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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
! Q+ N  M" o" t. J. _  h3 f
7 P* M. Y& v) n' A* ~" J* U! a0 n" h" PI fell in love with you 4 Y! ]9 L. n, ?0 E& s
At the first week we met' T& ^6 I0 }* H& g$ l0 |* ]0 h: j

9 e  m$ U! {. V% S4 W! ]5 G3 vYou have charm, you have looks
, N- {2 Z4 z$ S$ ?2 Xwith full of pimples in face, V8 v% R  L5 c' g
As spotting sky at a summer night5 [! b' Y0 Z% p5 ]
They are shining stars
) _" L& E( [2 W+ }; l( H; Z2 o2 _  W! g; N- O3 y
Your lip is so big  Z, K" `: b4 f7 a7 W
And that’s good for a kiss- t4 B8 B* s/ x) }$ r2 j1 h# `
Your body is chubby
2 N  ?( X2 s8 K+ ?And that is good for sex6 B, ~" ?  Y% s
3 T1 F# m+ ~* C  |1 o6 r; U
I was deeply in love' s! l8 |: F) R/ V  V2 N, N3 y
Everything from you is positive) }! U" o& d1 K# y
You blame me everything and everyday
$ e) K+ i# O9 f& x$ Y% O: rAnd I think all girls sound like, w- E) A; p& m  O+ v
- s  s  q  u: u7 `
You could not stand my eating2 C' S/ u6 U6 b% M1 @+ A# N
Saying no good for making funny sound/ J; W/ Q" v, I
I think you are perfectly right
: C# u% X1 `( V4 p5 d7 dEating with sound is a pig
+ X. U' M* z: e- k" v9 k2 h: }  w
I fell in love with you 7 S. H0 B% F( q5 `' y0 U9 Y
Become a fool to think2 W  o$ o) @. X
All trouble things you did
7 Y, h9 _. |, x5 L% d- S( e* UAnd that is the price for love4 C" ^9 v) o, W5 H* d$ R: A- f
* {' z8 d& j" P0 }  f0 g$ w" Q
you are deeply in love3 I+ P/ m3 T* n* J6 {
Everything from me is negative
4 y4 s! b( H7 y' X"My man should be like this,
, v, B2 v9 T* G- y! Hand I am helping you to improve'. u5 f; s8 r; }# e' |
2 `, J; _7 Z* {( ~1 U, K  T
You are loving me 2 f$ s( T  o) N; t
or that one in your mind?+ p% c% c1 E; H" a% }# b& D6 A0 `
My mind is like a mud
. j* g- s1 W  u( \$ g& A3 gcan be shaped whatever you want  j6 v$ t0 [4 ]$ I, w1 C7 m

) x4 f5 Z6 q9 U2 nunfortunalety not my heart
( W/ u3 `" k- O8 O* g- ?It is slashed by you / y' [" m& G: X2 h/ D/ s& N
and I am seriously hurt
! J* G# D' c2 y, |! U: v' k7 f( G4 p0 {0 s/ {7 |0 r. H' o* e
I will never love another
1 f8 b6 Q9 Q& K* e1 |" _If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
( f6 w+ W! \1 U2 o& Y5 y# P0 @my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

- K6 j7 x$ k$ r! P7 K: P- O8 I* r0 `0 W2 }  z3 }
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!. O/ {% [$ q" E$ P2 T! @
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, ! C8 c# q% \/ B7 g4 O$ P
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
0 v3 ~7 i; b. M$ t: K6 aAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
: c. N# Q- E7 _6 L3 ^) V+ B4 o. D0 O" }
+ [; {4 ~* K% o& Lwith the charm,# ^- z! y. L# g
with the simles.
) i8 r  b8 B( [I fell in love with you & ^$ ^; R& A" l# E; v
In the first sign.
* {- }$ Z' b% Q) FAs spotting sky at a summer
6 z* ^: V' |6 V6 o* B) O* o/ b1 }5 ^" C) V, P
Your lip is so soft
% B: o9 B# ^; U; {  O( F9 s. bthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
$ J$ N5 w+ C! R: F- XYour body is so sexy& s+ t9 P, t; L4 c" i
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.  u( V' P8 F8 G% a0 i( `" K& z

; @* L. D& l9 I; II am deeply in love
' Q3 Z7 O* Y9 i) Q0 g) @  M. k/ }Everything from you is so charming
6 ]$ v' T. i$ t- s& V- `5 x5 Valthough You r so picky for me
- N) v& G" ]3 i( {And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.  o* h# G, Q/ X8 D8 R6 k4 l) f+ D3 U
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem8 n) b0 A) G. [0 v3 R$ |% P1 }
* i: P) E6 i* K! w& X  M

+ Y% S+ ~& x/ M8 k( Z7 k$ y' ~4 iHis hello is the end of her endings, r+ U  B' H: ?
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
* K$ U: L, o0 \3 CHis hand would be hers to hold forever
( w% g- \& G$ d" G/ n9 ?5 I, T& MHis forever is simply as her smile ; d7 e5 [& U) D% R5 O! T0 Z
He said she was what was missing
4 q8 x3 G, `" \1 C- BShe said instantly she knew
! A6 }% `1 s) |She was a question to be answered
9 F% S! ~" {9 v5 h  {& {5 QAnd his answer is
% Z* ?/ @# W. N3 ^" x0 ZI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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% p7 b# B3 Z, z$ m# d) ]Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
& W3 W2 A/ P+ v
# t; g) X  t0 n! E( zIt's amazing how I felt
1 ]. Y- D$ E) q% r) Mwhen I was with you+ k, C7 u% m* ~4 g3 p' R8 Y- E( c
My heart beat so fast
5 M( }) l1 m% K4 z0 lI looked at you and thought
' i) `; ]- N- f1 k8 {' jHoly Jesus, you were so cute; c- B: Q9 b/ h' X5 m, R1 L

9 @& V7 t; `/ w7 q  bYou left me without a word
; {& k/ l8 ^$ e+ W8 ?8 Q; i1 jI have nothing except my emptiness; I3 q. x# Z- k- f1 K, J
My mood is like a cloud
8 C' Z( I( `. ?4 iHow could it be dispersed?( y: f' g8 N9 e* k/ L0 v6 d
( P4 _! O. q7 n
Feelings bite my heart
+ o/ L  v1 o  \You are the right one I wait) X0 z& g2 F+ d4 L% u! F, `  g, g
In the depth of my soul
. e9 B1 n, K: k: ]. DI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
! I2 ?5 O) ~0 @0 S( A你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
1 j9 F$ A: Y( N! e就和用中文写一次# I5 E( G8 C5 A' {/ t
阿,我爱你
( g2 \4 L9 t5 M# a( q  Q4 Q8 D+ @你让我心跳好快( m, Z/ w5 R; X+ Q! @& _
你让我脸发热
4 G" H& [0 I. w( E9 h+ a' C6 N1 R我爱上你的大嘴唇! z2 q+ @  Y8 Q& p5 K. u/ C
XXXXX
( E/ T" C9 T! p& F不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?2 M4 x+ O3 k7 S8 o% d( }

7 n" H* H' _) V/ W* F. V如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER0 p4 Q- N2 e( ?' I5 m
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
, B' z3 }5 C: N$ Y, ]闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
& O2 I/ }7 X1 l2 F, y你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
5 j' P7 T: c1 X$ E) |就和用中文写一次. @* U# M6 d2 @& |2 M" A
阿,我爱你# C: a  E0 i2 `8 i( ^
你让我心跳好快0 [) J, w  u" A- U) p  {. x/ N
你让我脸发热/ k, f+ Q2 C( j$ K& `: v' o& P
我爱上你的大嘴唇& K9 A7 ]4 e4 h! X
XXXXX
0 b+ w0 m& r) N4 L1 K不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

, N0 ?: C: ^( l5 S
1 s/ O3 f+ _  q; B靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.$ [2 {' {; m4 G" f% }) X2 z
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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