Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

+ Z- @  V9 D: H! L" w: K# ?* a; f5 ]1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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$ Q. w/ P6 t, D* ~+ d. y1 v0 q3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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9 g3 h7 l3 R9 ~4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

; F  C2 k5 ]) \5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7 ~2 a4 z6 d- G; ?& Q" l% i7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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- p& i7 W8 C7 ]/ z' R/ M  v7 R+ W9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

% R9 ^& Y: P8 E+ d. _6 K$ {10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

% A0 @. @6 s0 H0 ]- i13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

% K" l6 Z& r0 Z& u; Y14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

' {8 ?  j+ Q  v% g15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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3 O0 `0 ]- a1 H: s0 p16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.