Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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: ?6 j; p% R4 g8 Q0 O- l3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

+ P2 |8 w  g. N% Q: F4 f' t4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

' f4 E# g3 m" N* D. ~: S5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

$ h, O$ {4 ?; ~  z  M' o6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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! V/ {# m/ K' Q, r' S7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

& q; P' `4 Z6 C% A" q% M9 S; @10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

6 C1 R# ~! Y3 v/ ?. B; M$ G* E12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

  d& Z2 x' r: _14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.