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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love3 L, D! c- z2 f+ w6 F# D( ?

& h; W- Y2 |) x# D  mI fell in love with you
# H9 `1 A3 ]1 wAt the first week we met+ D+ V9 Z9 b% S0 ?0 C6 z; K
0 }9 j* S2 i( k8 ]. R- I
You have charm, you have looks, a% d4 T) ~2 I
with full of pimples in face
% C8 C% [3 x" [7 Y1 ~/ }As spotting sky at a summer night0 o/ t$ {" K$ \
They are shining stars# ?% ^3 p1 |# o6 L1 d, I1 t
/ N3 u) U) _, u( W3 R6 k
Your lip is so big
6 c) I8 V/ W5 y) v$ [7 x3 m8 `And that’s good for a kiss/ X& j) `6 V9 v
Your body is chubby! i" \; G" O* J
And that is good for sex  P  B1 V* |$ v5 Y7 b! l; J
; a3 l) `0 }: A' t
I was deeply in love) n1 N" K2 F" g" u' M, B
Everything from you is positive
7 c7 F0 V3 _5 S* uYou blame me everything and everyday
7 X5 U6 `) R+ i- N0 a6 E" i/ @And I think all girls sound like
. P4 j) R7 {) D( J- I0 m
' z/ |7 L4 J% |You could not stand my eating
( K$ U1 f6 s: j9 `Saying no good for making funny sound& k2 ~. W( F3 m% \4 O& c$ J7 c
I think you are perfectly right' C, V4 }- M& I/ l
Eating with sound is a pig" {" P) \$ M0 W, C1 m/ N

. O. B7 ]7 f3 sI fell in love with you ) W4 M$ R. k6 p. ~2 j- H# k
Become a fool to think- U* R: }9 S# B4 M# O1 g' J1 x. ]
All trouble things you did
0 r' k6 w: j/ t2 |$ @' kAnd that is the price for love
! t) G; [& t* b* ^1 X% p
! B  Y* A, F' wyou are deeply in love
6 P; t" M0 F1 P1 T$ k- h. xEverything from me is negative
- ~" q$ H* j  y( A# E"My man should be like this,2 d& ~' }* f$ `$ C+ S% f
and I am helping you to improve'
' e2 B6 F3 T4 z, U% h( Y4 {; h) I
( f2 D( q9 e5 W$ H  C8 _9 V! BYou are loving me # p; M& y4 X1 l5 b# v* N/ r$ G. Q
or that one in your mind?: ]1 }- u/ j% X. D) j  S% O" Z8 h' o
My mind is like a mud
1 I# Q9 v2 G5 F' z9 Vcan be shaped whatever you want- y* R! r# R* X7 F$ n# B

+ F; H' Z3 ~3 xunfortunalety not my heart
) z# C" s# g4 R# D, e+ UIt is slashed by you
# ^9 _( g5 T0 L$ C  J/ Wand I am seriously hurt, @' S; r, {; c1 G6 F1 r
4 u0 R7 z1 g/ c6 [7 F7 B+ ~  \
I will never love another , D5 p- u4 v$ B+ o0 {
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 " I3 l4 W9 i9 a% x! U  R- S
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
  T2 ]( T& l8 o7 O6 N, G$ [& ~3 v不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 8 Z# v6 G2 x  q$ `6 w5 U
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.5 P" N0 i0 O1 S# N
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed# V0 h4 p  {, q' a! Y

( m8 J. ]' ?+ H: N1 A) nwith the charm,( \& z# w- X! L8 y
with the simles.) i* o( ~5 r6 Z2 Z" s2 g1 \1 E
I fell in love with you
$ E& N% p8 R' I: ?7 S" \" X& I& d& |5 uIn the first sign.5 B( P! F# e; C; w
As spotting sky at a summer
! L$ K# ]. X- Q4 j6 j# S$ f! c1 w& a+ S. K- {9 `- t
Your lip is so soft . h0 P2 _& q6 r% ~1 [
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
7 G& F" F' d' M; X9 r" ZYour body is so sexy% U* [; [1 a% a& X
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
/ k7 s7 p* i7 I$ D2 E! h7 r! a! O- \, u- A
I am deeply in love
0 u  z7 x! i3 V% R: D  }/ qEverything from you is so charming6 C& m. `3 J7 c3 o7 q# r
although You r so picky for me
6 g5 f4 S0 V6 r1 q& I' q4 T) uAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.; T, Q% f2 t: B8 x
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem5 ~) W; m. G9 }4 A% G

  E+ d) D3 R& p3 [+ T; T1 s6 u$ A9 v3 i" z* H9 p5 ^3 `9 w
His hello is the end of her endings# w8 |) ~  K( {: _0 g7 C' @
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle8 B. y" K" w1 P
His hand would be hers to hold forever) I9 }5 ~: S# g" ^; r
His forever is simply as her smile
6 d* w2 u: ?. N7 P* J8 qHe said she was what was missing
! [. X# q0 B9 xShe said instantly she knew
  D; A# {5 y1 RShe was a question to be answered( }/ D6 P! a! h# E" l5 Z
And his answer is * N. d5 I; B4 b" f$ M" ]
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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  m; ?- {. v% w1 j0 H3 k7 dBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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+ {2 Z# b) q8 u2 [It's amazing how I felt
* ?0 }: ]: X5 V' b9 K# ^when I was with you
1 d% L; K2 ]* v5 n' aMy heart beat so fast* b; y; u: `- ~2 r- Q
I looked at you and thought% \4 B; T% |3 k$ @' j5 O
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
$ x, ?3 |' L4 A6 N5 `
: g8 n: k/ u2 ~# Z) U+ bYou left me without a word4 O% r6 T" E; e
I have nothing except my emptiness
& [/ J; N  n7 tMy mood is like a cloud/ o$ V/ N/ Z& `" Y+ E5 t
How could it be dispersed?/ L! \# g; g# ?7 ^$ f, ~1 y
0 W8 f+ J0 _/ s! _
Feelings bite my heart 0 Y9 J1 D) k- `; _8 N- _
You are the right one I wait
0 a! [/ s6 m; B) QIn the depth of my soul
/ c6 s: S5 a) e! `/ y$ c; BI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ B9 D" \8 t) ^- l+ T你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* r/ Y5 p! Q, b, u+ H! r# h! e4 [# ~就和用中文写一次
/ ~# L9 \4 P2 g4 H8 `: [/ t; u) V阿,我爱你3 R5 [* c. F% M0 t; m# q
你让我心跳好快
2 ?( B) H3 ]9 i你让我脸发热
& y% v2 \3 \! T  ^0 Q我爱上你的大嘴唇3 _' h& t5 @" d- J# ]& A  r
XXXXX
& M, r5 i6 _( K2 a, X不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?* L3 m: P5 W7 A) R4 G8 b
6 Q* Z3 _7 R5 V9 S3 p3 Y5 I0 [9 y
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER9 b$ ?, G0 x* S
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 6 d( L" m% U, Z- {$ H- j
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美. f% p) i9 J1 [: B4 b7 Y: ?
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 q$ f' E5 Y: f% N6 N1 K7 ]4 E就和用中文写一次
& q' w3 B0 n/ _9 V$ ^) v) X阿,我爱你
- u, q( x& H3 {# I你让我心跳好快
9 @, J) l+ [0 ~你让我脸发热5 d1 Y2 u, b7 H% R
我爱上你的大嘴唇
' |; \! g; Q: h1 zXXXXX
" c% ^7 x0 e" V4 ?% o; \+ n6 S不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

# l4 E/ _& W; x& H. f5 G
* u( \7 L0 b4 ~7 b1 t5 _9 A靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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