Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

: y; z" G- ?. h0 y6 W" W0 yThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

4 t% d' k5 J! n7 s" c3 L1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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" b& x/ u+ ?# F0 G6 ]- b5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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& L' j  I. y  |; F) C6 b# u6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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4 T4 {4 c9 U) Q; R& `9 Q7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

3 g2 ^- C1 E9 Q9 D( }, D6 n10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

$ ~  z$ Q2 G1 C/ o7 n11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

0 L. Z$ ~/ ~0 {4 K* N. h15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.