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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love2 S8 }7 {, K+ b# l$ }
7 U8 t2 L$ z' k- B" V5 S6 [$ N
I fell in love with you
8 f1 d$ c2 P; X* l" QAt the first week we met$ Y4 y+ U; t9 D$ g  {
3 u; ?+ s! w9 p3 X* C# o' V' E
You have charm, you have looks. V6 J1 ^. ^/ t& p! b* V
with full of pimples in face; {1 b  d/ S5 c9 I1 T9 Z+ C
As spotting sky at a summer night
' K6 v8 a% F/ a3 N3 PThey are shining stars
3 j# ]; f; R  j5 S2 z
3 [" H/ h! _* ?# l  b" D& PYour lip is so big1 J9 r7 E! [7 k: y- Y( A2 j: A
And that’s good for a kiss
* q7 q5 U6 v' C" U) }Your body is chubby2 n5 q' ~' @9 B9 z. j6 I1 `* I: K2 ]1 b5 X
And that is good for sex
, ^' d! [; |- G1 f4 d
  H/ n+ O4 Z8 j3 M" kI was deeply in love
2 Q: T6 H9 o; z* dEverything from you is positive% C; I/ |7 `. j. Y
You blame me everything and everyday) k: j( Y' Z" C# }( P* ^
And I think all girls sound like4 _/ R# {) i, Y2 r

0 z6 D, m- u9 E/ Q3 p  b( ~7 iYou could not stand my eating
" ^/ k2 `) r8 c) o- ~1 HSaying no good for making funny sound6 `9 [- r) {  j! {1 {
I think you are perfectly right7 t6 m$ i8 x, C9 ~
Eating with sound is a pig
0 t3 J1 L: }1 E( b) _& Z0 L9 H) \1 }
I fell in love with you
( J$ {% K9 e  n) N' cBecome a fool to think
( q0 C9 G7 }% U+ T! C, H2 YAll trouble things you did& @' [7 w8 h( V0 [& m
And that is the price for love3 n6 [: W& v2 m7 b% B7 ~) A! t

" J' L3 Q7 L. {you are deeply in love
! b8 n( R, L4 a' S! nEverything from me is negative. d  c/ g' Z* B2 s7 q) n. d& `/ u
"My man should be like this,# K0 h. J5 w/ L9 L2 I
and I am helping you to improve'# y; F' M- r' m: x4 r9 v

1 a6 K7 ]$ U" g/ VYou are loving me
5 U5 a9 i8 ~0 o, v) c; C( a- Nor that one in your mind?% o7 h/ x  v) E, K1 J
My mind is like a mud
8 P9 d4 V0 A5 rcan be shaped whatever you want; }1 z( `$ D7 w" c! M0 g2 W% Q
. z5 V7 y4 W8 h. _( K6 r! P" z
unfortunalety not my heart# I; k9 C3 A# i2 R0 ]$ H- H
It is slashed by you
9 E4 Q; x7 X# e( mand I am seriously hurt( a! T  j3 O3 N, V8 h7 G

3 L# N( W( x7 d% W- G0 A: qI will never love another ' F/ J& _. X" }$ v/ b
If my heart can be fixed
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
* q( I6 l0 z; W, W9 G1 hmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
# o0 t) O8 g% x7 U) l
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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!1 g9 M5 R- y' l6 a; B' P: @
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
. v8 q5 S8 E( C8 ci am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.$ W' s+ R( h3 p6 {- f7 H
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed! q  w9 k# N/ }4 _) T

) c7 Y4 a8 b. owith the charm,' \: B2 B/ Q6 n8 _
with the simles.
% C1 h! z+ g" V- l+ h) Y; {I fell in love with you
' l3 Z0 T! D! ^3 BIn the first sign.
9 Z( Y* f: g1 s/ M7 nAs spotting sky at a summer
0 j& G& k6 l  p. F% v* j/ e  X4 y" b! r; m* X/ g
Your lip is so soft
- ^5 ?5 `3 C" g2 s3 e1 R. y* A! kthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss) f0 s1 F  n  a: m* r5 t! K, Z8 X
Your body is so sexy( n9 y* U# e1 [1 m" K* K- r% a( _
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
$ L0 ]% M% ]% W' ?9 {, h7 |( N/ g7 ]% x
I am deeply in love
- Y* Z# e  y' a! C0 {" wEverything from you is so charming3 V9 X! M( B3 c( c$ A. w0 m. s' s
although You r so picky for me 3 X% w, w) a% K7 K; X, u" E5 w
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.& T* [1 ~; X" @$ v$ X# Y5 D, e; P* R
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem( D7 ]& \( Z) {

3 m4 _; D. y" c& p- J! Z& [% D: i5 R" @/ m& o- j5 z
His hello is the end of her endings* k; J/ A- H" }! O% s% r) X
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle7 e$ Q  F& J( A; M6 T
His hand would be hers to hold forever
- ?/ v$ c1 Q2 K# n, p0 |9 \3 kHis forever is simply as her smile
& S+ W4 F/ M# E1 qHe said she was what was missing
) z: ^3 y4 v; s5 RShe said instantly she knew
, s4 r5 C! L# Q& X; W( CShe was a question to be answered' k8 l1 W* o5 B) z0 w: ?' t& q
And his answer is
% ?  }; C7 W1 k% m  O' o8 JI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas4 R; O( c$ z1 j

7 m; @" ]$ r1 f# R. mBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
: R7 {3 m+ }6 d+ o
/ E, c2 ?9 I- ^$ {+ ^It's amazing how I felt 0 ?. d& d+ M( @3 w9 W. J
when I was with you
( j, b7 F5 X) R8 x4 {/ U+ j6 Y( }My heart beat so fast5 X- [) T$ Y8 u" \0 R+ h7 l1 A
I looked at you and thought7 `1 h2 |& P: d2 S& y
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
5 B& d, L# n6 ^+ |7 ]0 j/ f& R( S, j9 X9 q
You left me without a word; Q% c! i, t+ t& d
I have nothing except my emptiness6 ]* H& V+ e, O4 e. Q
My mood is like a cloud& |# M3 @$ L/ d- j- I7 G% L0 Y
How could it be dispersed?
; E* N2 l. f# ~/ u! v8 t% T  j3 l# B  K) c1 j
Feelings bite my heart
! c* |! L, l8 l( s/ }- SYou are the right one I wait
# }6 ?& v- s0 [& j8 v/ TIn the depth of my soul% a* z  v% ^  B% t) Z
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美9 \; q3 w5 i/ Z3 g0 K
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道1 q2 Q0 h- l( U. P
就和用中文写一次
$ h" T/ O+ X$ a阿,我爱你/ b4 `( q4 m; m* y$ s
你让我心跳好快9 Y: g' |% _- c' S5 F
你让我脸发热9 J. |, T# V0 c% O3 T+ e. C) ]
我爱上你的大嘴唇
" H5 ?8 ~" \* r! i* XXXXXX
/ ~' H5 }7 r. f) e5 `不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
8 T' ~1 L+ R% w) B$ E
$ y+ r; ?3 m' P+ H' a如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
  J) X# Z) C/ M& c8 O9 g至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 1 v; D6 B: `2 [/ s& \7 e7 M
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
+ |. e% t4 m- T% i7 Q1 E你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道6 F; ~" p* c( E. W! _/ p7 y' y
就和用中文写一次
1 d5 A( x0 A0 @. E' q阿,我爱你
5 o3 Q8 G, i" r4 L你让我心跳好快2 Q3 C. }2 ?- |  }+ Y5 q8 Q: F
你让我脸发热$ G3 i9 ~" N/ K0 K4 W9 J/ z: L
我爱上你的大嘴唇
& r$ r, g3 A# w8 ^& }9 E2 `# kXXXXX3 E  y7 C( y, `/ s: u; J7 f/ ]
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

5 r4 D/ x" j1 a5 R4 a2 ^! [
8 t( y! {. Y! M靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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