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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,/ j1 n' P4 C- O8 u. {; y
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  / r- b( h6 G" @' Q1 n4 m9 H
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . ( S, l4 @, b2 H6 E
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.) ~% Q" d5 ^1 u$ T
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.% x! i/ _: l5 N
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
6 d- G/ y: a+ r夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.+ K7 W& h* O% A; E# N- `( r' E& V
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.# ?$ I4 C0 x8 I/ L3 `' [
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
/ F3 o; ^  e" F1 W+ O6 w我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
1 S; V3 q  f$ _" H. S: s4 \那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
4 p$ L: Z- L$ a5 O' Z世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.* ?  h% h% B: Y1 u
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.$ _* T0 D& c: @; U9 \. l, u
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
9 W$ ]' ?& D8 t2 b2 ~( w最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. + |1 q  x! c; l/ B' [5 a
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
0 G# ~# C( s0 S4 k5 J) l3 S醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.# Z4 X+ U8 E4 Z
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
( S% }) |3 C% t* z6 L6 r最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
, B. P" a- r% \* A% N5 U% M多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?' A- i& Q0 B4 C0 L' `( A. }/ c
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….+ o. r$ ~' r+ T/ s" ^' v
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
, z5 d/ `' J( y1 n( z不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.# q. @6 z7 K. N; J
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
7 W# s* f) ~' g( S为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?& N5 P" O$ e- c. f+ H: A
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!  Z: {0 K  u6 P/ Z  J
永难平息的泪
# {# u2 @% i. a& ^6 c' M+ M. {每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes1 h& R- o% R* h$ Z  ?1 a" P
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
/ h2 F) \# d  e% _0 G7 X3 a1 R9 m当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.2 H% m5 F' A4 ~0 }
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,1 G3 R% _; ~$ W( L. }5 Z6 v3 N& P
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 0 C$ m( y& X  W3 B  ?+ A6 @; m* k: }
一抹微笑;* q6 J) g, G- ]( ~2 V- Q
一个手势;
; `: V# V- y# ]2 n, M& A$ D一片话语,. A$ Y3 M# [2 p  n1 }; W
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、: H4 n8 @2 C, o/ ]* b. ?
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
2 n; T8 h- w* U. x6 X心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.6 m& S' G6 @/ h0 {- m& [
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling) J$ ?" b. j/ T" C3 _' y
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..& V7 D5 d( X  x& C% L4 V; s
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,, m3 X% t! N7 i4 O& j1 \( J6 H
我并不以为然。. T' \% P$ {0 q1 I2 k8 Y% J
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 9 B$ f8 m! C" F
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
8 l+ H' _* I# v7 E2 N6 ?; P' p; n: o被一种情绪所左右,
1 |9 `  ~4 k# E9 n) `总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
  u) e( i' p" `: I' N' Z2 c即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
/ w, Z9 a4 o4 {# E( v  I4 D也不问我是否喜欢你,. D& f3 |6 G. }& X/ V) V
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
* V5 s& W+ `9 R; m只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you/ Y) v& C% Y, K
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
5 P. I; _& r" ]) Q: b心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil1 T3 P, H$ s7 A" ?4 _
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere $ r8 J, X9 L: v& J
你的身影已化成一种氛围,: C/ X+ Y0 t7 x4 N, ?( F+ l# C
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.0 B, E- F& N+ f; \
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 0 r$ K9 Y+ O1 _/ S
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字" u5 w6 i( q: [- \) L) M6 H1 S5 O
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
) H) E8 ~  }- R! D  ~一种声音,and your voice5 b- B: h( u) ]+ B9 i
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.4 Y) t$ v' z! ~: a7 V; n! U
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
. i4 P9 [8 n9 k* v. a: v' }与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land% X6 r0 r$ X; }6 ~6 f  b
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,* u3 p  C6 R* e/ c' F$ ~
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.2 _$ F' K: \7 F" o" k
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。3 y6 O0 E: Y+ @; ]3 I+ k
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss6 l# B) ]$ M& L: q! ]; L
有一个能够让思念的人,
/ C( I5 g) s1 U! W' p其实也是一种幸福。5 k" z! C" o& _
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
! {) T5 @+ I' t" \$ ?柔柔的海风,
, E" n0 W# }3 [甜甜的夏天。
( C6 `* m/ H+ X% j( U一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
8 Q0 S' ~& }& M+ G! m: E" W只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.1 _! V8 v8 \+ }) g, ~9 M9 _* c
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.# _( A: B2 S. p. {" ?( G
想和你有共同的情结,, D' r7 y1 x. p7 l% X6 u0 O
共同的心愿。
1 D  W* h- L- d; z2 K6 ~
! x; r( ^$ f/ `( a) G& \0 B; T2 ^; g$ l# b$ A/ C3 D9 I
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
2 ^! t- B$ r( f" O+ N4 {! a一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
3 g; j6 c2 R& c. m1 _或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
0 ?0 u# P( b" C. ~8 }! j: K或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly., F4 S1 O1 c7 A1 N' h7 J
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?" ]; E4 @3 G3 }6 T; D5 J
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
* i# k) ]. Z! d) I# u8 N, o浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
0 R5 M' ~9 S1 L$ h& G或是轻轻的一吻,* {+ f+ S  B  S2 [0 P" F9 K
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』4 p9 I1 \( w2 ^2 d5 X
就足够了. That is enough.
9 Y! e5 [! a( ?4 {8 `# ?/ C这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! $ ?* e( W9 j( i1 r9 U
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.+ H) W% n- U$ f0 v
萌出了芽,* e7 c& }' F% P, p
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
0 u* K7 g$ p7 V! ]4 D6 V) J浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
1 Q7 w* O8 G- b, O如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand; ?( ~8 u  _( P' z- ?8 d
能够牵著你的手,
' A1 C7 o8 k$ L% x那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
; t. {. G+ V9 s# `让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
% V' y- R* d! k3 A" E- L; U$ I慢慢地细读,( y  M& E# r# W" X" C( s
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 8 @/ U4 w( B: w# m! k
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
4 h/ U3 O, z. ~: `. F我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
4 u& @8 d" w7 \; n就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:& z' [+ q% w5 X
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
( j+ p$ h* ^1 O5 R  C; u4 I/ y眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.  b; Y. P+ t& Q; v* t; n3 W7 r
change to:lacked
+ t) f6 Z0 K' b7 _4 E3 l猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
2 t( x, o" C2 n% a/ d& iCats often played at the whole hot night.
7 |# D* L: X9 ~! W# W 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
- w/ P6 N- ~: U: f; [+ z) P2 L改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
, z: @& ~5 N0 _8 EI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
6 `0 n2 R6 t6 `* {, `- ~( T, a该为:throughyour hands.
% \. N  K0 s) k4 B9 i还没检查完,下一次再改.
大型搬家
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
太直。意境没有了。  Y! Y; j" V2 f9 t+ ]
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。: S$ X5 q" {( D4 l
至少比我强。
% G& @( ?+ w) Y+ j: R$ _( [, K偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... ' F1 A% s% k$ |7 U& N6 C$ K' |
7 y- _9 X& g6 U% f/ m' q* ~$ [
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。, v9 d# G/ u: I! B; ^9 N
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
. H1 R& H+ t0 m& v% f谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
) t2 }8 d; [& K! {. i前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
' ]) T% S2 P5 }. g* {Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
" v! U. K( m( d0 l; N" hPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.- G# `' z. |; y1 X5 K5 P: Q! t
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
1 ?" |5 N# I+ h8 k( v: hThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.( J. J5 E+ r6 j0 B, u7 H) O) n
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
3 u! ?' h6 e4 p! q; zSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:0 B/ L$ J  D& K  _, o* I$ F
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool - h  Y/ U5 b" A# _: t
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
1 r% U9 C. ]5 s- Y3 qI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.# p* O2 @5 ?% [9 U9 J7 X3 r8 M
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
: u% d6 k- ^- k; a; p, ]That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
7 ]* o+ T* f. @I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.- a+ d5 x: D" l2 S% P
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
+ m  E4 {# M, N$ \$ }- ]) iIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
8 V, B7 n7 D; \; r9 TIntoxicated then feel cold,# U7 v; P) z+ W" T
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.9 z/ O+ Q- \, ]# m2 ^' a( J- B
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
* R/ A& b7 a! d$ _" x9 j% C. rThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
7 X) }- }: D+ xWhy I am always hoodwinked!) y3 Y% ~( |1 z4 \. y
I have told myself many times cautiously ' x4 v( Q" I5 M; S" D5 F8 ]
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
- v$ f8 {: z9 H% [- Y. iThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.8 x5 y, ]" N5 C/ a- b
Why can`t I take it easy?3 `: I( D! z+ B8 `1 H* R5 ], J0 V) P
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!$ ~/ ~! E' @/ ~" s1 N0 ~) o
When the quiet night comes
/ b. x1 R7 ]$ T3 t; q$ q, v2 cyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.: }: X9 F! C: z. B- z/ e& O
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.! C. J" Z/ ^7 u( t) |5 D0 s
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,1 u% P2 s: M9 T/ t
light the dark corner in my mind.1 h0 T# j% \4 v& o0 o5 G; a
I feel a bit of cozy.# s6 S1 `" J. \0 {6 o( b
The deep attached to you in a twinkling" g! L8 o; N5 g% P7 E
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
) L/ s2 J% D+ v$ o2 F7 HI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,& N. l5 c8 x$ W4 R+ b6 ^* u. t
but accompanying with the time passed
# m, A! s# g1 F' q! c' S; O. wI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,9 J/ O( o5 r" a' F, b9 v
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
8 h1 V' }+ s/ j' t& N1 f6 Y3 s/ kWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
8 b7 y7 _; [7 ^only feel gracious for your existing,) i! `$ r3 X2 p) ]! A' l
onlt want to do something for you.; {' A! d$ @: n% V
Every time when you meet me
9 w1 W) n: U" k: Q5 qthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,* l7 a8 `( s* {1 @6 b
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere8 W  [: @/ n. @1 u6 S5 k
That live in my heart.) S, v, C! c, T4 ^6 b; B6 g6 r# Y
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
7 `8 m2 W7 G, G/ R+ qEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice* r$ k; d2 s3 J8 L' z# \) {. u
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.3 S, c* R1 W3 P, b3 `2 {
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land3 l- ?3 b0 k, d1 y" p- K" D5 n  m
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you., q6 I) B* s+ H3 M* Q0 P
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
0 C8 E/ V9 P9 q# Respecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.0 u& ?& c/ q- `* f+ d) R2 @% }
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
5 @  ~' |# s  i# e' C2 u+ d3 Conly waiting for you quietly
# B9 q0 ]+ C9 I9 Xjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
% V! h* |' e8 G) OI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
1 |) v9 O4 S) v% mand enjoy the rain washing together
' L. J* w! Z" o* W4 e% h3 \/ Mor rush to a film
2 _  m, |$ \4 _6 z% Vor listen to a music quietly.
6 I1 @2 Z6 K# S" U" q& o5 M' p: g9 h/ aWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
5 n" S% a. c* Z$ v5 _If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,6 P1 j  J3 a3 j& r& }
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
, }& z( R0 w( G/ G$ m+ sThat is enough.9 i5 j+ ~' P# Y- Z: b4 c
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
: p, k+ N/ ~( X$ ffinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,; {8 {" C6 U' o
the same as my missing.
! d2 L8 b$ x. @! C4 k; dIt comes a little bit of verdure.
" }& q) Z; W/ P; o8 R# XIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
& N1 A' l* f0 u- L0 K7 m2 ~! g. I* qthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.& j  T. P6 c$ P  d% F8 ~) ?
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.3 ~/ _; N5 E0 e! F+ ?0 P4 `, n/ K
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.0 c: {' G' t7 `4 ?- W# y  Z; a) m
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,, z% c  E: ]  o8 ^' p2 w( X
then I will have all care and ardor.  v. y7 [; U6 {9 w) w% K% j- O9 l
Shall we walk arm in arm?
; S3 z  u  R( }5 o呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.* U9 L" ~7 f, }$ d( e/ l. W
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.: [8 E* B  {; w7 I  i
I am still the same person of yesterday.+ T- c, N" N' A, O6 Q: M
Unchanged name, unchanged I.. O% ~6 X" `. D! G" @) d
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
# R  a0 g5 ~2 Q+ L5 _- }Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.9 Z2 J8 {. B/ H9 w- b  f9 X
More or less,
- D& T8 ]9 X, A" S% \5 m8 L a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.: K+ j2 M2 [. v6 U
* Q4 c- F3 G# o( V' U9 k
Summer easily slips away8 ]3 S; l6 l3 R5 t# F7 {: A9 _
Those long lost hot nights
+ Q9 Q/ d* |  A# ^5 L2 p1 X can only be found in the old days. . M0 e8 D- @. P# S& _

& d# U- h  T+ L5 Y7 G8 h% S! MCats jumping over the window sills,
" B4 i- L( O2 d4 M0 @/ U# Pchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
: Z$ }; j3 `( ~3 h9 EGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.) D& ^/ ~) v) }  }3 f
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.: P2 [; S! p7 Y% A8 F. K* w
I am still the same person of yesterday.
7 D% M: s* A; G( ]8 C) }8 G: k* kUnchanged name, unchange ...
0 b. j8 Q( ^7 K* S
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
( Q8 b3 x5 s8 t3 w  aGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.% ~; o6 b# H& ]) g0 N/ P, {) |
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
2 V0 R( z) f) T8 q' w; p8 T5 ~) tI am still the same person of yesterday." \& ?* s* K: p9 M! V0 o
Unchanged name, unchange ...

3 _- A  Y( J. i  N, L1 yi like it.
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