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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
5 H( C8 |! i8 z' T,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
9 ]" @% `: l! k! P! b零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . / G4 J" m4 E" d/ g
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
3 ^4 e' n% {" r0 A3 x梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
7 x9 f! ?7 ^" }6 T眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something., g2 |$ x* x" I8 H$ i) Z' }
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night." y; P) O( b; Q" R2 M/ i7 y' R
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool." J; L6 Y0 F! Y" t4 j
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
4 h" }0 p! }! e. |9 e! d+ p+ w. F+ q# q, o我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
3 W' a. q: O5 R那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。0 a- \& V& M9 Z5 I8 F7 I! V% I
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.. h& x* N- d* V
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
" j8 n4 u& o6 E2 ?想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
- H, q1 D! z6 g$ u, z最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
/ N  o8 C: v( d寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?3 x& U: h' b4 m& A
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.3 g5 y& e0 Y  i0 ?% }3 C3 V/ x5 H
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
3 M. q, y# P+ w6 `: i最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
) X. d8 n! u3 k; P( E% w/ ?6 j多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?: n+ a) L, f0 ?6 l' |% `. h- c5 Y) p
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
& Z! @3 S% r# N7 A多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously. l4 M' F+ m$ O) C8 ~
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.0 y7 W& k4 d& f
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
, ^  T0 e) Q3 t6 _, J为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?4 \( K. A, K/ _$ s  M# j
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!5 e. h+ V6 H! l- _* ]
永难平息的泪
/ \' n( D, _' o4 f; l- u2 \每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes4 G( M. ]( g7 J0 ?. Q% P3 k
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.- j$ W0 C9 l) ], |' V4 R  e2 T
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.+ f' [/ s  ^" A
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,3 a" M3 n( m" r; y# s: f" Q
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
1 k7 u! B+ f  R! N% |一抹微笑;
2 D7 H: M9 w) l' Y一个手势;
8 j5 V' g, V% y( @, e% ~一片话语,! d+ i) _; w( w6 t% Y
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
/ v7 s! y* U2 B" i- _明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner1 z# Y# o9 f$ {6 ?* f4 o
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.6 O+ A( @" ^) P
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling0 g0 t. c, Z" P# C
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..+ W! d: V! K: F) R
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,/ j- r6 h; n( y6 ?; |
我并不以为然。  ^  Z6 ?( D4 V4 b0 y
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed $ u# ]" `" z2 e& @- x7 l) h5 f
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .$ J' q. [  x* g0 q  Y, _
被一种情绪所左右,& t3 T" e" w, q( n  |* ]
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
% j: z- e6 Z% m! _9 N即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you1 L' P8 t5 w* V1 d' J* y" P
也不问我是否喜欢你,
4 C! s4 _7 B2 u& ~1 b6 i4 e对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
  \5 K4 |. a0 k0 y& x只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
$ b$ ~# k5 J7 @. Y7 H* }5 I3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you$ _* B& M8 a: E; g2 ~3 D) R' d
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil1 O4 v; ~7 w2 t" V
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
0 d. q5 x6 g6 t8 ~, B* r/ |" q你的身影已化成一种氛围,
6 e* g: Y1 `* N; n记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.+ z) g" |# h$ K- V8 B6 \
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 1 W% G# y. {2 T2 l. k
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字' a& J3 \" N0 D. a% b; Z$ m6 ~
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
6 g9 j* o7 H% ~: W' F) w; ]$ g一种声音,and your voice: L; o  t# a. ]) e: c* |
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.# L1 ]9 W' u, D+ d
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
* `! p# n; w* B- I. m( a与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land) m6 m) c6 M2 t
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,9 p+ u: @' ^; T0 s" t
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.! Z2 i5 h3 {7 m
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
! d1 e5 C" w* S; b你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
3 g6 Q' W% d9 K. N9 a6 ^8 n* x有一个能够让思念的人,
. u0 H5 o8 F. D" d# Z# y其实也是一种幸福。5 r5 B" d; D3 g) }
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. $ X4 ~( h$ {: I
柔柔的海风,% L9 P' |& e$ X5 F
甜甜的夏天。
' F  y0 J+ [  i  ?一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
& E3 z9 w. f) o8 a只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.3 P. V/ o  H+ Q  d
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
" [1 r8 c3 ~2 R5 Y9 V想和你有共同的情结,
( R1 h& H+ F7 z共同的心愿。) \; {2 p2 |5 O4 T
% t' ^1 m1 j0 c6 |1 f# S

1 Z9 u+ ?5 V: S1 i好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you1 M, b" |9 ~+ i6 ^+ U: s% _
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together/ R. }4 a3 G2 u( w4 S: e6 j
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
( l! |! z) J: s% N: W或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.- H: m* H/ H$ Q1 k$ `4 o
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?5 P* g, `& j3 H
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
8 ?6 i' t: V% S3 a- \浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”( T( N9 g) [2 F) g) U8 M% q! z
或是轻轻的一吻,* k2 s; w! h4 R/ l7 A
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
3 p# [& G# I0 [3 F) c& i" `" |* k就足够了. That is enough.
, f# A9 Q- T* K+ m这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
; H& l: u0 D7 r( P终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
/ Q9 o% |  q$ m" U6 x6 [萌出了芽,
  F' T% L" f$ A$ B+ a; o6 @一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
# b$ `6 g0 k* [1 D0 @0 F5 U) X浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
0 C# B. ^7 F+ H8 f. y. w如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand) v' D( h( T8 n2 F4 o1 Y
能够牵著你的手,$ k! j. w' p/ U1 e
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
, h. A3 `, g/ ~! K  M  B6 T$ Z& F让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
6 _3 S. h2 R/ F% Z" ]; M$ p% O2 H8 H& [) V慢慢地细读,) j6 s! h+ D' }) I' r/ K
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
- O) J8 ]7 B) R& H1 e在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
3 Z3 ^$ k1 P1 Y- ~; ~我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
( l# l. Z* H( Z6 O+ x* S$ d就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:4 f- q. l! p/ g4 U: K. m
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago* F' [$ U9 D4 e- ~
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
- V+ \$ V- ?; E7 Q  V" k3 nchange to:lacked$ `! e! `# U- M( P& S
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
1 o8 E- ~  o- \4 p+ @& C0 LCats often played at the whole hot night.$ C6 m- L- o' p8 d) d( y! h
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及- e# ], A3 N( P. _! q
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.  e; p- q# z, R0 R4 c1 W
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 5 k; S* K" Y1 w2 d
该为:throughyour hands.( L' \: W) W+ |; S; T
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。( a0 b5 f& B" ~' ]- Q
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
! H( Z1 I# A1 c$ b至少比我强。
- h+ C2 }& z% T: m偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... + z1 w) `6 F7 V* ^, v
4 l  d0 _  i% f& `
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
' M1 z1 L& P# v; z: y* k& j后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.2 G6 y5 p; R! K  t
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.4 H1 D8 ~% X/ k5 T7 n$ h, W0 U
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
2 t" z1 V- z. K! k* [" {  C* QEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
$ a2 C* a! K# ]Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
% ~5 f* X. Z7 R+ |9 b" d- K Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.* S1 @( z$ ]: I$ @, `9 Q
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.) x9 G+ o5 D  X6 d2 s
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
7 G! I: Q; \1 {6 ~- A* jSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:3 a  o* v- [9 W2 M& _" w; z
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
- @: q: ]6 t. M8 B' v& b, jlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
! Q4 f3 m+ c- `# S$ H; gI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.) Q2 r: r) h+ t2 V! {
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
7 s& u* \8 q6 s. r3 _That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.% c8 D  |' q  k7 a% b( D
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.. T" D( B, u. _' a
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
! V3 M' q- p: L& C; M6 g: q9 qIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
3 h. d% a' h  Q: iIntoxicated then feel cold,
! _- v% v8 w6 o: m3 f5 Rthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.* J/ N9 l; _. {) Z/ C, L, `& R* z
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
- ?3 N4 t$ v: }9 ~* p% ?6 Z5 TThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
9 t# k; f  t  XWhy I am always hoodwinked!
% a) c+ W" x0 K2 K2 nI have told myself many times cautiously ; B- h2 z8 n; T+ m% U# D
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig., T: S% i, S$ k8 r( I4 j
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
' e: A- |1 [8 w/ Q; I& d( _Why can`t I take it easy?8 g% s5 {7 w3 b  C% D0 c
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!+ U7 e4 y3 m1 s! i; e
When the quiet night comes
. l( A! ?. e, |7 Kyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
* b& r: n# p3 c% ]; {The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.) |, V) Q- @- `# p- C
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
3 V; X9 Y" ^2 P" {7 R7 llight the dark corner in my mind.
! \# }5 I1 {6 lI feel a bit of cozy.
3 C/ a+ |* i. N8 w5 t- `; f# v  MThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
/ M3 V& f' S* A0 D' H2 y' nmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
3 _3 ]) O, f3 I. _& i+ S$ jI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,/ w; i8 z/ R4 B4 Z2 W
but accompanying with the time passed/ s5 E3 g- y! T* Z- t& p4 H
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
9 {) G& r* ?3 V( H1 Xalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
) u" W4 L3 p6 d6 O, tWithout asking if you like me or if I like you7 u- C  [% u- Y, |# E
only feel gracious for your existing,
6 B2 N$ S4 C& A+ j) M8 Z7 d) o$ lonlt want to do something for you.
$ ^4 {, \0 y6 {$ u& cEvery time when you meet me
: ~" }" h6 c( H& S$ x+ m% }7 |9 gthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,6 a' a; R7 |1 U
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
% d9 R. s, c* g& K" }; r# HThat live in my heart.
. k8 I# \8 ~: ?0 M* hDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
& s. X- h7 a4 r# q. Q5 tEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice+ N( v/ l. y; C) V: Z$ K9 }
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.9 n/ `2 E' f2 ~) l4 y* g9 c0 c
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land/ I3 I' a  M0 s3 b" c9 r8 B- K/ l
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
  w& i8 K8 L5 eDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,( m/ N, b: j) G8 K8 J
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.* z% m& G: b+ V6 }6 O" _
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy . X# ]+ a" X( r- i+ d2 p" R$ |
only waiting for you quietly, A2 r% i" y" A( v3 ~
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
- k8 ^3 I, b9 E% u+ cI really want to ramble in the small rain with you 0 @: G, |' F: ]2 y
and enjoy the rain washing together
2 h7 d" B4 [* f/ P% `# U1 h7 ]) n8 |or rush to a film1 B5 n' s" i- F4 G2 I# K% h3 U3 q
or listen to a music quietly.; r, Y6 A: c4 B3 \
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?8 Q: u* \. _9 z& d5 f
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,2 F% S8 K& a+ U! L: \$ j1 N5 A
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
) X3 k+ p, Z/ j0 t5 S0 O& U+ KThat is enough.
1 H* {& b6 |6 e: A0 HMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
) n# X; c0 y; lfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,1 I' P( W0 C. }9 x2 M; M" x# W' R
the same as my missing.
" n* R; @% `7 k5 N3 O5 d# d% lIt comes a little bit of verdure.
# e. @4 u# G' A4 }9 gIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
% ^; |2 ~+ P5 f) d( C! V, Lthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.8 Q8 w% x. O- ~5 B( h
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
4 s0 i& S1 ^9 ?0 \: l9 XI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul." {9 k% w, I9 t$ ]3 Y
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
! F. b- r# A4 Bthen I will have all care and ardor.* o# W  Q$ Q8 g  v+ O
Shall we walk arm in arm?2 X2 i2 ~8 ~" b1 U
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ Q2 b$ w6 q5 b
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.8 x: ~4 A7 r! n! P% q
I am still the same person of yesterday.
  F- S# A1 i& P7 z5 v1 \Unchanged name, unchanged I.
5 A* r8 R0 T3 q' ?) v9 BSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. 4 j1 T9 y1 |9 |
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
  _& y$ H6 K' p! k5 e) ^More or less,4 ~  T( w* e* K, g3 C6 ]% J2 R
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.$ V; S8 g; f1 g

6 v$ _0 l% I" a) hSummer easily slips away
# r5 X) Y) G3 v7 G% I# x1 FThose long lost hot nights1 ]$ I5 ^' O4 ?
can only be found in the old days. % E% [! K$ J1 X6 t6 _$ }

9 `# k6 N# Z/ J- ]$ d$ ?Cats jumping over the window sills,
: H' W, t- Y  n( I& Q; ?1 t- tchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 2 T0 Q8 }# l3 Q, t
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
4 w# c; S4 }! DLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
) K3 K8 J1 _2 t/ e; yI am still the same person of yesterday./ r# }7 M/ @* a2 Z
Unchanged name, unchange ...
( I8 m: {/ {$ I. O" G. C& e$ F( O
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
( l0 T- W5 S, B* lGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
& _2 d  w; Z1 ~Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.! j9 B+ w; S6 x4 i$ s8 Q& F7 g
I am still the same person of yesterday.% Y. d4 b) P$ T& ~% K8 u7 l  a
Unchanged name, unchange ...
. z$ M+ i2 n5 R! b8 S
i like it.
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