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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
f# O+ n6 p$ G9 g$ F- Twrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
' z6 F+ E2 c7 T. p+ v7 V Winto a regular workout routine.; S6 e3 L9 L. @# r F# ]$ P8 o f
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Dear Diary:/ W4 w* I8 h. r# y+ a- F. {) w* o
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a& N0 Q- f* E4 T7 n) r
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I/ L. V, P; W( N" S
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
% j1 _: L: U8 t& o8 s, cyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a' l3 ]. v+ p. f# ~3 [9 _
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer, o5 _3 F* B- @% H7 y% _
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics, o s$ z' ]( O R! l
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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' [4 Z" i g; c+ k9 lMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club/ h) _* j& p; e& |
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:8 \4 M$ F: V7 f4 c& ]! g
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
$ l6 ]* s- q# {/ ^- \& ^worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for' ?2 R' E$ d2 ]9 V
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
7 Q, \' }8 X6 ~8 E( Oeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!5 k" ~9 x0 q8 f! U
; a2 z' B! t9 aShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed! Q7 ]; r* Z2 b) G( j
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her4 ~/ M' M# @' `' B! S6 r! M: w4 B
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in2 q' x- m2 k$ E( S
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.6 o7 F! x# u2 i% C: G
# T' }4 B+ S$ E2 m+ eVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
B" l; A/ h' @+ ?7 ^# Z; Ialthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she9 v" w, U& I5 y) {* T' X+ N+ B
was around.3 c6 c" |0 b( q4 }$ o; @: F
9 Q& t% A, t( B6 K( f# Y& {This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!; m/ L4 ?& A: _/ N- M1 l7 L8 w
2 q# A0 I I* t& {/ TTUESDAY:: E/ \! b3 T/ N7 f
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
7 X2 c) q+ ~2 H: W: x0 }1 b: \$ PBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,* @, ^% d0 }6 m, \7 T: |# E6 n- @
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
3 l. Z& K2 V* R; p4 \, otreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
$ x1 _. b+ l, U: X6 p0 N, wall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.; C }7 y. P" P' }
6 I- F7 ~+ o/ U. y- S* wWEDNESDAY:0 ~& P' r$ ^! Q1 o3 a9 \# K
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
! O4 t, u% [6 }the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
( Z6 E4 q' W7 S Q' o) w, g. ?8 _a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
/ e7 b# n6 ?7 d' Xsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams# x8 L9 j' ~6 s1 R: i; Z1 \
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
6 b/ T# X) [5 o6 Vearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine2 `' C: o/ E% g+ Z; p8 [0 t
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so: c' w3 o* [: _) J l0 S- F- c+ `
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
1 A) |: Z2 J. H* Y8 Bmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
" P0 |; I7 Y Y( I' ]$ ztold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.+ V6 g4 L2 R5 `$ c) V& w' z
/ i9 t9 E: ~. C W) P1 pShe said some other shit too.
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% v5 i0 v' u sTHURSDAY:
, h6 `% m6 T1 r2 F D2 ~4 ~Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as! m4 q* X( X7 E. Z0 E
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
0 T( \ o) F, ], _, [, s; Gbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda5 C( y; o: _8 c. Z# u( y+ b' [
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and! H# J8 }5 h2 @2 Y" ~1 U
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing: o0 _0 T7 v" \ L4 K/ _# [
machine -- which I sank." B: U2 Q" v8 J. e6 J9 Z+ D8 e
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FRIDAY:
, g9 ^ f" n, V' I V1 JI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
: S) E) [ P' f. y, Vany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
1 O- Z# P6 |, k+ e9 v6 nanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I7 c: _% H1 C: F7 q7 ]
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda, i. `! ` W& R I- Y0 y
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
7 k( T6 O1 Q0 L5 v j- Gthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
8 D3 {+ x9 @2 X, M+ [7 zteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach& r2 j) H0 x- b$ o4 e
or the choir director?7 D% k: \. x t# Y8 v* P5 v
+ F) X. B @6 ~, u5 m/ ?# g1 S8 uSATURDAY:& C) J' @6 v8 `# F I0 u* f1 r
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
* h5 e, Q# T7 n2 w4 v! J5 }shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her4 W l& g& w+ K, U- @
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
* p% [6 L2 x5 Xstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight0 N, |; O: j: C' n
hours of the Weather Channel.8 J2 V) L `' b g
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SUNDAY:
: f. Y6 Q8 B: ^" w& J" g. z& uI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go; ^; F: \9 V' u& c1 C }, R* j
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
* A7 ?4 m, ~' u) f7 b0 omy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like" o: L n/ x1 q4 K3 b( |
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
