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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
+ W* Q- U( x- E$ P7 p& I, zwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get% y, O6 U9 S, m3 j8 n$ [/ k
into a regular workout routine." J: Z! H2 e5 K' Y4 A" R/ c
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Dear Diary:
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8 J1 s! v! i' v' h* yFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a4 G y3 ^; R9 p' F
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I+ s- e- O( X( ^' F; Y( H+ g1 v0 m8 f" N
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25! m9 `& b, A: Q, V; |- Z1 a
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
' Z- D. ]% o0 j3 ztry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer/ i0 d r7 s" F4 R# J% L" x
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
$ o3 t2 E& [' Z- _) j( r; Winstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.3 n8 A9 N7 a; G5 I/ C
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club0 R/ L* i5 v3 E% \- k' B% d+ |
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.# ^7 L. g7 R {; _6 I/ C, u6 M
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
8 c+ `7 ]2 H& [' r1 B6 p3 v2 qworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
6 ]# F v! l6 ^me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
1 Z7 E) k6 |/ Z& u* ?8 K; h$ _eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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" R) r. G& K; F5 f1 ]% XShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
; Z V% X6 f; ^1 e: |# Vthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
/ f$ c2 ?. D8 g& Ein her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in0 V- ]% w+ s1 j) A; W1 Z
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,: T0 v; o9 q( m/ w
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she2 S8 y( D. k! g' D/ f
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!, P. p T( l8 |: \* v% l) l7 p# e
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TUESDAY:$ b9 H! U% P# b. _6 r/ }; _9 g+ l8 C
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
4 J2 S. j" G$ wBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
: w: b r7 w- g- _3 B+ c! y3 wand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
& r. l; w9 B, w; |2 ?0 \treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it: E2 `2 V( M! M# T5 h) \! \
all worthwhile., k6 Q C& B3 Z# R: v% O5 e$ f
" @# `( W4 x0 x( S1 U" ?* DI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:- o: G+ `6 `8 ]6 X; h( t6 n
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
0 z* Z2 b/ m$ ?the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
1 {7 l) ]1 H1 \a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to1 U8 w* F4 Z4 b5 {% e, |
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams; t; h9 E0 q+ G. e+ x! E" C% d
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for8 h1 u- ?5 I5 A$ J9 c$ Y
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
( z; j" X; _$ @& e$ N8 lthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
6 u, d3 q2 a) l4 y) EBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
$ j! A3 F& x% F/ P9 [# f/ jmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda. C7 X5 g- V: D4 W( h$ q
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life., n9 g; i5 @5 k- g
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She said some other shit too.6 F, S$ }/ |# I8 ^- V
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THURSDAY:
+ O3 r! I6 O2 e# k, Z5 v4 D+ VBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
; v8 F9 H' {( f6 r) ]her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
7 ~/ \; v' ]' Ybeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda1 x' f) r1 i: \# s* n: b0 m; O2 ]. J
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and+ P; g- k8 w; y3 M
hid in the men's room.6 x' J9 M" {9 J; D, |
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing) U$ g% [! z) q! S7 M" ]( a
machine -- which I sank.' B( I0 V# {! k, ^
! d9 A# s1 V& Z6 s: q3 k+ UFRIDAY:
7 H) ~5 O* I, rI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
1 b& x* R& a4 Q/ d! ~# iany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
' j% o8 T9 D7 u( Zanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I0 p7 _0 e# O* m2 `
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
) \7 K" |+ y( a1 T h8 Vwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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1 S1 a- ?& a- l/ Y5 O" kAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me' Q- V% \* i( Q1 f+ B
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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* m8 S# u3 M- C5 c: e) z/ [The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
. |0 ^# b0 G0 Yteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach; n' [0 i0 Q' P) @! w
or the choir director?4 a7 \. C" g2 s% D3 r1 o7 y
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SATURDAY:
; {9 B7 V( b( D" jBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
8 l: E, h2 w( |0 }. }# ?shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
) Q" O% I: I7 L0 Lmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the; m g$ B# D5 z
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight& R% T; ^. x+ j
hours of the Weather Channel.4 ^0 ] t8 E7 K% B$ `, Z: |& [$ h; o1 `
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SUNDAY:8 t& Q' \- [5 h; d8 N9 z; Q: G
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go" ~) Q( S' t3 y" [
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,' y0 d# Z) `, p" q% q/ M
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
$ x& Z( ]- d5 ja root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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显身卡
发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
