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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
6 j# p" T, ]) h- g$ K3 a3 V; O) Iwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
; m7 n, J4 S7 z1 \% j5 kinto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:3 X9 P7 ~1 s( i/ l$ p* ^9 j
$ _& X( w/ U% d+ J7 }1 QFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a6 b: n0 N+ L& k4 J* }
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
F @. t; E6 q% ^" u# Wam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
$ f7 x' \$ F# h9 Q$ cyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a( y: O; `$ J& S# d) ^
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer4 c6 Y, X$ e4 l5 G8 ^! U# y
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics$ K) D: a/ I& \/ S8 o; L
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.. S' o1 R# p2 T4 U' z( u
3 b, {% F3 l/ c, n( AMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club; e8 p0 J' m& @7 h
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:# ^# x7 s9 K9 O. G0 o# w6 R
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well7 x1 b/ C- c- U! L+ \# e
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for! _) U1 q; v& a' ^
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing: O9 a7 F2 Y* Q- a. u
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
) ~3 e9 N$ N5 \8 J/ sthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
5 D, v. d7 G& Vin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
% e' b4 _# Q9 t7 M7 i& L3 S; H2 Jwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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. G; T8 T* s q( G6 P* J: O9 QVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,* n) |$ o+ [+ v/ ^7 p: |. h7 c
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
; }6 t/ w( @; P, _ X) {/ i; Gwas around.& b) P8 @# e' V! s
8 Y' }' V1 e8 ?/ KThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!6 z- @2 i, u# M7 ^5 {: A
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TUESDAY:; N. b4 L) D5 X, u
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.. K( c+ x" |6 l- A/ I& G( v
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,2 g% o; w! B& `
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the1 m, V1 x, H9 q" v4 z- u
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
7 [6 D0 {+ ] |; A8 }all worthwhile.$ \% E1 j" P2 g/ O% b9 Q
% i! q1 G4 ?5 l! d- MI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
r2 o* \* O: y ^, V9 Q- SThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
. F: d+ p" ~* p3 g5 J' v% b% `) ?the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have s( q* p' {* S4 r/ U
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
" L) Q, _) T- S% j; bsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams% a7 g$ A9 s( j% k
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for6 G' I6 y, F9 a: |$ p" W) W
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine2 S' r; I9 Q* x
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so4 s* n+ c/ Y2 \! j; T+ o! @
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a. ?0 z8 G& t# e f. @9 f3 u
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda; }7 ^/ A9 Z& z4 A: R
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.+ z$ n. S9 }/ b+ [6 r3 g
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She said some other shit too.2 S. p9 L/ V9 t% `9 l, h2 j3 R3 c
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THURSDAY:
' w9 o0 `' ?7 Y3 A) e6 IBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
4 _. y% E& q' W7 P0 t. }; x+ B" gher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help& ^$ W2 J E, ]# }; M
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
}; z- C* m2 X% \' @, ftook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and( E, p, Q) x P. a. L. X9 w* ~
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing& d( c/ C4 ~ i& V! B! I
machine -- which I sank.8 D: N1 h8 U( @0 z" l, Y+ ^# c+ b! F
" m& {3 c3 K$ x3 o' SFRIDAY:9 W8 G6 Z" S$ G! X) s8 |) C2 \
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated3 C, J. Z8 T% N# r+ q9 K+ m
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,& P" L7 N. t! n
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
4 A) M( \; L& t0 R1 ~0 qcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
/ h/ D8 W, @+ m9 q% qwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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" j m$ i" b. h5 W/ i4 WAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me$ z% ^9 E7 N ?# x
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition% l5 ^ K [# K" f5 a( |8 [
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
, ?' `4 Z/ T0 S3 _or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:6 x5 H" v2 o5 S0 P3 @
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,1 Y0 _- n9 a. g
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her7 F1 r+ q; K9 M+ m1 R
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the: m' f6 y2 H7 f9 x3 ?
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight5 m0 |$ R/ q) A- m
hours of the Weather Channel.! P9 j3 g7 X$ Q( J* n% E3 u9 ^" p
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SUNDAY:
% S0 k, X9 q4 m6 A5 E/ EI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
( i) z/ W- g5 Xand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, E0 _/ {- O r# o% T6 \; W
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
9 W, f$ }7 I8 ua root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
