WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
% B+ ^" Y# k0 {" Y6 u5 I) Cweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
. j% A+ m" Z; u6 i& q4 Wyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
2 u  c. u* t0 f' ?$ a# ?% ztry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
4 K' v! h# G% E0 \
$ ~" B) N5 P& z% o% H* Q# X9 i- cMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
* r( n# L5 A% H- I$ Vencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
8 |5 ~( A0 f; |1 P. a* h
% K7 ]5 F, s% ~6 i* }' BMONDAY:
* A& p2 x- L& [
+ R1 S/ Z! y& {  `; K* F1 eStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
+ b' w$ j$ L2 f$ z/ ^! D% k. E8 _me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
( h# t# e; ?7 m: X% g( N7 `eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
4 x0 s2 i$ K! o/ [  w
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
& g" C  H7 ^( P8 ~9 J' Bin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
9 \6 \  y! ^1 y. Uwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
/ Q+ s9 {/ ~5 _2 T. r7 `* j% `although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
/ Z% C' a- K$ @  }7 Pwas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

7 f' m  x, V7 G2 HTUESDAY:
6 H4 u- v; D8 \% L% lI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
) M5 u8 H& Z! i% Otreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
  Z/ n7 _4 j6 Q. x
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
, D  `, X2 V) l' u  @- l
4 {" W- l3 C* T, I+ P" C1 |4 k/ |/ QWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
  T8 q( O' V) J; Y) B; n2 g6 z$ xa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
1 g( Z! l. o& F! v8 S# G  tbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
& [" j+ ^& h4 i0 b$ q
She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
% r* S0 g$ ~4 N) J- f, G& l  hBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
7 U# U" t  m0 Fbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
$ H9 g/ E. C5 zhid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
" A' a7 s$ o' Fany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
6 W, }' U1 |3 H2 A- Canemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
% i4 C$ i& q4 e; j; Ccould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
8 q) S4 N. q! u& @/ D4 `* Jwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
+ f# L: t6 y9 K) b$ T5 J  M
0 R$ F3 Y2 v$ W; y2 d7 g/ SAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
1 M9 D9 Y7 P" d  W4 q7 ^
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
+ A: U2 D/ k; Z9 h; Steacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
1 ^* a: f8 X. q. L8 k1 z. J
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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! D/ x! v' C& }: X( \% ]SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
; {3 O* I, l/ Gand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
/ U$ {9 K! B( Y0 `! m7 Aa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.