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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something" }! k7 A# x0 ]$ I/ {
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
- o% b! V" F& R1 _1 dinto a regular workout routine.
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, J0 H. J3 a3 _. `" U( jDear Diary:) g3 ]2 u& W8 ^+ z$ y
& t, x. T E1 UFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a7 ^2 I. G+ y7 G/ K) H
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I' Q% W9 s4 E( X7 |( l" M
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25# r/ Z4 p! N; V# `
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a \8 v7 {/ r, |7 j
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
0 j8 C1 w, t. D R, Knamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics/ y9 p. g, W; P2 f: q4 l
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.3 C# l' u& }' w8 p" t9 P, y. _8 w
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club7 {1 I" P4 c8 P0 |+ s8 T* q
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.1 o) Y2 l h& m8 z
; W, i, g9 v0 R, \5 g9 X) ^. `1 ~MONDAY:
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4 L1 D u$ b0 w* u1 A0 JStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
0 X; n8 I5 X# z( q2 T$ ?worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
/ H0 ~: u+ C/ ]1 n+ hme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
; k4 ~& V+ ~* U, k$ Teyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed& b' _" E4 Y: P9 H, u
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her- P5 R5 E; N# e% E) O9 r
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 P# T3 t# f+ gwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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( o+ x( ]3 f7 f/ wVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
- _! A2 T! ?4 V2 k' j3 @& K3 valthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
3 q, k- @7 O% X+ }2 jwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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D+ W: V+ `! g: J4 xTUESDAY:
& R$ P1 |+ N9 h4 z7 \* U- G/ T BI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
3 `& A2 j" l0 U0 C' eBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,# Q [7 `5 Q4 @+ q
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
$ C' a# j: ^* Y. ~% R( n( _3 Ntreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
" [/ _. E; P6 J* v/ jall worthwhile.- n/ ]# T. w& a
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.! X6 R2 ^( a6 t" O# S
/ F, s; G' M* U0 qWEDNESDAY:
/ @% s$ y8 W/ k; x) pThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
5 g: E/ D4 X+ J6 _% x9 M* cthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
, t( I$ `$ u6 B/ ?4 d8 ?& r3 ta hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
' ]' r. a& z1 ?( `8 N" w3 b3 n7 x& xsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
# m- ^) r1 I u- M* abothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for9 u, ^# F. H/ r$ m
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine. p, g( `6 G% F n
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
) {+ d( }4 ^, u _* C X* G5 SBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
$ D7 i4 b l0 E4 v8 q( \1 {machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda, B2 S9 K% F+ P4 \5 Y" U! ~
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.0 J8 V% J) g: g; Z" B( x9 m" b
7 ^% j5 p& E4 m/ D# h6 LShe said some other shit too.
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; h a: }, R0 o- L+ F5 [THURSDAY:
$ X3 Z' ^4 U6 b5 j+ d/ cBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
* C; R$ ]9 b0 b3 V0 `her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help; H1 K l4 m3 Q
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda, _4 ~3 A0 d. q. ?$ x) y! I
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and/ ^# ?8 ?$ e4 |( w
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing0 Y! {% ^0 E. U4 t% b2 l6 L5 E
machine -- which I sank.. C4 {% \# F9 o( o6 u
& @ J8 T2 @9 sFRIDAY:
; |7 c# P. D$ S& ^, iI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
% U" X) Q$ G1 W# ^5 @any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,+ t. Y" h+ l# ~0 q
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
6 \- ]6 o; M' l- Z3 g. H; R7 z" Jcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
# {. {4 N5 q, k2 c; a, s; @5 @# ywanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me* U1 ?/ U( ?9 C9 c) Y2 F
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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* j' {5 \5 s" t9 a* `1 @! TThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition+ D t; A: d y( H
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
4 |' J) n/ {2 c: I% x) {8 t4 _6 t3 zor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
5 H& k! u5 V) t/ w3 EBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
: l' |) r$ X7 e' t& Y9 z8 F8 ashrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her: X, @0 k! ~9 P7 V8 K" ]- c
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the6 E+ \) J. \0 b) t# `
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight: D2 s9 S0 @( O
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:' T$ O: L4 k* Y( z5 [8 Y# T
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
% u _- Z: g& C3 Band thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
1 r+ G9 V" a8 j, y! w! Nmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like* ]" b2 A" ?* P* M+ [5 B. e
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
