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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something% j8 Z2 z& ?% _& Z
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
3 a/ d& N" S9 [# f% q% Y8 ainto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:- H a; S1 c2 o3 |
; I, w0 s r+ q G; nFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
p) ?) `3 T- i0 Y. ^. Q5 X7 cweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I$ d7 q2 s1 F; J
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
% P3 W$ m' s( ~5 ryears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
' R4 y9 ]! C X( Q% s/ Otry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer( E) a" f! e0 T, q. Z
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics# s: N4 E/ |2 I2 g+ V2 x' N3 v Q
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
. L- w$ J& j5 Y ^' xencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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5 s5 O$ t/ I# ^4 qMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well5 D x5 e% r, ~* G# G2 q
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
9 q/ s1 v0 l7 V8 ^: ?" e1 s% q+ Q7 eme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing4 W& I* Z5 U3 ^9 a+ J: i
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!& W1 W1 u2 n O, Y! p& C1 } `/ D
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed; b( }5 S% Q$ v; o
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
: _: A0 m- D& s* {! F2 qin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in- D: _8 ]# W$ p1 y4 P4 t
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.7 [1 b) j* n7 |! u) C$ ^ p
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
7 d/ z g! l4 m- u1 v# V1 W. Palthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
8 y9 v0 h3 z t G: |1 xwas around.) }9 `* \( s J6 d: ]& N2 G0 K' x2 H
+ u3 N7 C, t( b4 ?2 i/ tThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:% g. r& B! S6 Z' Y" o/ z
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
8 a" H3 u0 n5 wBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
( b' ]1 C8 A9 Xand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
) X* Q" n6 `, utreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
1 i4 p( j6 Y& Wall worthwhile.4 p- m+ T' O- o* M. [9 X7 v1 g6 F
. F4 b9 l9 Q) X/ u3 j( }I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.$ m; H8 I; D& H
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WEDNESDAY:
4 }1 p: Z' K3 y9 P2 G/ v# jThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
: g( A/ c! X7 A4 P! o5 f) Z& p3 l( W' Othe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
$ @! V9 T L* I o/ u( Va hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to( n: ~ u7 D# }0 x+ q6 Y
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
: X D' u0 d4 K* a- R3 Obothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
7 T$ `1 \, z2 F& rearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
4 V4 W- I# S( Nthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so( A4 {* A% p! N- o' y& \
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
; N% Z6 r; C; x3 Z/ \: {1 Vmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda( m8 y* O f6 m" @
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.$ U7 Z {9 i5 I4 s
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:9 \) O. h, l3 \) B
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
* J9 B3 m4 E+ C' D% W5 vher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
" T* t% g5 \) w6 J, Abeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda" z0 A: G$ ?$ s6 c5 T* r
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and' o/ [: f% A5 ~. F5 r
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
; K, \, @; v: H9 a: q* Kmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
7 @- L m: O# ^) ]0 U. S1 II hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
4 P- x4 [$ k+ ]$ sany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
( x* R1 W$ \9 I0 xanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I& Z- `5 y7 @9 j$ x
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
$ I! T, f# [3 w6 Vwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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3 O+ n) S b, LAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me# m9 P" S( n: C* U: e9 e: ^
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.$ }* ?0 F7 \5 I+ ?6 \) I' t+ i
" R y; U2 {8 J4 d: [+ gThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition% e3 ], @8 o* _) S
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach: z* r6 x' {8 r5 `4 h
or the choir director?
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* H/ P# ]0 |3 a5 kSATURDAY:: s, Y0 q4 Y {, [$ ]0 e# y4 H, ^
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,9 N2 R4 A4 [9 Q0 X c: s
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her9 e7 w! v Q4 i1 C6 f, C% |1 `3 q
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the& s; h- E% a* y! c
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
. Y" \, j* L. @2 N5 p1 c9 [hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
( U+ U( k/ K1 h4 E; @/ w/ m [& v. ^I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
+ n7 `1 Y0 y! M4 d! v" e+ Y9 zand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
2 P1 Y5 K/ I- R) Z0 ]my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like8 r$ i9 U0 [; p+ f
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
