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Dress Code: : y+ B5 g) p" o+ @& L7 J
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
* q& e A/ ]5 v# f/ ^5 K2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
0 M/ y0 q) @/ r5 h" ^! {3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. ! C1 W: ~8 y% U2 G i2 M
4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
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Sick Days:
M8 I2 I0 ^7 E1 EWe will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
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\! E) r" Y, w3 cPersonal Days:
% z; k$ h8 H' ]Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. 7 t9 V2 R- [# e% U' i# J
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Bereavement Leave:
! s3 L! K! f+ h' M% G6 b2 G1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. # [& T% w9 Y7 D6 ~
2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. 9 N4 U( Y& i" k3 r
3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon.
; B* l8 V/ K$ I( V# ? s4 L3 G+ c( j1 h4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. 2 D. U D1 o7 ~. ^& G7 d" Z* M+ ?
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Bathroom Breaks: + i, a) @: a2 ~/ c& a
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. 4 d* i# Z: A+ j) U' Y% e
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. / O8 a) q/ ?9 s" z
3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
1 Z O9 h) x2 z4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. & X) o# Z' l9 b' p
. H7 T, {0 t( d' sLunch Break: 9 S3 g& T- v1 F
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
. m0 }& o: Q7 S* t/ Q$ r* X$ e% d4 B6 I2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. $ {/ _$ D+ |0 A4 t7 h4 G. Q2 F
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. $ F$ O; F5 a0 F8 ]+ L$ Z
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Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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The Management
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" X; u2 ?# q1 q) c. gPass this on to all who are employed. |
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