WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
8 R& B1 z" X1 O  Z3 L; Uwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
& f' Z: K  S0 `- T2 {8 V! f0 ninto a regular workout routine.
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: C8 O3 i* G& }( W4 c- E& eDear Diary:
$ G# }* z& z9 }5 X! K+ n. j( ?
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
  W  t8 H9 B7 o2 Byears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
" j1 i- j$ E. a. A7 i1 G! V5 Stry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
5 h# M2 y% W# d2 Wnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
8 `1 q; Y" \: _$ Einstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

, d+ o- x8 O- uMONDAY:

( I( f7 J9 J9 s! n9 E3 h1 KStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
8 g/ L7 F( _2 Pme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

4 f# \- l6 R4 j0 f, rShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
7 E7 b- o% ]. D+ Lin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
! u$ a* q4 c, Owas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
) c# X; K% h! x% z/ _- Q; ]; Call worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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6 {2 V7 s* z* [( k6 k9 L, [WEDNESDAY:
' \9 s! {! f1 s9 u0 Q3 g& @( `The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
- x8 V& @2 c% {6 ^that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
6 B$ e4 L' G/ b2 |+ Emachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
) p" \8 I0 G: P; @2 ?0 M7 b5 ktold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.

  |9 z/ F% |& r3 @% jTHURSDAY:
- H: g% M" ^1 wBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
  G* E, t( B% Hbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
8 s: g- X8 f- ctook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
( R& e' l: v1 ~" W" }6 Rhid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
+ ^3 ~+ [1 v. }' E1 q4 XI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
) C" k, P4 x# g( g, i# n  ]% k7 uanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
8 S0 _( ^/ ?1 `) I3 A# ywanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
& C+ S. G7 Y3 J9 F* m) }the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

( n; E, i. x5 o2 x' ~  Y3 ~* MSATURDAY:
+ w7 h; o( g9 f: J4 OBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
3 D6 t1 _. j, _6 a1 y; whours of the Weather Channel.
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1 a2 T5 F& R, M* M( [SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.