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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
- F. E t! j' swrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get% I. g. Q! o2 v" E
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:) S- ^* q+ l K- z# F$ ~" ]/ p6 E8 X# ~
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
& |% y- |* A6 R! e# Dweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I; |; M. S- ^* ^) Z3 U8 T' S
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25% M. y8 P1 k5 s% e5 `
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a: H/ \9 A7 z; O! f$ w' m
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer# n( W6 ~# a+ n4 P
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
6 x) K* Z8 o# m8 k- }. p: A' Ninstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
0 W' w# }$ S U0 [$ Yencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.: ?3 j# I" r* Z& D5 m
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MONDAY:
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3 E, }2 Q6 b, ^/ K+ D, h: VStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well9 g( G- M! a( C1 Z6 J: g
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for) N5 }1 t6 L, U
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
6 G- o0 B8 d# o% qeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
3 L) X- N V* ~& T1 a( ^that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
3 t- W: E6 j2 D9 z% q+ B* ~in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
, V+ T& N9 D# O6 |7 [3 uwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.2 z6 C& ?2 `. i) `. u1 r
* c% m2 X! O0 y$ R* }# [, B. \Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
& ?( g% o u8 h+ i. \although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
$ q/ v' e. r* [) z: Hwas around.
1 J1 g. B. z8 g' P
& s9 w c4 Q& @- @# jThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!5 \2 A3 a, i. g! O! }/ v& e
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TUESDAY:
7 x$ B1 C6 r1 m) \4 WI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.' J# o9 O; f, O3 d8 K+ L
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
6 y; ^( t9 @* r% R E1 \and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the* m/ Q' E& P' A) W7 I8 q2 W
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it5 e1 ~: s& Y2 W8 e3 d* w8 @7 \
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:( d" i/ C9 {# J, j: }
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on& Q1 m' e7 c1 v8 B( `8 A( M
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
* y1 P2 B2 s& [a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to2 U K" t9 [4 j; {% N
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
" @; D; M9 P. \9 V2 Pbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for ^ X8 P5 R# v
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine, w; D) B' ^0 K+ \3 |5 ]
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so) h: p; H1 B/ r9 p% b s
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a, e' K$ B5 f0 S& p6 p( f
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
8 |3 M4 l& N/ K: s; Ptold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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( O) o& [' Z* [) L% G% q1 Y: k8 lShe said some other shit too.2 V: k: e" V' b4 [+ K. Y
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THURSDAY:8 T, J" z6 _+ R) F6 T
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as1 w* r ?) x0 S3 o+ x* T
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help* f$ E3 ^8 r- i& T( G1 N j' Q
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
3 ?4 c6 O4 ~7 s+ D- z7 [took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and- P/ F4 B/ B. R0 G4 B# V8 a$ R. ~+ i
hid in the men's room.
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& R! K8 [3 R4 gShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing5 k8 g" j( l7 v
machine -- which I sank.
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2 a: M* |) a1 i- _FRIDAY:
5 P* Y+ t' W/ I' y' F- R& t; WI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
1 g6 h- y) V5 ~) p, `2 Qany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
* a0 o: Q x* g& t4 L0 ^# S- z: G: aanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I0 t6 F3 q1 [1 k) q9 K7 q6 a
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda7 d* \4 H2 H2 z" E/ s1 O7 t/ V0 v: J* k# s
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!# U' k! L, ?, d U: @' h
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me& g! Z: y' E w( S. b
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.2 L9 C: o% O; @2 B* X2 ~$ U9 i
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition1 I2 J6 M; s- u2 q/ f/ z8 B
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
. B7 s8 g' |9 `* K. i# |or the choir director?% }- Z6 t; Z6 Z: I/ B3 L
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SATURDAY:
9 v4 M% g& R& z; i6 fBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
* ?( a% o4 E- n! ?& C' eshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her% z! [+ ]$ r- m1 I% B, U
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the" R! o/ |* f) P; Q1 s
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight, ~( s" e5 D/ w1 d! B2 M9 E
hours of the Weather Channel.) A: ]4 `+ k6 a; w" W. K8 D
& @& H$ r( q; l j2 }SUNDAY:
. @, e5 G& E, h) Q; f8 c8 S7 tI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
9 b C' ~% w/ u# h+ o! _, cand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
, c# F4 L1 N$ A! f1 H+ wmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
3 D/ G5 H' f: L+ Z# S/ Ta root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
