Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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1 e) \& f4 E$ \4 N5 m2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

; t* K0 D8 I; ]0 t, @$ x; g$ X' U5 g3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

$ O3 z6 u- X  b& H5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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5 Q$ \9 Z* H% V& {; J8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

2 \5 C# @$ d6 E+ p5 t7 ~) V3 {9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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( N' e7 c4 \; F, l0 @& Q13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

) K& s$ c& m8 s1 m8 Q7 [1 {" X' b) w15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

7 |1 ~3 D% v$ Y% o4 M16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.