我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
: e6 X, Z0 o6 n# x6 H$ b; F
I fell in love with you
7 N! Q* ~$ {5 m# W) ~, D; nAt the first week we met

$ Q2 g  m+ c: l2 yYou have charm, you have looks
& C" T8 f6 R9 Gwith full of pimples in face
( }. \6 l+ a, S* BAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
7 K5 L  }% ]+ `/ w4 T9 u( h. z2 }And that’s good for a kiss
) {$ P) r1 J4 W, }Your body is chubby
9 C6 i3 B  a9 N8 {/ V6 oAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
$ {% L$ B, `/ B1 F/ n/ K, D7 E( FYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

7 ^8 P# Z. U$ ~: }" p7 ?; gI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
; f! ~  ^4 l: kAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
0 B; X* ^1 p  h# f/ {$ c5 {) T
you are deeply in love
* `7 v" ~; J% v2 F' L  K* V- KEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
) F, S( J- j# L7 X. ?and I am helping you to improve'
1 H, b+ c# e4 O; Y5 T$ u. s' x8 W
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
( v' [* ?; A/ |9 [
unfortunalety not my heart
; i$ N7 D, `5 j2 A7 N$ Q! A  cIt is slashed by you
/ j5 x6 L/ C1 t8 a( H$ kand I am seriously hurt
* [1 _8 Z" `" i( G/ N2 S& a0 h' O7 K- i
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
/ e) P+ s( p2 ?0 C0 cmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

, Q- q4 P+ _0 R' b
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
5 t. q. t+ o/ H4 @. W7 ]: L不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
' w. W3 Q* C- }+ VAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
$ ^! e. y! |4 l. I4 g: ^" f% J# _# E
with the charm,
$ V8 ]* I6 D8 p/ w& A& vwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
4 q! }1 v2 ]) K* ]# E: RIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

+ O9 ^" m" S) ~* c7 M/ ?; b- Z1 wYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
/ L8 Z, y% J# s& L; b! S; M2 E- mYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

+ j* |  M0 f3 X8 \  G# h6 _I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
2 |! `2 U& a) T3 U  tAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
4 k7 |) S; U- M% ]8 d0 wBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
" O* n" f2 ~7 d. X( Q3 _

+ n+ p4 K! ~4 V1 U& YHis hello is the end of her endings
( q0 {6 r/ a4 F+ `/ d8 FHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
6 Q2 K3 `6 e$ rHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
; B+ R. X+ q; Y$ o# T& D. sI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

3 U" O/ b  z' \# K; c8 ~, ]: cBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
) X/ i" a+ C: w3 ~( e
It's amazing how I felt
! W  j  v7 d) E8 g+ awhen I was with you
1 {# Y8 ]4 n7 XMy heart beat so fast
2 z- U$ `& C% QI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
3 a$ t$ |( I3 U2 M# p7 m$ [- d( _7 H
You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
3 r  D/ [5 R$ T3 F! k- `$ GMy mood is like a cloud
  x9 v8 [) n1 J' `8 s8 hHow could it be dispersed?
; `& j+ c" b# v! A7 d
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
2 g$ n$ _9 ?0 a: j1 f$ }$ yIn the depth of my soul
/ `7 d! f2 [! V& _' xI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
4 a0 T9 L' b+ `# Y( Z  d就和用中文写一次
2 R4 t7 H# `4 x% c阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
4 b4 P- T6 m7 n你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
% t" Z) _4 ^" X( ?你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
3 _" c( A: V- b就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
4 }& h9 ^0 R& W- f% G- o  D我爱上你的大嘴唇
( c; v0 m8 E( ]7 e3 z8 MXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

7 G5 h' V% b" a+ |" }5 V
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
. t2 r) g1 u2 R& R3 |  V+ u/ y

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。