Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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4 \8 A( l/ l) g6 N: l+ C! {, S5 H1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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( b; c/ I8 H! l, R# k5 v+ p! R2 p2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

* r3 f& p( ?. W4 l4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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# h1 q! n( [7 y8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

/ M7 T* ~/ K/ p6 w" {  I' r10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

+ h& k- w8 O! X8 F" T6 C12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

; `+ ~6 \7 H% @( G0 h4 h* |9 x14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.