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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
$ }' G, g' L! Q! y Jwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get* L, c1 m# ^0 o" o5 Q2 E4 f
into a regular workout routine.
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0 x8 N9 `2 H0 d6 c0 u$ t7 y$ SDear Diary:3 g3 n9 I/ j0 R) }% E }- O" `
6 T5 F# i w h* c* bFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a J. J. r+ y7 w- J5 _" D
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I/ S3 H4 o3 _1 W
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 253 P- Z+ W; y: [7 |2 n
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a* F1 Q0 d, T4 ]% E- X X3 U
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer" R$ }6 y n3 c/ b( u! i/ s
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics/ L8 w* N( D! f
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. d6 d1 D( }* w
7 ~6 ?! i# ^3 tMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club+ D0 j- `* \/ K3 u; d
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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$ @! u6 d$ {9 O4 cMONDAY:! C2 ~$ f5 S+ Y" Z4 Q
2 l2 W* v6 M& MStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well' m/ r* a4 B* u; T; ^
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for9 q1 d' x$ o) ]3 F, s
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
" y6 g0 b- j3 j8 Ceyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!8 N# v! h; E* E( K& n6 ?
. o# t1 h$ T! J. H) i- z. n; BShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed- n0 ^3 B! d* l5 H# I7 X
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
# @4 F- \$ @: y# B! x; Kin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
& t& G/ y% Q. Q1 c! twhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
: v" j2 M, M! e% ~( A; a8 E4 z0 V2 Q$ Malthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she7 E3 F, p; @9 q
was around.. B8 }5 C+ S w0 a6 N9 [! N
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!9 C* w: @; H- @- N5 |* B
9 m! e7 R4 T$ Z! X/ `/ r5 d* nTUESDAY:; ^* v v2 ?) ~& S: w5 h
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.: E& x0 i9 P( [ O: Z
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,' h) Z! M! ~! A4 W, ]2 T1 U
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
8 }/ m V$ d+ ctreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
" ]/ s9 o8 A- xall worthwhile.
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# s8 Y3 ~6 |0 \. G! {5 _# I* a) PI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
$ x% _1 S" b! w1 s( lThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
0 [/ G* o2 o0 F) i: r3 }/ vthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have" N1 W7 h+ Y3 y; v+ R' A
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
# e7 s# e' U( j% N, P3 ssteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
' W) g0 w/ X9 a3 Xbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
- z5 x; ?3 B/ t! u* i, Y# A! |early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
' k6 T% a& H& B; v! A' Ethat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so, ^6 T9 j" n+ O: a; J
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a+ B+ v0 |$ D' j/ k
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda7 a" z. \+ `" x, P% T
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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2 X" O# T& ^7 ~0 l$ z, oShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:& N# F& e v: s5 R/ |& V: I8 V; B
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as) `1 \7 V& E7 A0 X! a# M3 ~+ P
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
^7 w/ x# C, H. P/ y6 e' ~being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda+ ?1 r. J% \$ v1 Y9 O0 m |
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and% h4 {* X/ q+ n8 @
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
# C' b9 _# W7 Q1 V; N7 vmachine -- which I sank.) K# ~7 O4 G0 U4 X
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FRIDAY:
* ]! u4 ]+ D# X, @8 K% z% Y" {I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
0 z o: S1 m$ T& K9 t* u) }any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
6 O/ e( ~+ O' H+ E3 R! xanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I" C% h v1 f4 D; [6 v1 d" t
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda* w' X9 s% i0 f
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!. `. O3 m4 S7 e9 Y7 ^
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me# M# k8 C+ {7 \0 d8 W
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.# P* I; d% H. G) r8 N
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition R! m1 `. V+ H$ ?7 R( L) {
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
# E, s: B' P! {( L1 @or the choir director?, u9 R9 T0 y$ M6 P) R
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SATURDAY:
% ?2 h1 n# J" RBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,! M0 @. ~% k/ h c2 I
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
2 V: Q( R& u" N4 w; d, b' a+ c" M+ ~made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the( x. N( |) w( c" U h4 [
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight8 Z. Q1 x- o$ T; m# ]; B% l+ \
hours of the Weather Channel.
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B. L) o( E- k; ZSUNDAY:
+ {+ p* {; `) |# o7 JI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
8 F. E1 e3 j5 q$ _2 ?2 ]and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year," D% Z2 a1 m8 _9 R0 e
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like2 a% Z8 N9 y& k7 }8 n; n9 k3 j! s/ n
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
