Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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' h: e, I  r$ K# e4 B4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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# i7 c5 k; E' p: ^  C9 X8 b5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

% B. j9 S$ j9 t  H+ `11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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+ P) F* X& K; Y3 A( j7 z2 x12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

, |0 R% g+ F  q9 T% `+ j13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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5 D9 E5 _: s1 a) a14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

+ h1 _3 `1 z# o: l4 p16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.