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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love! E; e# v0 v8 i  H' R
6 D( E8 L, Z' `
I fell in love with you
  _  a- `+ P" `- M4 Y; T- iAt the first week we met1 F7 b* i3 J9 W' b/ P# |& Z

& I2 @% o$ ?( [) c2 oYou have charm, you have looks8 k9 ^9 x6 X  ?+ ~, {
with full of pimples in face& s- Y8 [% g: E( i
As spotting sky at a summer night$ w& }# `& [+ ?* o2 d
They are shining stars
/ L5 i; O" w3 T  I2 B4 P- z
+ c: p( B" ]1 ]" v, ~6 m7 \! ^" _' OYour lip is so big: Y* o; ^# Q& G  _$ u- w
And that’s good for a kiss' L) C# I/ R' m
Your body is chubby
$ Z- \1 r- Q- i! J/ TAnd that is good for sex. w- l. ?+ N8 c# Y2 a& s

" ^" W( u6 b6 [% U1 RI was deeply in love1 W# |9 H  h; V
Everything from you is positive9 s5 a8 t) k0 @6 W- h. a
You blame me everything and everyday
, I  J- b) `1 p0 pAnd I think all girls sound like
/ _. V2 j4 |5 X% L/ \0 ?
5 H: T9 R8 |. J1 MYou could not stand my eating- i; Q$ m. A/ A
Saying no good for making funny sound+ y( O: R+ L: j
I think you are perfectly right3 h% ?8 D0 B% n6 {6 d
Eating with sound is a pig
  Q. m/ g0 U* {+ M
% Q# k! |$ w1 f5 {* I1 T9 HI fell in love with you * }$ ?# Q% F( H( x5 @2 d
Become a fool to think
. w8 d  }- d/ [2 pAll trouble things you did
& V4 j6 S) m. r  X$ Z5 E' n' S% sAnd that is the price for love
9 G+ l( y- k" U2 [4 \) {( W
: B) P! T0 H8 d6 f8 A6 pyou are deeply in love; N0 ^+ ]% d) E/ Z
Everything from me is negative
2 F2 _( U# N5 `. n+ \1 @1 O"My man should be like this,5 e0 o+ C& l. B4 C, Q5 w- `. a: f
and I am helping you to improve'7 w. b; e3 M" A* h5 ~/ _: `

: A# h4 z& r& D. X2 h# JYou are loving me . Q% y$ o8 i) K0 V, W4 _
or that one in your mind?/ A$ h- i5 u" w' }+ e7 g
My mind is like a mud$ q& o: o# O1 j1 I
can be shaped whatever you want
, u) P, b) a; _: y
) \! H+ l# \, [' O: Aunfortunalety not my heart! t+ q0 m5 X5 ^# d4 ~8 |+ d4 Y% D
It is slashed by you
2 u$ p# T4 a+ l: f- q4 rand I am seriously hurt/ f3 f  |7 U) g
  k( W8 d# h% |  P7 i) x) f
I will never love another
: z* L5 {1 j! h( Y5 |8 s; ZIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
. B7 t9 g8 F6 r1 Zmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
: \/ b+ D; g# p

, p0 e6 v" u! }咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
) n0 `) u9 H' j, w% E/ @0 J不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
. \$ u9 q& K/ N# q9 Ui am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
# B! i6 J' ?3 d  B) |: C0 RAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed. r7 Z5 W- g) F  p! W# O4 [
& A" U1 X* Z5 t
with the charm,, o3 Y) M7 I' n) q" m
with the simles.
% M# t* e/ K- XI fell in love with you   o. j( ?9 e4 ^  V$ p4 @& b: ]
In the first sign.
' ]2 S: k8 O; ~8 @4 b+ }8 fAs spotting sky at a summer
' I' L, @* @, U: F
, p  \& l# E) W9 R7 G# fYour lip is so soft ' q& k) N8 ^* j  N; D% v
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
9 r% O8 Z) t0 X5 RYour body is so sexy7 H( I1 ]  ~+ W
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
7 j0 w7 ^) e7 {9 T# X+ ]# P: y
4 [7 H; ~* L2 a3 OI am deeply in love
5 i2 o! a8 S5 ?$ H& g5 G+ [Everything from you is so charming
3 a" U- K8 i" y) ^2 Y' u. C4 ialthough You r so picky for me ; N" }8 q% [5 O. d
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
; U' H( C9 T% B# n8 T% t' YBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
- T! ?) h" |; t% Q- x8 a7 `9 y
7 R8 {! n1 J$ j7 Y! z9 s0 h
; {  n7 Q& `, _  x' U  w+ @* b: \His hello is the end of her endings* ^: Y$ \' k5 R# S: ]9 q
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle/ N8 Y2 h0 {7 y$ I8 ^! ~
His hand would be hers to hold forever
! h, _9 f& W* X' {His forever is simply as her smile
  W/ H8 s/ K+ C; X5 lHe said she was what was missing
. ~0 v/ o) g3 Q9 o$ p' g% E( LShe said instantly she knew! _* j- k  d& X
She was a question to be answered" x6 d3 ~9 Q  W( e/ k
And his answer is 5 K- U1 k* a/ h9 w6 l
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas( P8 S' C  a$ H% ~. @  N& l- U

9 q2 C* F$ _4 \( g/ ~# P0 p# tBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
/ u7 v2 n3 `! D1 [  Z1 [9 r
/ o/ [- ]; f2 [' @* a  wIt's amazing how I felt
1 A: A- I, q1 l9 w- s: v4 twhen I was with you9 p8 C/ x4 S4 {: `7 q6 B/ b
My heart beat so fast
# r  [5 Z- d& D0 TI looked at you and thought7 U' {3 s3 `; Q& L2 ^
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
4 _6 t! h  r1 L) T
' {+ c+ g) c0 M( dYou left me without a word
$ F" @- R. {( f7 D6 T% m: }1 EI have nothing except my emptiness
3 U7 N; D: `1 j/ L% ^. wMy mood is like a cloud
8 D, _% ?  g  m# k# DHow could it be dispersed?
1 p6 p" i) f% d: W# {! k0 F1 |) i: b
Feelings bite my heart + z- t" ?1 z; e& f! q2 _( }5 F
You are the right one I wait5 n. d4 s. H' f( N8 E
In the depth of my soul2 d# S' d% T2 g( w$ t: p
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" U; _, I1 u; S  _$ d  T; ]8 ~你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 v: Q4 |" Q" U4 t就和用中文写一次3 A# [6 |" |- P: z
阿,我爱你7 @2 Y9 [$ P$ z; p7 u- m
你让我心跳好快
8 {$ e) |  e8 f  N  y4 ^你让我脸发热
8 U& t+ C! ^& V我爱上你的大嘴唇7 s' a! Y2 l, V% X+ @; g
XXXXX
8 A4 l' c! O+ x* @不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
( J" W; l$ |8 l& z, n- W' l- x; V) v9 V! D1 P6 h
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER" s& S+ z, e4 J; N
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 : l' b$ }! q2 N/ A3 J1 W% x! P
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ |$ N) ^) H: Z) ?# A4 p4 i你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
9 ^- q3 N9 A1 W就和用中文写一次
9 s% c) V: m6 |7 r阿,我爱你+ j9 n% G0 Z) f4 V; C9 l$ C4 u: V* c
你让我心跳好快+ M* F$ D# g1 _3 s: B) s1 O
你让我脸发热
  M( L9 @2 q" T我爱上你的大嘴唇
- k  E$ [* S; a4 o4 FXXXXX
0 ]& w6 r# v/ {. x& [" L0 T" l不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

% G5 `  t6 B5 Q& L6 A( g" l
0 M6 l% I: p: s( N' S+ |5 I" Z  v* P靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
1 n! ^' j- @; _# W
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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