WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
7 p5 F2 x: b9 d5 B8 |5 r( H3 fwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
# @# n; l9 S! ~9 ]2 c( Xweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
" I. s" d- S* k$ _5 B9 U; ]/ `am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
$ f! J( O8 p, y) ytry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
% i/ g! b6 M( z+ s& I( Oinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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. W+ j' J6 W0 t) NMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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% `  V7 o# l. a* @$ I5 I; ^MONDAY:

6 `5 e/ h4 [6 r' VStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
0 e0 U1 X: }5 |0 [+ Kme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
  O" {2 P1 Z9 e7 c+ S5 K' v7 e% Zthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
% W( D  P5 I3 o' _in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
2 ?8 E& w# f9 z1 c  P9 T' W: _was around.
5 O  [. I5 I' {3 B5 ~& M
) @* M' ~7 J, n5 H* vThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

; Z, c/ `) P1 [& E: kTUESDAY:
) Q  g! T5 w# y  E5 YI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
1 X1 K7 f" f( H! D% QBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
. F' t9 L  U. F4 |4 p, j- ktreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
. U! R: Q4 \- u* W# i/ c4 oall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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4 P+ W: L$ b+ f! F, c0 UWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
+ L% T$ F# u: w1 {: H9 nthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
( ?2 z. m  z4 P6 b# n8 ca hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
6 f* L% X' r% N2 \" Y* E% cbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
9 y  G8 W2 t: Kthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; z& {+ `& ?+ w2 T( }Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
9 h; \9 m9 V9 S# ktold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
: W9 m- x3 G; p" c  H' K5 e3 OBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
; F/ s! K$ `) X5 Wtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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9 j1 X7 l: a9 [She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
. Z4 o9 N& L% P3 H1 W6 vI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
7 b& @; G3 q. H1 Z( Qany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
9 ]0 c6 i  X1 p9 c3 eanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
- z/ X7 l' [  `' Y- zcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
9 ?! R# E; l( w( |) a+ z( gwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
3 X7 O/ a. I2 {the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
6 o% g+ u: ?6 h9 KBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
# P' n' h* Y# n" p/ x0 S9 V! G% K; wmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
5 r) R  F. |6 Y  p3 z3 xhours of the Weather Channel.
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( c6 T3 z! ]3 Y2 r% lSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
4 y! Y+ K2 N9 @3 V% v2 B% Q8 tand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
* n. ]- ?9 d! S$ bmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
- ]* x1 n9 w, _& Pa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.