Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

! \6 o; ^9 a, V5 z" \1 k+ B8 ]8 OThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

. t5 Q& v" I, _6 L2 h3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

2 f# E; {/ c0 f+ l5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

$ v+ ~2 k1 P8 ?2 ~5 t8 G) B0 ?( ]9 y6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

' Z5 d/ N( ?  p0 o7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

! y7 R8 s6 G& |% t11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

; v2 F4 N7 ^; h  ?. R12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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- v) V4 C8 ^' G# @- C13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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9 R  l) y& O2 I5 l  e/ ]6 ~" h& l14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

) l: D& C( {7 u15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.