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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
. P+ @2 V" ?3 J" G( y `% y# M: qwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get6 Y; ^ ^. a5 Z( }7 B
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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4 a7 Z8 x, e$ X* p" }For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
' P+ o9 D; s2 Bweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I; N5 F! j3 L2 C6 X& b7 T
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 X) w! `0 h( p- G& A& T
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a% K; J8 R! L1 k: a; b( V9 ?
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer; I8 ]6 g+ v+ s# a) t: V
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics: ]2 T/ ?1 ]% o' R
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club0 g; a9 T# G: u* z B
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
) ?& L9 c2 L& S# J: I2 {; c! q) `worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
- R! E0 A8 {3 f) e/ [& J- ume. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
( X5 L1 K; O% z' f" jeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed5 n, |- m7 j* ?, J& ~4 L3 m; Y
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her1 t: u" D" i3 S+ J% q
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
9 }% c: I- i6 N: y! D, B9 D( ]1 P, qwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
8 |$ ~4 c5 }3 v" g: Lalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
) v; f5 U8 Z. F: X! Twas around.7 `) X2 i% _- Q5 J5 T( s, w
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!' {' w7 ` o! }, i
+ m4 D, c4 P' i- F" d9 u5 {$ RTUESDAY:
) c) i; w# \: \% q9 ?# qI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door." O3 d" v" C/ S2 c
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,8 T5 G' q, _4 _- h4 B
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
. `8 V4 a9 s! m% vtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it" n$ }6 G$ W" r3 M2 U( e* t T
all worthwhile.$ W4 k% T7 W5 e' I
1 V& T" c- d5 ^+ W: o' f8 ]) QI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.$ Z9 D' d6 |7 F$ d' ], e7 Y: q
- Y0 n3 R+ H9 A. f- nWEDNESDAY:+ l+ `3 e g7 X" i, g% X; v! I
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on6 n+ e- m3 {7 L$ c
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have4 x) Z" @: }2 \( D8 v
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to% `/ Y0 J' i6 p+ E+ H+ t9 I9 G0 O+ p
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams# y: p9 v. l# x, s) N5 S
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
1 H- ?: r/ d% ]9 Aearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine2 W! H4 p+ J% [7 \: e
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
# t3 E, a; K5 n3 {. ?Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
, r# F; ?8 C ?machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda8 d' s9 Z+ S8 ~. i" { S; F. k
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.6 t6 P% X( s; ~ @& e& N! q0 q, r
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She said some other shit too.
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' C1 m1 ^8 R. k5 `) m+ d5 N9 I9 VTHURSDAY:5 _# M# U4 a* z, h; d6 h
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
, V& W) K; k/ l7 i( k; _) y5 l/ Gher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
6 z4 ~ f& E2 N+ ]& \0 ]being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
* H% s, X0 Q9 Wtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
u3 v& b8 I" M# Chid in the men's room." U8 Z% ]' Z I' L/ ~
9 z3 m m$ |7 ^1 B% Z# P ^She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
1 o0 J# t2 s! {; k# J& e; i% ymachine -- which I sank.0 g: t$ Z6 I- M8 N0 n% O7 E3 O) m
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FRIDAY:3 K) f% l$ z1 W) Y( D
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated& [% ?, T; v/ j" j r9 {4 [/ i8 L
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,# v1 _; i K! T
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
; M4 |2 p, m, \( S, O) ?$ Q3 ycould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
' x* O7 ^% j5 p3 j b1 K1 \3 pwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!' j+ z! r9 h# Z3 o
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
4 O3 @5 W5 F. ~7 ^$ nthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition; D) s' Y# z2 \, B2 b& P% V
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
: U% j+ E! N( a" h& f7 g) k+ kor the choir director?
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( r5 a2 N0 b9 d1 Y& OSATURDAY:
$ y |" C+ E6 h5 b6 E7 b+ UBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,, g& I! X/ \ ~4 L0 ~0 e
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her6 k# z9 t' W0 {: D* @1 k$ f) S
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the/ R4 I; O+ H& K# u7 V
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight6 `, V( v% G9 B& S5 D' z' b5 Z
hours of the Weather Channel.: z2 v" Z8 e0 z8 z+ p
1 i+ Z$ G' h0 N3 e, eSUNDAY:
2 Z. S9 i! V! U, F3 D$ H% s zI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
+ M0 ~6 a& ~! `) {0 [ V4 ^9 B6 S9 gand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,& i7 V3 Z7 W3 s, l' \
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
1 Q1 i9 ]2 C5 B! i" B, |( Pa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
