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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love) m3 f- _/ g' w

% O5 Q7 ^' r/ y; ~. T; QI fell in love with you 2 t7 D2 L8 ?; b
At the first week we met- W8 a! K5 L& D6 ]' I

; v9 x0 R3 V0 i  \. |You have charm, you have looks
0 |6 m4 ]" P0 O2 |9 x! Pwith full of pimples in face! `' `1 K7 o: b: q7 z! Y: H; K
As spotting sky at a summer night+ _4 _% i. @% z
They are shining stars
4 p: u2 v+ B2 l% e' X0 g
- L7 o3 {- f" R6 GYour lip is so big
# T% f. ~; Q, C( ~$ SAnd that’s good for a kiss
6 l  A; f& b. _/ T# h5 o* V1 hYour body is chubby
/ `3 d# D+ P8 q- R! eAnd that is good for sex' W! L$ T/ k7 m4 R3 E# R$ K
1 ~2 O% z( W5 V) o
I was deeply in love+ }5 Y# u& x2 W( ^  U, C. B
Everything from you is positive8 V& z( b# v; H
You blame me everything and everyday
8 @% c( E2 D& }' |! d9 W8 r- p1 \And I think all girls sound like1 P8 E2 n2 H! ]( ^/ K  X( X0 k6 w% v

( s+ }4 z3 z$ R4 v$ SYou could not stand my eating  S' X0 [3 f9 Y( b
Saying no good for making funny sound2 q: v9 m  e; N' ~
I think you are perfectly right
7 i& N- I/ C1 Y) @- H8 HEating with sound is a pig, O1 {7 g0 n, m

8 o* V# ~( k9 `/ P( S# cI fell in love with you
4 q* S# N3 H$ H2 k  p  L  fBecome a fool to think) ^4 j# V" ?8 A5 J0 D# _+ C, ]: w
All trouble things you did6 ^. }6 _% d  ~& ?3 R' t2 [) m6 T
And that is the price for love# P* s) |0 A5 U8 P( W

* s- }& U6 c+ [2 ]you are deeply in love2 T; l, ]* Q* j4 i
Everything from me is negative
+ n4 ~0 ^# T- E# T; x% `"My man should be like this,
) q; x9 }$ R( E- d2 X% O. q. R, ~' Q% Hand I am helping you to improve'# p! m, _( F  u: w9 @
2 |" D. t  S- }3 ^# W
You are loving me
4 Z4 }# a3 ?) [! P  t- [0 Vor that one in your mind?
( `2 M, z% y, Y. x& \" X% P( e0 DMy mind is like a mud
0 U8 L- ~$ K% H5 ?2 O! Wcan be shaped whatever you want% v! O8 T+ G5 B  Z6 I  M: U) \* W
4 y5 y( z' j  t0 x- ]1 I
unfortunalety not my heart
* k4 t# E. x5 {It is slashed by you
* H4 a  i4 d, F6 a- [: `and I am seriously hurt
% O/ z& w2 B# }" E! t4 X1 y+ c* S# W" T& R. q- V3 G
I will never love another ! y( x, J6 Z1 ^8 b
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
! m" m0 v5 t2 Jmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
4 b: |+ m# B: y% l% D# q8 Q( U
2 x& d# k& t% S! W8 [6 @6 R; W* q- R& \
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
9 y! H0 L& `, k% X% D6 |不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, - c+ `! o! d4 }0 O( W  l' m
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
# U, ]: b& R$ k0 W. p7 |And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
+ ]2 P" h0 s& y2 o6 \; @! U. V8 q0 |! k; f' N; E
with the charm,* t: N; A4 o8 W/ c" L
with the simles.& f9 d* m: r# s, y8 _& e4 ^( k
I fell in love with you
1 ?0 {5 N: G- H: @; MIn the first sign.& K! Y4 G+ f* k3 @
As spotting sky at a summer
% g- f6 c) i7 {
3 {' Y4 m' P, I: }Your lip is so soft
3 i8 S4 h2 V$ {& ^: l& C3 k7 X$ athere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
3 F* ?* l5 Q# t4 h' d, W. KYour body is so sexy
( w1 f6 z/ H6 }/ c5 {. EAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.1 q8 y+ z; {/ f, t. J/ V8 e' |

/ |! A' q, g" C6 `: E- h/ zI am deeply in love* `5 `: `1 v! S! x7 V
Everything from you is so charming- b6 L4 ?7 j1 n  ?& k6 H$ r
although You r so picky for me 3 ^) S: y% _, x! j* B: R) V
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
2 P+ d' p- ~. f. C# k1 JBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem$ x2 z3 w- M: }
1 j3 J" J6 ?* Z
5 p1 Q6 X* A' X+ L. F8 v9 Y
His hello is the end of her endings
4 _: l* ]! L  l$ AHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' V! x& \6 [" }, K6 XHis hand would be hers to hold forever
3 X' \6 T( t, v& B7 i( sHis forever is simply as her smile " N0 ]) k5 z! K" E1 |4 I
He said she was what was missing0 J. g+ n! e6 i7 I
She said instantly she knew
+ n/ ?7 P, X. [# B0 CShe was a question to be answered4 {3 c2 v+ q5 j' l6 [2 ]4 s' g
And his answer is # A' y$ z1 Q* h" a0 m& k
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas. U" d7 p& ~' T0 T' v% `
9 M- n& _5 m; Y! Q6 R" U, _
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
9 R$ ^1 I7 s! s% H' A5 z( J  V) ?0 ^5 K9 w& S/ X' d+ G
It's amazing how I felt
- X6 e! t& Q- ewhen I was with you
6 G* O* ]& y! A/ k' `% \My heart beat so fast
; @$ {/ _  K2 h4 e) GI looked at you and thought
1 `2 W! C- `% Y3 @/ {3 f  |# OHoly Jesus, you were so cute3 N5 e3 ~% T: b3 Z1 X/ h: u! E8 ]
# z. J: p2 A! }0 E# M
You left me without a word6 Q7 F% R  j. R
I have nothing except my emptiness
5 H3 _! A! z6 U+ cMy mood is like a cloud
% ]3 B! I" x" k0 \7 Z$ |. i& GHow could it be dispersed?  U; q4 F( d& F( w- n. y
: P4 G, k# x/ c+ i3 J
Feelings bite my heart
; {( a0 I9 R8 I+ tYou are the right one I wait( @% B9 }4 h, x
In the depth of my soul
! Q* K# ^* p$ o+ o: TI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
& W, E9 e2 J% q( s0 ?/ I3 |) S5 x你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道4 V3 [0 Y' b  ~2 k* `) @- S
就和用中文写一次
6 x5 _. }) b5 J! V阿,我爱你
7 c/ ?& g  g# ?1 K你让我心跳好快
. y0 ^. K' ?1 q7 ^8 s/ [- C你让我脸发热
: P7 c# ]% `$ @9 n: }我爱上你的大嘴唇9 m* r5 L4 k3 h* e9 V
XXXXX# D9 s4 ~% H' A$ j2 P, n7 Z
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?: P8 t1 U# [2 m0 |

3 r  K# P4 |6 U6 q如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
  P' D0 g$ T8 |- l& p8 \# E至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 & ~/ F5 z3 c, ?8 W1 ^; _: _
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
* K' D- ?6 J# C+ J" e+ J你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道$ t: q9 V8 v# u6 d: s9 c
就和用中文写一次
3 K" e& u0 X' c# `) ^阿,我爱你
6 Z) B6 m3 H" [2 \% A* P2 k你让我心跳好快
+ Y" }' l) g; S: b$ X4 b2 H2 V" D你让我脸发热" L' n6 [9 N2 Z3 H
我爱上你的大嘴唇6 d! x+ [/ L: C$ b7 Z& @
XXXXX
" J1 o# w' R# F* l3 _; P3 l9 s不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
- p: O! ~# L8 u; F9 d- |
2 ^: j' p3 @  Z
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca., ?% N# j5 S$ ?" w( a" ?( U4 `
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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