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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something+ s- j2 i7 x7 k& f! u) \( {% O* E
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
1 y7 O$ u9 P9 X3 f7 U$ yinto a regular workout routine.' _" P+ w! r) j* Y C
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Dear Diary:
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6 r. ?9 c$ H/ Y5 Y8 ^+ UFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
, n1 b a; C3 A$ R9 h% r' ]. Bweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I( z/ N0 ^; r v) Q
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 251 p/ a/ A& u: k$ b/ l' ]0 W
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a( N( A, c% e4 P5 s+ Z! q0 M$ l" F
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
* z0 R% |% D. \$ }named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
: C! ?6 H* r( {) Y, w2 iinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear./ F3 m6 y# X( |+ i2 g u
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
5 m' z" }! f. l) h3 Vencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.$ l: ]+ s$ \7 [' R8 M& M* p
1 _, O2 L& `4 d% t$ g& ?MONDAY:& H2 ^, X' X w# @) r
& Y4 U9 c- m* @$ bStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
; D( Q- A) r/ d; E) `1 }/ M) Bworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
( p6 C! Y8 k4 o9 b" q& U" n' |- A6 Wme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing* n1 c0 y, k0 U* L: ?7 I% k
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!2 k8 [$ W$ ~! M: Y3 i
+ a0 M/ x2 K3 X' x7 @+ @7 t/ pShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
. b8 K2 U' d' X* Y, [0 |* Xthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her& [, I, ?" B9 ^5 ?; c5 T2 T: O! G
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
+ q! J1 g& u/ R% ^; G2 N# zwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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2 M* _1 Q7 a* bVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,( x0 i( `1 A9 B1 z8 \
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she B Y8 c, V5 P3 t0 V
was around.% s8 h/ U) g; T
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
4 q |$ ~! W- vI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
7 o# d* g7 m/ _2 Q0 ^. jBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,7 R- R I8 l& K+ X! F" l1 P
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the1 B* t( Q1 \6 o+ K
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it# \! V' f$ k7 O, x" }1 \0 |' O1 o, |' d
all worthwhile.% _9 c9 u, \+ _) `' B& t5 n& @
0 S! D( v5 Y* {4 A3 w; jI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:' z( s/ ]8 U8 n: j+ @/ E, ?
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on9 t5 m, C/ F) g" T% E
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have% a+ I8 s3 G5 B) l# j6 ~( e- f) E
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to2 m0 b4 o- n& w, }0 w
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams& u1 ?7 P# J0 z5 @# c% x
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
# d& X( U% a" p1 v% yearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
; u @5 \8 |# r% R1 H* O2 q$ {7 tthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so$ N8 r" u) i" e% w3 p) s; l9 C X
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a& m6 p; C4 E& X# x9 i/ v
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
k( C6 @& ?( D( o! b3 v4 t3 Mtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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I8 B2 ?5 W/ j' u- `She said some other shit too.
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9 ?/ k* v1 P+ R- XTHURSDAY:
1 G% S9 D/ g4 l6 Z/ yBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as' Y. I2 |/ t8 j8 X g0 _
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
/ r6 T5 w* x( B/ i. p1 T' wbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda3 b6 @1 ^) m- q! _
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
! @" y2 ?" v# h2 L6 Ihid in the men's room.+ e) H( G r5 u% Y
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing# e- W8 V# V4 \4 @
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
( O1 f3 B* T1 u0 g, y- j V" e( xI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
1 S2 ^2 ] U$ t) j+ s4 oany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
( ?: o1 ?! {4 T% c' t7 k' Z9 g. M1 oanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
- }; X) B x/ H% |7 y& bcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda! l% l3 s( ~/ n' J1 f- t1 a: O
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! n! s' H2 Q* ~$ K$ P& e
: A# ?) [1 v) Z$ q3 d# |: hAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me9 b( c* x. o8 ` k7 X5 v
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.4 u8 t9 r& }5 y5 m, h. X l. {/ K
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition9 S) L& v4 n& S. @5 H5 K* _
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
k/ |, l' \0 h; ^: Eor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
C1 h# V! I* uBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
6 z- v& T# t T! Y2 w( ~$ xshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
3 {( k! P# K( }/ Umade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the7 o, [) ?) _: K, P
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight9 Z! d' ]5 {7 T$ z
hours of the Weather Channel.! G$ L. E5 C; B. ]1 T- F' k
6 U' W3 C- x9 C+ ]SUNDAY:. x" V3 U7 f- S# b- Q1 k
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go! [ p! F! P8 z7 O
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
9 ^2 D$ z1 P, E0 x! r; Rmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like$ e8 u& L8 K& r6 e: e% v- q+ w
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
