WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
% J- T) `# F4 A( y* L# B# N- e- qinto a regular workout routine.
6 i' P. u+ M. j! f7 J+ ?! N5 O
* ^5 O* I, r  ODear Diary:
3 n9 z6 x3 ~8 ~. A0 o
+ t0 j. A. F8 [For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
2 }# D, `3 |% T4 z3 Uam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
& J6 v/ ^/ N  wyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

  @- h/ H1 v3 N3 }. z" Q( OMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

) Q! A/ T1 l: m. T7 HStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
% m7 k% w: D" {7 {. r* beyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
/ V! i5 {3 H. `8 s+ e
  q2 b* N3 `/ mShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
% r7 ?$ L7 |$ H* |- R- Vwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
  s! N0 M  v1 s' w/ q- owas around.
' {7 j8 R- \( o
9 d4 Q' {, w  q, d! o+ |This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
( j* |. F" w. C) ^
TUESDAY:
2 k) P2 }& b: ~' W/ j; T, NI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
+ }: M! u5 E' `; J0 Z1 ^5 \Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

# B; v' |$ V$ c7 ~4 QI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
, _/ ~; G/ x7 ~6 S& D  N9 S
! G# q; J& I. ~, }WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
1 C. b+ @' g, c( M, p; k7 J8 Kearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
. v) c7 h3 G  |' `machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
- x2 W0 B& |: E% e! w! gtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

: F2 c/ r* c) a5 @" bShe said some other shit too.
' w1 m) N+ y' B* q! u3 s
/ D7 B9 K- F: X4 v; \9 ITHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
: M' h- ^  A4 H. N# q, Zher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
/ l% V% Q) v* e( }being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
% T7 L/ n+ _: K/ ohid in the men's room.

. ~( ~" a+ L5 mShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
: |; e" @" e3 E5 h$ c, D9 E, _machine -- which I sank.
( j& \0 ~1 {0 H2 Y% N
FRIDAY:
: |* q& K/ ~% m7 G2 K7 S7 JI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
" w2 X& ]6 S- p# r' h+ V  ]any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
- X0 `% Q" e$ {  Vanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
* [3 `9 V) X+ ~2 q2 s; ?9 Bwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
9 y5 a, i5 x" ~& b7 r/ U1 ]: |, U
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

; l0 b0 Q. S' {6 f* l$ N4 P! h& LThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
( b4 s0 |! ~6 C6 L+ G  c: o- }teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

9 j) Q; _1 l1 x! v: y8 B( QSATURDAY:
, j" n7 y- K: J7 V. q4 T9 X2 gBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
! k+ t1 F- Q5 W8 l6 vshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
) `2 T% h: D+ y! u$ ?: {6 Nmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
! ]3 l1 R2 _- {* v6 v4 Lstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
5 r9 p2 C2 x  H* m8 A) t% Lhours of the Weather Channel.
5 c5 j% |) g  _) q" A' H
SUNDAY:
7 |& r  G9 z7 d9 ?0 q' VI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
5 B9 \$ K1 {( j9 f( b: Lmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.