我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
8 d( J, n3 q' v! U$ L% tAt the first week we met

( R; E: h7 J; n. D! T% mYou have charm, you have looks
3 I2 T/ t3 c$ S( G2 j1 C4 V2 f6 uwith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
, N6 e* @, [3 t
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
8 I4 F, [) }+ ?4 T1 O  D: |2 EYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
3 s% P; S- a2 z% N; J  P5 _, T% vYou blame me everything and everyday
4 v# f4 I% Y0 p) v$ e2 E* P5 iAnd I think all girls sound like
0 n& P( q' u) E# Q2 d/ U
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
! D( j- ^/ Z0 N
% W" X! J, ]9 G8 P8 ^1 ZI fell in love with you
# F" y: Y3 Y  B2 ~' ^& G1 g  KBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
& W+ P4 z: K7 j# ?/ g  W1 a( y; L
& [: I; }# m: H( A/ Hyou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
/ i: J, O- D7 B2 K' T1 P"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

' U) W* c1 }7 VYou are loving me
' L. v3 U8 i! h4 m/ Z! M' eor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
! V/ u  _# `$ k3 G% c3 rcan be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
1 u3 ]0 O/ ~2 b8 Q& y# h
I will never love another
4 L1 I, q: F; mIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

: T3 I  e. X# H1 L7 x( d5 @with the charm,
with the simles.
1 @7 H4 f) f% i1 w( `I fell in love with you
9 C9 H1 k7 O, I4 M& H3 VIn the first sign.
& W# {9 K3 f* U" V. \9 FAs spotting sky at a summer
7 P' S5 W# h, o* V/ O
# N! O  B# f  C' d3 n$ ^. JYour lip is so soft
4 D7 ~' I- l* x9 E% R" jthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
/ s1 E8 _* J# l" ^5 i/ L. v3 v( r- @Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
2 d( \2 |8 J+ k1 q( G
; g1 g6 X5 O4 ^  `" mI am deeply in love
% }# @5 `+ Y+ P: j: IEverything from you is so charming
+ e* d- E9 ]) w0 R, balthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

6 C) x) `2 h# P/ s9 k- i5 m  h
/ G- I7 ?4 i' ?; u$ `3 E5 o! THis hello is the end of her endings
/ B+ S- O+ m3 T+ R. ~: ~# M; e+ VHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
6 a2 ]1 l: U3 I: p# e+ M1 w5 k& NHis hand would be hers to hold forever
) y4 ?! t2 D" @. S( @; qHis forever is simply as her smile
5 ?9 R7 w; Y, r. CHe said she was what was missing
, J6 P! \: S  U9 CShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
; b* W8 S+ @4 p- D* @* eI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

, g" Y7 h$ P" I) H4 CBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
+ s8 M& `) E' N5 `2 U/ [; |- JI looked at you and thought
: p: a# `/ w* H& hHoly Jesus, you were so cute
+ D* }' }- _: B8 [8 W" B
) l1 p& s# x4 VYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
7 M: X+ G- t2 t5 B& IMy mood is like a cloud
6 |' u: e0 m' AHow could it be dispersed?

; Y7 r4 r" c, v* v  u0 oFeelings bite my heart
0 Q* a0 r1 d1 o7 f2 Y8 hYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
; x* _& H- `) }& r1 MI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
1 r6 u( B" j! a9 j你让我心跳好快
  }0 m& }# I/ v/ S; i2 V* Q你让我脸发热
' c4 k2 [8 H' u1 ^' n8 o/ u我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
) J1 }5 Z- E  t2 c' ~% G不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
. [1 U$ V5 Z5 r& z. `) I
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
3 F6 f; q7 B' D' ^4 C5 O: T闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
  ^" ^& f6 A3 N: s9 ^& G% |你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
1 M- V7 q1 l4 q% A就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
9 G& u3 D  X' }你让我心跳好快
( x# D2 a6 d1 H- O4 y你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
; c" C) [5 N% Y% iXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

- C# P5 \0 x& q$ W( E
7 G8 N7 B7 i/ u7 t9 n% O靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。