我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
1 e8 K( W6 n' r! _9 L1 hAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

4 M' J0 m+ v5 }+ f& fYour lip is so big
+ m6 B3 l$ t: L1 b% k9 GAnd that’s good for a kiss
1 Y# p: C7 a$ N2 S; \Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
' O; ]1 K3 l/ y; O
; E- X6 u; ?& X2 ]$ J3 x# s1 kI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
" [% }% U, d6 [% s6 J1 [) wYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
0 T1 R) z. c" a; q0 B0 K" ~! OSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
9 H8 g4 f2 f. s+ `  S* ~# zEating with sound is a pig
% `3 W# ^8 Y. _0 E# x  a
I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
/ m; `) Z8 I/ i# n" X" p8 P2 \And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
/ \; b2 S5 V, Q' \Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
. Z* s7 _' |$ u4 @
You are loving me
) r. s  E/ g$ B: k$ S, bor that one in your mind?
: E. @+ C" V3 X1 i! w- q+ r( S+ KMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
# Y4 V6 ?& f8 p
unfortunalety not my heart
! O, `. A8 j. S3 lIt is slashed by you
; \7 A4 [3 R; n' k+ }* r, x$ t% Iand I am seriously hurt
- O) o1 y/ e1 D4 Q6 O. L" }5 A
3 I3 w, H7 R. q) N/ sI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

" P6 C& A$ x+ u. [4 L7 K咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
2 X, Z1 v7 D# u$ ^$ ~" z9 [不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
: l0 Q. I% y1 Q% C/ J; ii am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
: k2 Y$ `! U& x  w2 GIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
# Y6 F. \4 @% F8 D& j2 Ythere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
9 n' q7 @  L/ h$ b- X0 oYour body is so sexy
/ {- z0 r! O4 g0 L) tAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
! r. H4 k. F6 e" I
' u0 l" n! `8 g, vI am deeply in love
' @. u0 ~7 i5 j0 g9 D6 b3 TEverything from you is so charming
9 F! E- m5 N& B6 Zalthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
# Y; }  t, `1 @) yHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
% L/ F- l+ v& H, V- cShe said instantly she knew
$ C  S+ h5 ?8 E8 z: t7 R' hShe was a question to be answered
& l, s7 T  [1 K: S) @) RAnd his answer is
7 z7 k( v3 h: t* z* vI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
8 K0 M3 X+ }" v1 \. B* Q3 q# |- [
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
+ M/ J- }0 u5 C! DI looked at you and thought
  Y9 s% ^9 S+ R) m; e9 U' f* DHoly Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
. R( C" a9 W3 R* Q: a3 Q" F$ Z) K6 dHow could it be dispersed?
& ^% u" i8 l# g. R
6 b. ]3 X) A# UFeelings bite my heart
& {, b' a, e3 T7 q0 [You are the right one I wait
2 e! u2 h: u2 Y, PIn the depth of my soul
' J: l0 Q- j& ?* K' \. gI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ n7 r' t" W. D6 {" O就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
2 c8 a2 y' i5 j1 ^2 k你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 K1 V) o$ P  F6 }5 y8 S3 s( sXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
" @. x) p# F, q$ T! u1 v闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# U5 f' Y. T+ L9 ^" @9 ~就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
" F0 `9 n. u+ F我爱上你的大嘴唇
% R8 c- o2 i3 Z5 y) U7 M3 kXXXXX
2 w2 x/ z) T/ y! r  K& J+ Y不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

3 J9 W* e& l4 E
+ p" h( K. U' ]; x; r, M靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。