WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
5 c9 x3 v: O  O+ B) q4 W4 \
4 |3 n1 a) h8 h" c# `Dear Diary:
3 j" O" B( \2 {2 d
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
' d7 v, O! p1 v" c: b# V( fweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
0 s' J7 o) L7 G! Jnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
2 H0 p+ a3 p5 ^' _instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
& w& J2 r1 f( V$ ?9 }7 ]: x
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
) y" D- }) U. h' Q6 S# `% f; c8 F$ Bencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

1 x/ |- ]3 c5 i  ?$ g7 W" @9 N: `MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
' I* k" y# c$ N3 V4 qworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 V; _( k/ x+ h9 K- G. M- U, bwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
8 Q( H% k8 V$ B' x9 E) v; O
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

7 A5 p3 Z- X! f4 d+ bThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
* j0 h7 Y& ~8 O! F+ lI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
) g0 g# q: I) a6 u2 }treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
9 n6 `+ l: p/ w# xall worthwhile.

2 A: f3 x. l  X- f/ aI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
0 z. o! O" W, r2 g5 A* m  pearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
8 U6 k4 [  @8 Bmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
8 w( x" C8 }$ C4 Q& _$ DBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
1 V8 [3 C% C8 b& z+ D6 I7 T$ Sany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
' @" e) L3 x# C4 p$ {- hcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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+ {- A! a/ o3 N* O6 R2 \; Q/ GAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
. w% A# x+ O6 U4 v" J& V7 Z1 ^teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
! K& z/ p9 I- A$ {3 XBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
8 K" f4 S. T  L& y/ A1 ]! |. Sshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
: ?, ]1 }! t5 j9 {strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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5 g. C  g8 |7 b/ uSUNDAY:
5 O4 x+ n' e5 K# m8 K1 e4 yI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
8 I' F% w8 `1 I* ^) d1 e) G( ya root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.