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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something0 Q3 T' q4 q' @7 g: [: @/ N
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
( y* e5 d0 s( u" }/ P: dinto a regular workout routine.5 _# x# O6 j4 r2 Z) h9 A/ \
6 Q7 b3 C) ^9 V# MDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
6 W8 B- J! i bweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
- C& i7 m. z9 f& `; G; \am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
6 p$ v# z2 ` f4 I3 b# pyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a# I' w0 D* y' }8 v- m
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
" [# _! b! @: ^$ @- A; Anamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics+ L! L. {. I# z8 o
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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( A0 f. W' v2 {: |My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
* L8 ?4 G! m0 C+ R4 ~# Mencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.1 P2 Z4 q/ m& R
% c8 b0 E4 g9 aMONDAY:7 E8 x' H( L. k, ] a& D- b
4 S/ K# B( Q5 d1 b$ tStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
6 S& j3 b) K' l2 m0 o) Sworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for5 A" R) j' L- n: ?
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing/ A& W7 ]* m9 X- m0 F0 ~
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!; ~. U; F* t' ~, i/ }; z3 P0 z
$ m* X8 W8 U/ E* A' cShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
& h/ x3 M! [0 O+ sthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her- Y. a3 ~3 S4 }( k
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in0 u8 h9 A( H$ ]
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.9 T3 F' N) |0 b
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,* A' i" e5 m: t0 r5 B, Z
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
* ]+ j5 r7 X3 Cwas around.4 B# s, A# n/ s9 A8 A- L# ?
4 u$ {7 H" v: T9 _" v D0 }) @This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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2 [! `. c4 _" `# {8 O7 RTUESDAY:! {6 x) k" C: [/ m
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
, k- V( W( l$ ?! U: w' [- xBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,) ]" o4 h. s! u! T/ ^
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
; o: N2 K; [* X7 u. [# I xtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it" c5 }0 K+ j9 i6 i5 r1 D
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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( ]$ H/ l8 H" {/ S2 w' _) L3 ]WEDNESDAY:
' k" g" _5 ~& }/ L% x# q3 p( K3 R* XThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
8 b& D2 C. a8 e3 V% C6 wthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
* h- U, R z/ _9 }a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
: `) P# i' M# @# s! R% p+ o2 x! ?steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams7 w- F% e' O3 g5 J0 V
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for \( Q- J% }# S; L) C
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine, s. w i$ \" I9 P; {
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
* m! O$ `+ J* l0 wBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a2 ^+ q! d3 t4 n7 r. l9 f- k2 F- t
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda* M; f7 B% P( ^& N# _1 z: {. C% Y
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.- |% I4 m- ]( ]) u4 H! x
% H' M. t, a) p1 Z( pShe said some other shit too.
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/ x( Z5 w1 B6 t: Z# {4 _THURSDAY:
! A, s3 x6 k4 G, ?* yBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
7 _, ]6 B% w) ~* e, nher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help& O8 J2 K- E3 e8 \' J
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda( R$ {6 a0 ~, k+ e1 p8 s3 c* F2 X
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
7 X: `/ V1 M6 P4 Jhid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
& h7 u. Z: B% a4 N. imachine -- which I sank.
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5 Q% g1 f4 F& F+ z& J) \5 ^FRIDAY:6 d" I" w' ~# N* u
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated* I0 u2 \/ k9 \! T, F8 O2 s$ M
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,8 H t3 h2 m# X$ v
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
' h! k0 k+ ^+ j$ \) ^& n& L! ccould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda: h" {7 r. |4 a5 B0 g0 G; E3 d
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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! F: k3 p& J) B7 J" k6 A' DAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me* ]1 B' a) R& k' Z
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.# t4 b! N0 F- Y. _* i
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition* B. ?1 v7 V+ ?8 x, @0 d3 N- s
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
3 |; m6 H" N7 c; s; l5 mor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
5 Q, a: R- k) ?- o* FBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
2 t7 V$ [6 K+ l. L& t; Kshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her: ~" h5 m: T! C$ q# o; m
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the: q1 E' r9 J- s8 d7 L$ w" C
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
7 \/ w8 @4 c4 w2 O% U; I; b e9 Dhours of the Weather Channel.
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d; _8 Y3 L1 t2 LSUNDAY:
# O7 Y! Q" M6 cI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go+ d7 w/ s! x$ y; _0 e5 G
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,* O( o* Y' l' \/ \% c
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like+ x7 F9 t) T% A4 b ]
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
