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Dress Code: ) \- F( e& s( Y" W& T
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. # e5 q$ y8 b% c7 j" |" J
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
+ r2 j* d( l, |6 U2 o0 Q3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. - t9 ~4 F3 P: h) f, w0 m; {
4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
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Sick Days:
$ @: w8 u8 d3 K* ^6 }' M( eWe will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. 2 B) [' V5 ~ e0 g
7 G) T% r b/ BPersonal Days:
6 h$ z+ `2 E/ FEach employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. / b& O8 `8 d, v& |3 x; J
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Bereavement Leave: % j! k7 Q* [6 r
1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. }! q/ w* z! X( p" _6 {9 l1 F% o8 Z
2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. ( i" Y D" Y: H! Q- ~ ]6 B
3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon. 6 l- D! E/ ]* {- v# @' f: ?
4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. 1 u {4 Q' g2 N# k5 u- j. O, Y% y- a
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Bathroom Breaks: 5 a7 M% I; Z7 ^9 T' [* ~, u
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. 4 O w( |# Y- y0 I% G
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
, `5 ?6 B8 j9 x( o d3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. 6 {) A4 {6 B. x9 b+ f
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. 5 B, p7 Y `1 Z6 _6 L# K6 b
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Lunch Break: * \7 g: ]7 ]- l# r+ M3 I
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
8 P; @+ t% d4 ]" r9 _2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. " ^: v4 j: F* N
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. 3 X" V* O# e: G. I/ o
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Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. & F% m% P2 W1 A
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The Management
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) b, t6 V y, t' L uPass this on to all who are employed. |
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