WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
' X5 w- I. U; H* ?" _
; Z0 X/ n* i* O: p/ S/ t$ N7 {* jDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
/ y, R/ ~) L4 R' o, d3 ^week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
! w- V8 p: ]- |6 D. atry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
) b( Q& z- r- `+ M  e2 nnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
, f% s. S. R7 [! p0 A
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
# T$ c" E1 I5 h5 s$ V8 b$ aencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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* e9 V  B5 T$ M7 {MONDAY:
* P, U( U8 j5 S2 j5 |
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
' G  M, [( S" p( q/ B9 `- ^) A* C  uworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
0 U4 o6 v9 I$ ^8 F/ qeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
3 \/ J6 S. d% H- C& }/ l$ o$ F" i
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
& h9 o5 Z+ U4 H8 Dthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
- X4 L8 m6 B( I& e8 awhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
- \% J7 t5 f4 R0 Q" P6 T
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
# L+ U3 y! E9 N; b3 ^9 Zalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

' y* d9 C! p# j6 qThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
! A; B# z' k8 W; H# a) j1 `
- _, w3 I/ u5 X* ?9 t. ~  sTUESDAY:
/ g& t7 V) k; R  `2 F% EI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
" [. X' P8 T/ v1 w9 jBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
2 u$ r! Q1 h1 Y, N1 sand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

! {& I# d, z- S" bI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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# x7 X" v6 k! v+ t6 [9 N' GWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
- O, B5 v1 }% g; O+ T  ]9 U; Na hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
2 P% `! V. }/ ?- i* B9 q' \bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
4 \! E9 C# o7 p6 B* k* m9 Tearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
$ j- p$ D' L) v; Z8 h/ ]that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
# ~) C3 B: C2 |1 _Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
  M0 I& o. ]9 M- O, {; Cmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

- u/ a, d9 `1 v$ i. I4 g) X2 QTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
) n; g) M/ j' }" \9 S( Ybeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
- S$ \9 E( h# chid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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2 z$ Q( s- c* w- q) ]FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
% \8 b" a0 X8 B2 ^* V; Nany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
4 ]( O& |& d" A  F; U; o: banemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
; M/ c7 R9 c, G  N5 C* Hcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
. X& \' ]' y' j; Z% C1 r* N5 c1 {
) K! R) g* Y- x8 XThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
  ^5 i) _) G, D' U% Y, `teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
& I$ w: s3 x0 W: J+ n( lor the choir director?

1 S9 u4 B: [0 F& LSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
. I9 B/ V) g* M7 U6 M; O6 c/ `' kshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
; I) e  s3 P; N- l) [0 xmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
' I+ C+ r; X5 \" U% }! ghours of the Weather Channel.
3 \! c( f1 [0 X8 S% B3 v
$ Z: D' ~: G, e) W, |SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
9 c/ R4 g: [& D5 H# Wand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
5 z1 I. }, }: z: u; pa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.