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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
+ S% l; B1 _8 ?wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get/ L' g U8 J0 T8 {0 O
into a regular workout routine.
8 } z. ^8 |: _+ w
6 e4 V) q1 E# K6 b b7 kDear Diary:4 ] G8 E: c; A. _$ k5 n
6 c# N% N, ^7 J: dFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a3 x; B9 q2 l' y; Z3 D# w" ?
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I0 ~- b3 X8 K- {! c
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25+ X, P6 y6 V9 n, H; n
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
% F1 k1 Y2 p( F& u- ?, Qtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer- |) G S2 A; f
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics$ f q5 D/ W; r" p/ A7 [; a
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.5 o0 g, y4 R& O' T
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
3 k0 h/ R& _1 { z, dencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:0 E; l8 L \7 Q# C: _
0 ^9 \* _' }: Q# m% B- ]" B& fStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well2 j# Q, F; n3 Q2 P; }; l
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for, @3 a% w# b4 N9 D7 ^
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing3 r {. g& m9 h( }. Q8 h
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!: g! r+ \: w* k# N1 t
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed1 q1 k' T% G2 X4 m D
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
# j; b* `4 K4 Y4 Kin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in: G& A( o( E3 ^" E& s
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.: Q/ {. W* o/ D" p- h3 {
2 d, q- d0 K4 H4 K+ w1 _: ]
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
' q! W/ x) {$ w, M5 Q+ jalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
1 Q# t) ^9 O: z/ o2 r$ Fwas around.! ~5 D+ W4 S2 O
# Z& v- q1 X( t! Y: @" D) _This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!! l$ h! c& z' j9 ]# k3 E
0 R! A6 w+ ?+ p. p4 e5 oTUESDAY:" @* m# u( _" z8 G
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.( }7 n2 K2 Z' ~. e! V6 x& `6 z
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,3 U3 }! v% ^( u( [8 _4 f
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the( R# u S" k. E5 `$ I- }( C6 [1 t# \1 k
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
" k# d$ W/ q; e9 Z7 Hall worthwhile.3 t% r- p& x0 D9 f
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.! q* d; x+ Y( {# ?) x% H
* }* U$ H/ `/ }; B zWEDNESDAY:
' k' l8 z$ i0 j$ K6 WThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on- ?) P: X3 G% W3 F6 n8 U
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
3 b. c- _5 M) c! N" y! b: e! la hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
) ]3 E5 B+ o2 usteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams. x; D, J+ ]3 F* G+ t' R/ J
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
& Y# x" O9 s* K D% s: Kearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
4 C: y* k( x/ d( j; F& {that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
- C& z! t1 g- _- ]& n8 M9 s# GBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a6 R4 T6 v e, \+ u* Q8 K3 M$ c6 w
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda1 V" Z- U n [1 C! x
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.! a0 j" a$ }# I: n. x/ D" [* \. a6 B
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She said some other shit too.7 O T3 k" ~; _, @
6 h: j* E2 Q' I* NTHURSDAY:8 K) V5 j/ d3 O; f; S8 K
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as6 L/ h$ u9 Q8 _1 a! y4 @$ x( p3 s! o
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help5 k: f4 d0 F1 h
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda6 m8 w' b+ s" T1 i* ~* w" O" V
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and1 e8 c4 [# i$ Y7 J. W$ U
hid in the men's room. q2 C7 q' N. o5 _
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing6 L5 x0 C- W- {( n7 r
machine -- which I sank.7 Y5 n9 \1 u! V; q
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FRIDAY:
8 [* D- S+ h( H7 J' H2 R( M& j* cI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated1 F2 `+ R1 S# ^, m; P s, w& x. @
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
+ f& K9 V- T$ ]# C% Wanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I" F8 a3 w; e" n5 k
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda& D4 Q7 s5 r" H: W( U9 X. Z1 k5 @
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!; K! M) Z) u2 |& p
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me0 F0 O& ~% }; K/ R
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. x( `) d6 m+ T, f$ j
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition9 k! J) Y- T; ?" B( r0 v n, q" H( H
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
6 B7 D+ x3 ~& ]( B7 Cor the choir director?- R* {) k+ K9 u
+ Q0 G0 e4 ]% e1 @6 q/ Z# B
SATURDAY:
8 o5 n0 r4 ]. t6 A$ UBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
. a; d& P: x9 e: U0 r4 Pshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her8 c: b+ z: Q4 h" e: f
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
: f8 t0 w5 o) Z0 K/ |- I! _strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight& b+ h8 K" L9 I" W- x
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
- S ^/ K, E& p( v9 p, B) @- iI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go$ E6 V; ?4 {: t1 [9 C$ S, G
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
5 C' K- m4 u. qmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
& ^% P1 d" d' `- l, l; \& {a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
