埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5268|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love/ g, c  H7 }2 ?

; E2 V) w! G) e* v6 TI fell in love with you 3 [  o$ w" o8 t! ~) _
At the first week we met' R! u5 m# I' `

% f. m" [1 L* M$ I- l- ?, o- @1 e" IYou have charm, you have looks2 T4 O5 u$ A8 E5 S2 C6 s
with full of pimples in face
8 ?. p1 F" Z  C) [4 z8 uAs spotting sky at a summer night
5 P/ m/ ]) B" z- Z" a$ pThey are shining stars
* H  S5 ^( q5 o0 r. s* D' h, }, L, v" }+ i
Your lip is so big" d' q8 R8 U9 _8 Z- Y; N
And that’s good for a kiss! |- Q/ i2 i* i
Your body is chubby+ \/ g& @% }% f" q
And that is good for sex
* F. ]8 W: I- J, _! `/ N4 V) m, {5 ?
I was deeply in love
6 {% F" S% l& u$ W$ _) JEverything from you is positive2 S" n! p% u* |7 |& v. F
You blame me everything and everyday6 N9 i& \2 x* P" v
And I think all girls sound like
. N& |1 B% |4 y" y/ }5 O! _- P* `4 p$ a! `+ m( e' u
You could not stand my eating) I/ }2 f) \& o
Saying no good for making funny sound# W4 Z' B) b' Z* ^8 M
I think you are perfectly right
) `  C9 M: F! V/ `Eating with sound is a pig
+ _8 t) E" _8 k
7 ?( m3 t2 K* @) M( iI fell in love with you ! h9 @1 z1 ^0 Y' i$ [: j" w! h- j
Become a fool to think! a& T* p' k/ N+ d  L! ~. a4 r
All trouble things you did" b6 i( p+ k4 Z( u/ E0 e, I9 k- m7 k
And that is the price for love
3 M" o6 v( ?) d/ [0 T% L; Q$ P% n& X) Q& h: z; \$ m
you are deeply in love
4 K8 P$ x# ?+ S, D2 H, MEverything from me is negative, X5 Y( A9 y3 J8 N2 M
"My man should be like this,9 z) e' c. Q- a
and I am helping you to improve'9 v; U. W" u6 c7 U
1 g6 g7 t6 W# b# u' D& K
You are loving me
# ?/ p# ~! {( s, A5 h2 for that one in your mind?7 M8 O' v3 f8 U1 X! {
My mind is like a mud6 L0 v' H0 U$ @! T' V
can be shaped whatever you want
, W1 v) V1 x; a; H! j2 Z) o* H& B# l7 j
unfortunalety not my heart- y- w) w" r9 K0 i( O7 b
It is slashed by you
% p. J" b. L+ E. Q# E. Vand I am seriously hurt
- f  _; h2 w6 X$ w, }( Q$ J# ^1 ~' T3 X  L) U! S8 w/ T
I will never love another
2 t6 U9 ^7 W2 N9 W7 n! n# CIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
5 V* M5 I8 x. dmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

1 r! H2 E2 z' ~) x5 j% z$ c" Z- f: Z7 F# {: O% v
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!8 x; X, f. P: Z1 T/ V
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, + L4 j$ h) W- w% T% [  r: F" x0 y
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
& `2 a! \# U) I3 M1 p3 {And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
8 L  k' y% @) p7 p
( X2 ~5 ]; Q9 Uwith the charm,- x( B7 v3 ?4 y. c: q8 N
with the simles.
- b  w3 y5 P; n; o8 n5 L* T2 KI fell in love with you ; V8 v; V$ [7 [6 y) I' W
In the first sign.: d9 i! ~" x! o3 v* i
As spotting sky at a summer # \+ x" w/ n5 W7 z
( L6 U& L/ A* |
Your lip is so soft ) \2 p: m' T" M6 Z
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
8 v6 n! d2 B8 ]Your body is so sexy4 I) }/ v. P* [. C, u8 V
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
4 u8 M& z8 N" b- D3 G9 n, }! g; M2 ]3 t9 h
I am deeply in love
0 d- s. S; T" j, D& JEverything from you is so charming0 u3 K: a$ o3 d1 f0 l
although You r so picky for me
: g( E5 v1 a: O; M7 WAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
; d* N) g0 U* h. f) e1 bBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem+ Q3 ~6 [0 v+ J9 Y. X( z

0 A- r9 x0 f* x3 P# j% x4 K/ G' C& t% k, |
His hello is the end of her endings
" I' M9 o1 d# Y& p9 r! |) I% {Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle- [7 s" u1 Z5 I5 P3 K. Q7 K
His hand would be hers to hold forever
7 Q, ^- U0 y) a4 w2 p/ SHis forever is simply as her smile
' e# m% B2 f7 p1 \- R6 D/ W! [He said she was what was missing) q, y9 f& Z/ I3 M6 R% I& i
She said instantly she knew  y  p! W# [: W: ]: _" ]( F
She was a question to be answered8 k: ~2 H' g8 U, Y7 w
And his answer is
* h2 @5 c( L- ?! o8 F* VI do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas, V  P% n( l4 B

$ q" S9 g+ [* {( S; ?7 A2 E' iBelow is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt( z- ^- J5 Q" s: T% y
! O% B0 v( ^8 S9 Q# G- B
It's amazing how I felt
1 E4 U$ t% v$ V* C; h/ s% {' uwhen I was with you4 P; D7 V- }. u
My heart beat so fast
1 ?- J) @) o, Y( T+ ^- U9 qI looked at you and thought
! t; W1 o) ]! f6 B0 M+ i7 `7 FHoly Jesus, you were so cute" ?8 d) g  Y! Y, r5 c
( P4 D, y- @3 Q, _0 \
You left me without a word! x) Y1 A) f4 f) a* ^
I have nothing except my emptiness2 D/ V& b( o0 X+ w! n
My mood is like a cloud
# p1 ], C2 k# I+ XHow could it be dispersed?4 i- a; g. `1 N1 G5 y
% h3 u3 j" W0 J. a" c8 V7 v
Feelings bite my heart " F& I+ n" J. b7 `1 y$ q% J* p3 q
You are the right one I wait
+ p/ V$ k% d$ a9 Z7 P4 u7 ~5 A+ VIn the depth of my soul
! S7 S+ _( D5 `) dI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
6 b8 k; v7 A% x4 G2 x9 |( u9 r& P) }你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道/ i& x$ w4 e2 b
就和用中文写一次! c% p5 y; Z) c" G) Y
阿,我爱你8 T/ |( M# k. M
你让我心跳好快7 L0 p+ F/ I6 a0 V# C; z4 i  C
你让我脸发热
' m+ s5 q: j3 u' S: p, `3 o. S我爱上你的大嘴唇% v  p9 o/ z3 f
XXXXX
6 F0 [2 ~0 v, ~" D不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?2 ~5 Q# @% k! p  _5 J! g3 Q9 U. s

. P# ^5 g/ \6 J1 G% I- Q: w如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
; T) D4 X' E1 `$ e. C/ E3 r至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 3 G) @3 l# [9 k- l
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
* j$ U$ B2 Y! r% r你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
& B. y% p$ I7 @3 g6 ~) ]就和用中文写一次
3 T$ y, x, [: z9 I阿,我爱你
0 @5 L* ^( m* o$ B; J6 T# l你让我心跳好快2 O- n7 G0 H9 Q8 [" Q4 {; p  y
你让我脸发热5 h# {4 Z  y$ p* Y  i$ R
我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ e/ v6 d0 P4 T4 I4 ~* {& QXXXXX- L  g6 {: l% p" m5 e+ ^% M
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 T) T4 u/ H6 o6 D% a$ S! t( j& l1 U, f! C9 }
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.7 K% t5 r2 g6 U& ?3 k: t! j
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-5-2 09:40 , Processed in 0.197354 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表