我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
9 _4 n- R  l9 p4 e! y8 m& yAt the first week we met
$ f' p& o$ W5 N: b9 L7 Y1 {
' m3 u& D' k  a! t$ sYou have charm, you have looks
: B$ w4 F, \3 ]4 i0 l" `2 h$ Qwith full of pimples in face
, L* E) b. I, W# b( O* XAs spotting sky at a summer night
( e' D+ C+ a3 u! N4 j% a3 Q4 E3 gThey are shining stars

) J9 ]  S+ B, ?$ l7 BYour lip is so big
& g6 j  K( Z7 Z' U  j2 p$ {& P/ }7 H7 fAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
- Y, K  P+ g  H  ?4 Q6 NAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
( }* `0 n/ `  P* j. ~* J% OEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
7 H* z. G3 f. I( NAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
- v4 n0 `" l* f, HSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
9 d( c: ~) D5 b) n; m2 N5 ]* VEating with sound is a pig

; H) \" e- H! P) |7 P9 S% CI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
3 b& y  A5 S* F( n& e% o# t2 xAnd that is the price for love

" S1 d2 Z: D6 W  ^9 }3 G/ Uyou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
( S0 G* K0 k) _8 dand I am helping you to improve'

% b- s1 v, `2 RYou are loving me
* y% i- k. o6 h) x6 M' K; o! Nor that one in your mind?
" i, Q3 a. a' `0 b! J3 tMy mind is like a mud
3 ~3 }9 t) _+ j# I2 ^can be shaped whatever you want

! I. g  q  F8 P! `( P0 xunfortunalety not my heart
& ^5 q. ^4 n. B/ V0 o/ `It is slashed by you
9 a6 Y; f) C( N. G6 Tand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

1 c) `2 Y, [8 K# S& B, K
/ x& P+ v6 a* q0 C& t- @咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
: n) s, j. ?0 L: vi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
+ @% y2 F' ?. p, x+ R& y- ^3 ZAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

- R, y0 o9 G$ C* P7 c+ rwith the charm,
with the simles.
9 K6 `9 P2 w' Z9 a/ vI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

6 J9 n6 l7 N! T: c) d; nYour lip is so soft
% }8 X$ z* u" l- u$ P0 l9 Cthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

+ O5 G3 u4 S0 H+ }- l$ ^7 ]8 P+ R8 sI am deeply in love
, u8 e. T1 \/ L9 L& gEverything from you is so charming
8 Y# s& y* ]8 q% }although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
8 h: {# M" H. x$ F9 h/ rBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
+ B" X& G+ `9 m

! _+ x# d- }- b1 ~4 XHis hello is the end of her endings
$ a4 y( B. ^- s4 P/ b" D  EHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
3 ]0 _( P: m" ^! BHe said she was what was missing
) b9 r  L1 x3 j; b8 TShe said instantly she knew
3 [) g' y$ d0 x3 G3 o" {; V5 X+ dShe was a question to be answered
; f# F# ^5 l/ v7 ?/ UAnd his answer is
( g1 `/ ^( r+ W/ \, Y# OI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
/ J' W  P: ~1 ]5 R4 b3 fMy heart beat so fast
0 t5 r3 n+ }& g! E- EI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
3 F: k9 Q! I- [" }1 O# _# {1 P
You left me without a word
6 L% O7 a4 G3 y5 O! v: m2 ]0 fI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
  k& Y& W4 |  vHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
/ E( @# \; M, Y- L4 OYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, Y+ O1 d6 z; Q就和用中文写一次
) L7 Z' L; o, _阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
/ S% u: W/ c$ F+ j8 Q你让我脸发热
0 r) O$ G' p& _我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 F: v% N5 H& a" ]1 l8 GXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
1 j6 g/ p; b6 v  U/ H# k就和用中文写一次
" y3 i8 U# ]4 r: c阿,我爱你
4 D% P; [0 p: N9 O. J你让我心跳好快
* {4 e" f1 r  |: o  `你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
5 t! J* C. i: q( w" o" z  |XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

- s  v, X7 L# v9 {4 M% ^
2 X/ ]6 |, p$ `, v8 V+ f靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。