WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
# n: u- D  y2 i1 U1 J4 V/ `am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
; g0 O4 s4 u; y( g% wnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
- L, P6 E* |: u" q. Z. [
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
: j* J; e- H( @7 Y2 e0 O  Lencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
5 ^; |4 ?0 Q) T1 _$ U+ E
( a7 P0 P4 i) f; X/ wMONDAY:

1 ]9 K7 y  [  V2 Y8 T, S- _- yStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
. O1 r% c9 f1 Cme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
, {1 @6 x$ j! l& [( @. Q$ D8 l/ ~eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
  \' E2 g( A# T9 T7 F5 m
3 Z2 q) ]4 C! x7 oShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
- {( ]/ _8 k  L6 s' L4 X. bthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
3 U( v/ i  y- r  f. h7 x4 min her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
# ?' ]0 m2 {; S7 z1 l2 halthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
/ ]" i) s+ J9 W; D
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

0 L1 V1 N( U" _- U/ GTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
3 @/ w3 S. ^5 M8 ^7 Q  etreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
# J# s/ l% r$ Q  F9 fall worthwhile.
# E9 ~7 c  J" i1 ~4 i, z# Y. P& L- y, i
# {$ r9 i- q& b; oI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
' v) ~7 n. q* P7 M. k2 UThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
- G# s% T3 r0 I$ l; J8 Isteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
* u3 s+ f2 a# B: Y" l* _bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
3 `% h4 V' C! z$ o. {Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
1 {5 m7 f" i7 O& n- ltold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
1 a! {, X& j9 Z  ?# WBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
) _. t, g: W5 V4 D9 K- gher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
3 @# j( [8 k7 o& C  Y4 i+ b0 Ehid in the men's room.
! B! H! j7 L; ~' T) A, e
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

4 u2 L5 `2 Q; v' s5 t$ _$ T0 rFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
( d- |5 @( o' O& S3 k. Vany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
* ]# J4 Y9 }2 y3 D9 F6 Z$ fanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
9 Z) _0 V5 m. }could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
5 u* V- r: W& ~) P, g9 zwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

8 o1 A" g5 S3 b( H8 }7 z4 DAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
! ~8 f3 ?% P' ?! R7 T, q- ^$ P- R) @
4 h6 D3 s/ n6 AThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
: o9 o5 Z* s4 ?+ |; r! Yor the choir director?

SATURDAY:
9 z( T& B9 x$ |0 n- S5 MBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
0 C2 V8 G  n* T8 ashrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
3 I3 ~1 b1 Y2 ]5 l& i: ]5 n* Nstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
2 g* U) V' X4 F% H( h8 ]' T8 nhours of the Weather Channel.
: q- [* |3 E8 T3 r1 j  g4 L3 e
0 e3 S5 `8 [+ A3 [& B* s7 uSUNDAY:
4 K) v* b" e6 y$ XI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
7 F7 W3 m4 _# p) q2 C# Land thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
# q3 \6 D" I0 d: u+ x; W/ F& ^# s8 F+ Sa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.