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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
- y* N$ {6 M* v1 m7 b8 R& Xwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get$ x: [% D) V3 f* f# k1 M! v7 l
into a regular workout routine.
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( E8 U: X8 w, T8 u4 R# gDear Diary:1 h1 a, N, X9 i0 E7 T
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
8 D/ e0 _0 ?7 b w; p) Vweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
2 ~# i! b o, A- N% n) Lam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 259 R6 E2 o# J! F# @3 s+ f0 x, A
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
) e3 A7 `' j. d1 `% mtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
" R3 Y& U& W* @; Cnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
. ]+ c/ n M* b2 J, L8 H6 n4 J7 @instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.* V: v& u/ Z- E6 A
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
6 S% a, j$ s/ x3 n/ r& Kencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
d4 n# A! F7 k Hworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
+ e |# I8 P4 ~9 J2 ^me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing* `3 }- Y" u* g3 i H# o" k
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!5 _8 T6 l: J) [6 u$ \
3 `/ I2 R3 \& v& @) r7 q# ]1 r) ~6 eShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed9 B3 m6 ]- ~7 {2 `, B! l7 Q4 b
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her' l0 p* a+ ]+ y# \
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in1 l" y( z' j3 p" H. C: [
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,9 E% s, m# l+ V0 X& r
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she* T( j) x. |# B: r- [& k. y% }
was around.- J P; L, k& j$ C w
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!& F: }& o5 p+ |9 ?5 {- I
) H5 T: n( M, {, z RTUESDAY:
/ Q) H- @; Y' _2 \I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
6 t7 f3 _" C8 f2 Z2 ]Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,7 C) Y* G! d! j v
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the6 K# h# ~" |2 C. x1 I
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it8 U/ z+ L3 g# x! F
all worthwhile.1 q( D. K& z: c ]
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
$ b6 g- C7 q3 b4 g7 kThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
* G, J8 s- l. V) `# z2 v2 O; dthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have! z* i( ^" `& z2 n
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to0 G* q8 [" z8 b# K( M' x
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams/ U2 J$ k1 g1 ^) ~& F
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
Y! R! X3 s2 g0 d9 j- Vearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine/ E3 t) Y" i" w; k! @4 e- f
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so0 k" }3 ?' D7 A% D* c7 r; @- ?
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
. [9 _. l; U* K1 R8 `" h6 ~machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda. \" \5 @! z% M6 m( a
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.$ g: s$ D! z: a, N; d2 E8 j1 t+ y4 C) X
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She said some other shit too.) w& c8 T3 W2 O- _
' Q, H/ _8 g2 a$ v2 B- Q4 X. {THURSDAY:( j% ^; k& C# Z( c
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
; V6 [) P: s4 ]( g2 z7 jher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help) P" y1 N! w1 ?4 |1 B4 t( q) v
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda% S" }9 C7 w6 B6 |4 }
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
$ \) `# e$ {+ D! E khid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing8 i7 e" {9 N, {
machine -- which I sank.# ^+ n3 Y3 a7 w1 V
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FRIDAY:5 e/ @; I& k6 C: N" |, \
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated" g( B4 K9 }5 q+ [. l( c( o9 d
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,9 ]$ _% d5 `( w; j9 d" ]: g2 j
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
' W6 x/ l; s5 O1 X5 V" wcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda5 @ X, l0 k# @. k8 h& _
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
' q' P$ D/ X1 {# I+ z' q; C% e, Ithe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.& }. {' O8 d {: _7 \3 e. v
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition9 w/ R0 |2 ^/ c* p/ W0 B+ G8 C' a
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
8 r- a3 L8 @( w5 zor the choir director?
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% s p( i/ U) {3 ^- @8 SSATURDAY:% \- t* L1 Z4 b1 n
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
2 }: [! @6 ?9 c- A+ \6 A/ B. zshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
4 d. ~/ r' W, D: m* }9 Qmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
, }" a6 z. l( C P: f% cstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight' S: o, L2 l) b" [- U
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:6 p# Y* Z* B- V
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
0 l6 O# f6 K+ s7 N) Band thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,- Y) I e/ |- R5 G3 w b
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
6 V8 m$ i8 x5 [a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
