get7 i. ]+ D6 [$ p
into a regular workout routine.
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5 L: J) n9 X. {/ D. yDear Diary:( a+ @$ i+ I6 W& L
M7 ]9 T% H" ~9 F' C- ]For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a+ |1 _' I4 e- g: S5 i# W! m
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
1 G S1 V' ?6 E. X V, h5 wam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 251 [2 |" F5 L! y. {0 x& y+ m0 B, j7 w
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a* J0 r, {6 |9 v+ _: {3 p
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer! g: r) v5 D6 f; Y
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
- P! @, p" Y; [! ~ Einstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.- Q/ A1 w; ~' {: Q$ z
; D" C w- b( t! q4 z3 RMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club3 A- Z' ]4 b/ E9 H
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.: U7 C4 ~- G: ~
, R/ D6 \4 J1 A# {" k( z5 HMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
; U8 R! l5 i) c: D rworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
4 W. e1 T1 c i3 @0 ?4 ~& c' K/ A" `me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing' K9 I+ k4 c, C" v9 K
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!7 P" n4 n. Q9 w
/ [! l0 i$ _* AShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
& X& f- Q0 N* U$ b# Y* othat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
* U; G! j2 l8 T3 s* U8 k( e. y( oin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
# D2 |; O9 B. I4 {1 owhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
1 c$ F8 n+ q* j4 A+ e _) W9 jalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she. }, g& v% C2 ^+ }- R9 S3 i7 I
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!5 `! Q# y4 g1 P9 {# c. J
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TUESDAY:
u& @5 Z( L/ jI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.: ?( M# D' r0 V& S8 N
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,2 b* Y$ D* L6 l# p- l9 @5 W
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the' {$ ^ v O; E! ]
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
8 J7 h- p, y+ I( e X( Mall worthwhile.! e/ c6 ^: E/ h! R% e
' Q) Q% h+ Z5 p9 u6 J" Y/ kI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.: q! t; P* I3 u
) J. n* f6 K1 ?- M; gWEDNESDAY:" M' X/ ]9 d1 s$ N' | T( p
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
* ~6 N& v; r+ ~6 Y% l4 `$ bthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have" X/ G; u4 i. g3 [6 g# o
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to. n3 S3 t$ `2 U3 _7 E
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
o6 o/ s( l. b/ T r7 Dbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for+ G8 b5 b& R+ a2 R6 q0 x! M9 u: k
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
- M8 p& E3 _' P$ O' ^& Hthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so" m8 i/ D) A" G7 H) L& K$ O
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a* \# E0 u; O3 d) D
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda5 w5 v O; ~+ g8 g! c
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.* X' I" Z: d" @2 l
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:* n1 N( m! I4 j8 X
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
8 G5 M2 k5 n: {6 g; iher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
3 w7 S s1 v. M( ~6 Zbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
* ^! t. a3 Y/ p2 [" _- Btook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
[, u7 B0 [6 {/ D5 bhid in the men's room.* R$ B. i+ d" i1 `4 L
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing% G+ o8 A$ N j% B2 \% F
machine -- which I sank.6 j2 {7 c" _ a1 s: x$ E6 b0 N
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FRIDAY:
5 n% E! T" K( S' \ K4 M; d% f% _I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
: ?7 ~6 [! {4 b4 D# b$ y- p% R; Bany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
+ F4 b5 m) q9 ]8 i3 l. v8 danemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
" h- X( n1 G1 D1 Ocould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
3 E8 Z8 K( u3 N% o' v2 N3 P' H' @wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!/ h g0 `4 }, s* C! s7 b @" s: J
; c9 X1 V8 d7 J( D1 ^And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me* O: c. ^; v+ i5 E/ X p/ @
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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, f9 ~5 H3 R, q' T9 e2 UThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
* N! ]* {6 `2 q& Z. Hteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach$ q& K( }) W) J, Q- {
or the choir director?: A' R! b/ i' {8 [7 R
. k2 x3 ]2 L: z3 h, [- E d) U& h( qSATURDAY:) [# E! U; K! t O
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,2 R% E) {& i3 g2 Y3 x$ n! j
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
+ M9 W( R# j5 smade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the3 h: J, _0 k8 l; x! f/ }5 V
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight8 u: A6 z5 P9 y9 _2 k# E4 b2 H! e
hours of the Weather Channel.* y, H: r, d/ t" o3 l7 @. S6 P9 I2 J
$ f d- l$ V4 ` r sSUNDAY:
! G% H% D6 B) [5 H7 iI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go6 g9 c, G# H, ?' t8 T3 p
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
+ Q" Z8 [' m" x8 A) I5 y3 J; I& m2 I- p. ^1 cmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
7 f7 x5 z& o* ~+ S3 {/ La root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
