我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
0 j  V: t8 {9 h% d9 Q; Z0 X8 r9 v
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
& U7 G( Q3 `6 V! W5 t, T8 L5 g
0 Y8 M  ]4 y( l' Y! SYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
8 v" n9 }5 o; g/ c% K2 xAs spotting sky at a summer night
% i5 R* K: L( q+ P* fThey are shining stars
0 [1 |: {* y5 T9 G! [
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
: ?( i) x- @% \7 q! X5 }And that is good for sex
4 o7 w2 B/ W( M
I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
! z; `9 R1 E9 ^. e' G. C" z
You could not stand my eating
$ c5 e: R0 o, JSaying no good for making funny sound
' Q3 C8 w; F! x* aI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

% m9 u' x. Y6 `! ^0 Y8 }I fell in love with you
0 v! u* p  [6 T) B: fBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
  u1 _" C; D6 G& s0 bAnd that is the price for love
2 F& }' o. u  }/ i5 i8 b8 u" Y
you are deeply in love
/ w& D) W5 T/ P! q. wEverything from me is negative
; V8 X; l5 g  S3 T, D% W; H* J"My man should be like this,
4 e0 }2 L0 `" u! f$ m9 {+ {  Xand I am helping you to improve'
6 F: d+ k7 E# Q  b
You are loving me
, q  w  Z: ~2 j$ G! F# Z' I# `or that one in your mind?
: S0 r& W0 g. DMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
0 h1 D5 ]0 u9 }/ f9 D+ B
unfortunalety not my heart
- B7 \- N, l" Z3 jIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
) _9 j8 k9 \: N# d
; o6 y: t. a. g6 x# ~; v0 EI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
' ^  E! f* S& ^, ymy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
+ y/ B4 G& O0 g( D' x) l
5 K5 i8 Y2 X+ T  ?& n, [/ E2 pwith the charm,
6 O, u0 g* w2 g% x, vwith the simles.
+ v' M- w3 R, O" _, S% F/ s+ g2 w5 SI fell in love with you
- [0 i+ r) b( z  S) h' l3 p' ]In the first sign.
- Y0 \; X- x7 v$ R* Y) b* X. A& tAs spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
! |. {! y5 P# a/ Z% T. I  A# Rthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
' |/ i5 [& ?3 s" u% x
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
( ?5 V$ a" d$ r  Z  dalthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
' r% b: @$ T  Q! B% _7 `$ z! ]) ABut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


* w& ]! v) P7 d6 E3 d1 kHis hello is the end of her endings
; c3 ^  D4 X: i- X$ WHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
/ @0 R+ ^' u8 J6 A6 gHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
- \1 Q0 G  a1 [" U- wHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
9 g8 Y0 x5 l: F8 M! k0 j. A
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
5 k) J( C. z* l, G" T% ~. gMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

+ J6 k  W! w  b* O- TFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
# g+ }+ T$ J. s4 B5 o1 hIn the depth of my soul
: g6 W2 W  Q+ wI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
' @, M1 H9 e8 [, }2 h你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
  k% a$ d2 {! J阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
& A9 Q6 V0 y5 f) E6 t你让我脸发热
5 o; _9 I/ z2 E2 `, z我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ B: C& C* k$ w5 h/ X+ W) gXXXXX
7 \$ I! T. h! ^# a: Y1 o7 |, _* n不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
$ S* }, Q8 w- g2 Q$ w% |3 u
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
! M4 b3 L5 S' C# U, R, c1 U+ `. S" N$ d5 I闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
2 R" V1 j0 V+ |( i, _6 y你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
/ A, R! P, Y0 f' I2 k$ L就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
  I( |8 F* a) k/ g! u- o你让我心跳好快
/ b! |- j: t( c+ `: r" Z  w, n你让我脸发热
: U  w7 T: `) _. L! W' S我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
. s1 P, Q0 A6 Z不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

( o5 R: o3 B! d# m靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
; g0 A/ X$ m+ x1 X2 b) ]

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。