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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
- o+ g7 L( L4 F- ?wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get. N- r' A- L2 V8 Y, _0 j- {
into a regular workout routine.6 J$ I5 b$ J# _8 [, o6 n
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a7 e2 `" Y: C! o0 {5 K: t# U9 q
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
9 m7 u6 p4 O3 C0 j: l( sam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25& `6 y* F9 a. Z8 B- o- F$ m3 O& Z
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a1 t) h5 w2 G! E5 z( I
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
& N0 ^: _6 j8 R( _( inamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
0 x( A$ X5 C" T8 T# {9 ?instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club. y6 A' o8 } Q- T
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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8 F) f- e8 I/ hMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
+ j$ N0 G- T9 w2 Q9 vworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for: d4 l P0 V# ~4 [8 e
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing8 y4 @8 [' g, ^9 v
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed2 d% ?, j% G+ p5 K
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her0 G$ Y% y. T$ x5 M5 ]: m
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in) g- E3 V3 W) `$ p, x
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
* L5 x+ S& @& [although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
6 t4 r; w# k/ y# gwas around.! _2 T/ P0 P9 f- i+ @
& @, T% M' c# n2 l* lThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!3 O- I7 p. c/ I8 N
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TUESDAY:
1 k E# ]9 S. g, q5 iI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.1 i- |. q7 y) e2 C
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
4 w/ K) t* |4 Q! y6 }7 w4 @- |6 d- dand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the9 C" b. e' M# D9 _* y$ U; ?0 _9 W
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
9 C) y' a8 ?$ t) wall worthwhile.3 p) n8 s h) w
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:3 W$ |, T ]# e; j# f
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
# a, F( A' }! x6 H# @the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have" v3 `3 ~/ p) _+ @
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
7 u: @& y. s6 z! Psteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
8 L# e! Z( t, r5 L7 l+ d+ o) Kbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for0 h5 `, g: j) u+ q5 c* {3 f& ]
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine- c( o: O3 b& b. k% ]" t
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
4 q$ q* a/ h8 Q+ T6 ^Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
l* r+ M- a' y+ Y$ tmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda( Z6 o% b, E2 |4 U( D
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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% M( H O5 b7 {# ]8 M4 h! }6 p0 s0 xShe said some other shit too.
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$ ^/ U- }1 ]# JTHURSDAY:8 y# B0 [1 U+ z/ y6 s
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as$ L0 R( v0 i& l
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help) ]; n3 p3 {7 G4 k, D
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
2 h4 U5 I- H% F' M: Otook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
4 a, ?) \8 y/ ?8 Nhid in the men's room.) R9 y/ J; |, f+ I1 y3 g
3 } L6 l: G* s+ @7 }2 z- e S) ~She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
8 ~6 {6 n8 t! Ymachine -- which I sank.
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+ C- [% x- H, J# }0 ~FRIDAY:
( `7 y* ]$ p+ Z- UI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated! n' n+ f% V# f) [1 _' w
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
1 b. ]+ f* o p. _anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I$ b; l+ k {! V2 D( s
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
3 D# [* `1 i2 i' y* q4 O( Vwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me+ V$ ]9 o* ]( v
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition' S) |0 {8 I4 S+ J Z4 i
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
+ h+ e5 e1 A4 ]* ~" w2 u+ p. zor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
) @9 H4 g; U$ d; u; _) ]5 I2 L5 nBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,0 C$ R1 @6 r( n; i% H9 f6 K6 q
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her7 |. e6 z3 D' s4 Y5 r+ W4 Q' t+ b9 k0 l. E
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
, d I8 o1 k. e! v9 D" ]; rstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
3 m7 S4 x( F; l6 B7 s+ W, nhours of the Weather Channel.* g2 b" ~0 D4 |2 F2 B- O) r1 U
1 e- G' ?0 \5 }! v. C# YSUNDAY:
5 i m0 k# d4 K3 x0 ^3 q6 C' [I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
f: ]) Z4 E8 W8 xand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
% G b X/ \4 v: `, J4 h+ pmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like7 _$ m9 g. s- f, r+ J/ V. ]& z
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
