WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
4 K: G( V, o5 b9 C7 ewrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
0 \6 x9 Q( N- s7 Y
2 D+ @) t& {% A$ ]Dear Diary:
! v5 Q- _: k$ T3 v+ ~6 L
5 j1 S! s# Y7 \5 L! zFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
3 i' _  ^1 ?5 @8 i. E: kam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

; v+ M4 v7 ~) A2 rStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
: V' a3 _( R" C% p2 n: Xme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
4 {5 b9 Y; k2 \" x+ teyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
2 i' `  t- ?( \; [; D) c
1 [3 H; P  M6 z8 y4 p+ lShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
- c' u. z2 s+ l. a: Mwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

" \* o( C& u. Z1 @4 n  hThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
1 w1 M/ o5 M/ F
, ^; u7 [6 X8 X9 M) pTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
, ~2 z9 o: O7 c! P7 ~/ xand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
7 q! D) g2 |8 F9 Btreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
: x9 d/ u! d5 K$ O1 R* `9 Wall worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

8 P+ t3 W/ y" A7 n  y! d- ?% p/ AWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
  f  J1 t% }7 z1 X/ ^bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
# `. |: d  X( y& S( t( eearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
- `) f$ U* F" a% uthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
% e, x0 Q5 m3 P3 fBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
; b- V$ d1 q, K/ wmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
) c1 p; w. Y: ~( Ltold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
3 Z3 A/ T  W( x& E+ A
She said some other shit too.
8 j  j2 y" W; C) {4 E
& q# B! ^4 @, e! l- `THURSDAY:
0 W% X+ N. M# f' @* C( @/ h0 B7 I% PBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
1 s" F. j4 H# g: Z2 ^# ther thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
2 P+ K  F0 M9 G  m+ kbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
' ?3 [' ]2 F2 v/ ?% Vtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
. S6 w* H9 [: x. Pmachine -- which I sank.
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7 r6 f8 K8 d" l* _2 g# P6 ZFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
( j* S/ s/ U+ E2 J% m4 Canemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
: h( x, M2 Q7 v& a8 e8 acould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
# D. a2 r$ f' bwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

7 ]5 A6 d; z/ J6 E- r% K6 p# JAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
* j8 o% E3 [. h4 x8 c$ Xthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

( S8 {$ Z2 i. [9 \, t2 FThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
# q4 A' T* N8 i( w0 S  h8 Eor the choir director?

/ n) J' {. R3 t) T' ~& K- DSATURDAY:
/ y  o0 P/ o7 L; O/ A" t, u# x( PBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
7 s% r9 D/ \  L! y7 V* zhours of the Weather Channel.

! P. p+ A; r  Z( r) d* ]SUNDAY:
" q3 M' _" R1 RI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
6 v- L+ ?' Z0 b- q9 }; `my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.