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Dress Code: $ X: h# \# I& I# q1 R4 s% o
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
x4 D6 b9 y7 F0 q, G0 Y- l2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
! x d$ u; v& c2 }! R0 L# P3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
# |5 P% ^$ w* @& A1 A4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
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$ f' m6 j( L2 V4 j& N7 r7 A$ x0 VSick Days:
! b: J# E( |+ Y% l; @- eWe will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
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Personal Days:
. J' k( o. X/ S& F8 @Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
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Bereavement Leave:
/ t, N$ ?) ?* n0 A1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. 9 O( b8 n& ?: R1 a4 U* a
2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. ! X; ]) ?* [9 ~2 w: a
3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon.
6 Y6 [) j: Z' k) B9 `8 `4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
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4 J/ {/ \& |+ MBathroom Breaks:
8 T: v& H* j- t1 O4 o1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. 4 y1 U C; \+ \: S. d' ?
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. , v9 i0 B" u4 r6 A: _5 S
3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. " |- I) [5 |3 u' m3 m* @
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. ) T8 E6 L% I7 u) T8 H
% f# O/ W% @1 gLunch Break:
/ l5 O! p5 `! E0 g' ^" d1 y4 z1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* R+ y1 ?3 F; Y' V9 `2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
% f. O$ k2 d* ] ~3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. - c$ `2 Y3 {/ W
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Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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The Management
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1 m. \: S9 c* R7 ]# S; h' `6 HPass this on to all who are employed. |
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