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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
: h' m$ Z. \5 s# z$ Q$ `# |) w
" s2 P, C0 X5 {# M$ U3 cI fell in love with you
+ _; U* a5 t; x4 F, u' m2 ~At the first week we met
7 l# x: ~8 K& h3 b1 A
, c& E5 P" r) z* I* z5 \& EYou have charm, you have looks
) s- I3 b5 u" Q! _, ewith full of pimples in face
' o+ G# R# D# M3 j+ X1 sAs spotting sky at a summer night
1 z) Q! p- w; D# C3 zThey are shining stars0 h1 R4 h6 L, }, G; k0 X! `

$ Q) I# J( {- a5 {, Q  JYour lip is so big
" w& d6 W; W4 \& AAnd that’s good for a kiss; T- D3 \5 E; P" ~+ o
Your body is chubby
* u# H- n  w$ h* o) ]  RAnd that is good for sex( {( }' t0 ^, X* ~% [, H2 k- h
# g; N) s1 z8 b8 i
I was deeply in love1 P( F2 h$ b( x* z2 ^7 h5 f* k
Everything from you is positive
+ H" N5 s9 D  qYou blame me everything and everyday/ E5 H) w2 N3 z; H9 Z  u
And I think all girls sound like
/ U# I+ w9 b! S* r
; |" Q6 q$ V  F  ^# L9 `2 _You could not stand my eating
& Q1 L5 M2 a) O; L* A# fSaying no good for making funny sound
7 h! ]% d8 U3 qI think you are perfectly right# `$ H7 b* w% @
Eating with sound is a pig2 F. K5 Q7 i0 b) ?+ Z
& x6 e( f" s8 q, t
I fell in love with you
4 W- O, Z7 ~( I* F$ Z# ?Become a fool to think
* O* A- o3 A& N* A- IAll trouble things you did1 K7 ~. _' \" S: b
And that is the price for love
: L: a5 B& i" g9 V, m9 T2 j0 Z. W" o  A# e
you are deeply in love
5 Q; x, m; Y9 o* EEverything from me is negative
. G1 r) y* y, o( a"My man should be like this,! U$ Z7 k8 T3 a+ U
and I am helping you to improve'  U, x+ L; i; p" r9 O; R: G
2 Y! q9 e9 d1 F) _. l* z
You are loving me
# T  a7 n& b  {7 Gor that one in your mind?2 l0 a! [! t, [- F' T6 f8 q) D. I
My mind is like a mud8 V& U, b4 ^8 x6 ?
can be shaped whatever you want  @/ \0 H! i9 h) I( Y: i$ j. C# A
* h5 A  D/ Z7 n3 c
unfortunalety not my heart
8 L, u. s+ n# DIt is slashed by you
9 u( m! L" j6 L7 Kand I am seriously hurt8 i/ v' Q1 t  P, Q6 @
) A/ A* s. j, b' P; ~
I will never love another
) s$ u4 S3 w2 iIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
大型搬家
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 6 G2 y; ]- K# y$ B4 L
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

$ j6 c. V; c' ?$ m1 ^' \0 m5 C1 }: i9 f! s
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!* S/ P7 K; N9 R/ s- ^- M! |
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, ( k! s8 v1 ?3 @$ s0 E* ~1 @5 T( n
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 O! \$ a- W  q) s! ?! _& r; Y1 sAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 l' c0 W) u1 @5 \1 q* n: p# y* c
' m$ O, z6 d# b6 W; f$ d  owith the charm,
) J1 S3 w( R& g7 |: X6 d# Fwith the simles.
% w$ @* J+ f# ?7 lI fell in love with you . ?* x% V2 |% T+ Z7 U8 t
In the first sign.
4 ]. u( v* R. u, FAs spotting sky at a summer ' m( ~. b; q' l$ i! Y; H& N0 `0 Q
& ]" A5 W! G* z. T" G) i7 a
Your lip is so soft + X9 z- S( C8 n" k/ B" \( Q3 D
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss) f; I, }- B( p) N1 Z/ q
Your body is so sexy7 x  Y' m# a1 l: [7 o" y
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u." K2 s- R% Y$ S$ u/ ^  @' H4 w9 i

2 D/ ~3 N4 s  CI am deeply in love
! g4 u, z, H& g: ?, _/ K. jEverything from you is so charming
6 I9 B( F. g0 D  x) h' I1 @5 Q0 jalthough You r so picky for me % |, r1 c1 s! X$ T+ W& S0 ]
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
* F/ A; g4 V" [# `$ d) T; xBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
, \: ^" o! }& E( d. I) x9 M, d- t, A1 g5 r" _3 m) k: X
/ C: H3 Z7 X0 y6 y
His hello is the end of her endings
( {, z3 t: m. |. I) d" }+ iHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
& i, b  X1 d6 RHis hand would be hers to hold forever; @( U, w7 y; X( X
His forever is simply as her smile ; }/ `" [3 D: H8 x  T! f- ]9 v8 w, l
He said she was what was missing
- `; I, j4 q: ?4 qShe said instantly she knew
/ n/ n0 R) ~* K8 d$ o$ F0 YShe was a question to be answered
8 i" {' _3 J2 o* _/ X/ }And his answer is
+ @3 M, b; P# Y" u" iI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas) h1 D7 _' s/ q' _
& M( e9 N' z( L" a) {3 k, i& G8 r
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt# b$ e, @3 e5 N. o3 V/ n3 h# p& V
) I; h* Q& R& @3 i; V2 G) T1 z
It's amazing how I felt
4 `% A2 C, y9 m" X6 T7 L2 H$ Owhen I was with you/ p5 K. f. W% V& r
My heart beat so fast
- g1 H/ K. }, K7 QI looked at you and thought. M  U; Q/ Q4 Q8 u
Holy Jesus, you were so cute7 V0 }; D& d( o0 D7 `
3 B' z/ k5 d1 l6 Y2 n8 _% h
You left me without a word
9 g/ v8 f$ y1 C7 ?2 k3 [8 ~; DI have nothing except my emptiness, T" z" W& O) G
My mood is like a cloud
, H( v- K; C8 Z+ X% g6 N' l. J5 s3 hHow could it be dispersed?0 B2 R; x( S9 V) X# G5 o# i! |! Y

! V' y/ p! K' j0 d( _( D$ E3 lFeelings bite my heart
* @$ x  M$ x7 |! O- R% `You are the right one I wait
) J, Y- D0 q; w3 @' k* {8 ~In the depth of my soul
, ]2 e$ N. e9 P$ q$ rI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. n% c: `5 y0 b9 l# r/ X, d0 t你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道9 Z" C1 [; j: o& ?: m
就和用中文写一次$ S5 j6 g: S5 Z5 l2 S9 l) h& d  \/ F
阿,我爱你
7 f; o. [6 h4 ?/ v1 [你让我心跳好快
" G8 Y1 Z0 O0 J& x你让我脸发热
  X! n8 L6 q4 y" [& u我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 @8 B+ X* @& |XXXXX5 s9 @1 a4 f9 p
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
" Q$ Q) g5 Y  l: u( G# J
3 J" W6 P" j% z7 _$ s) ?7 n如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER" q, c+ w( \8 N+ W$ X8 X7 Q& ^1 Y
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
2 y6 X. S  I' K8 |闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. A6 n8 q% C- w6 @+ ?6 m4 a1 f你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道' g0 ]+ d3 q* ^2 l" c4 q
就和用中文写一次; i% v6 t* f& r/ N  h5 f
阿,我爱你8 q7 Z; ]3 z+ G( s" }# \
你让我心跳好快
  w0 d' [/ A7 K6 F- C" M; V你让我脸发热
9 d7 @5 ?, l+ \+ @/ Y& C# G) f我爱上你的大嘴唇
- Z; D# o; o' t& r! D( dXXXXX
; V* A8 F- b0 [) O! {不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
; I3 j3 I* v) o  L3 g' n, s

4 y+ J  _% v9 x靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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