我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
( }$ x5 E1 m! m+ l& w  C5 t
" m4 d5 L* t& R5 g; [I fell in love with you
& d2 y! ?! N# v0 `% pAt the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
& _6 n1 }/ Z2 L% Q, CAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

- Y& W; H# J6 HYour lip is so big
* t6 K0 `) j0 l7 E( W" ]4 Y# o( c0 d/ \And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
3 s7 ?/ y; g6 P' b: J' FAnd that is good for sex

0 F% v7 n; s) u) E) {+ b8 BI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
- m; C4 Z  c1 WYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
& Y$ D' o) ^. L
- R# d  Q9 o, y2 V6 BYou could not stand my eating
; n: T: \$ Q- o7 m# ^7 A' GSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

3 I% r+ H9 u  i4 x0 vI fell in love with you
' ^5 w) V$ u0 gBecome a fool to think
' S7 f  p1 |) p3 p$ ?2 MAll trouble things you did
2 ~4 @4 ?+ @& Q9 y4 ^) V/ IAnd that is the price for love
/ K. b; l# [7 W
3 M5 J) |0 Q6 G1 xyou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
5 H& @2 A- D) X"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

9 }3 T3 k; d6 {. f4 V3 {+ ~% JYou are loving me
) \, q3 s: ?& q1 [0 p4 b- yor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
# Y; \; `  @4 ^6 x0 q- X( m7 b- ~can be shaped whatever you want
1 l0 Z, H7 |' g3 C
! s9 |, e6 r% ^) Zunfortunalety not my heart
6 k4 r2 O5 |& @0 i0 t- cIt is slashed by you
  Y  y+ Z3 V- iand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
/ N# l- }; T3 |* o9 p, JIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
0 b$ T" Y8 i- N% O2 Zmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
/ [: b, V8 H( C  j' D$ ai am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

' ?. W6 S; N- `+ X" k+ B- jwith the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
' L7 m$ l& }, n$ d# l5 j5 q: PIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
- b! L. x6 Q" b: X; p+ mthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 X: k, p) [' P  c; T: `5 IYour body is so sexy
  ~7 v0 z& {' sAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
, K, Y. t" o) |
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
  }' @% @1 _8 B$ \And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
/ e" e3 L" j3 b/ N- ]; [But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
# o; Q: [  b; X& C
/ v6 B( E& U' Z6 [2 t
; B. y9 q% _' |+ ?His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
( A$ T/ Y6 y& x' n( m0 xHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
" O; F* F1 K9 F  X) Q8 b! e' ~, hHe said she was what was missing
- x3 v: w! f! h- c1 U- eShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
" Z: l# {6 u1 N1 M; XAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

! P6 t+ l: C* TBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
1 V6 l2 s9 O# ~) |( owhen I was with you
# m# @7 |- S: w$ Q" K& IMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
. ~! M! [9 p1 ~& z. j6 R
  f; L( g  i2 ~# G& v$ {You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
- w8 q4 g& m$ Y" E; uMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
+ ]5 e6 F, N" c6 Y* C" K" jYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
) }" l- L7 P' M% L7 J4 _& Y你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
4 Q# m/ J* v9 [  J6 t; {4 G阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
* _- {% Y( ?$ r  O1 i你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
# U2 u  W7 c# T+ u$ K! J# R
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
2 K+ O7 \. O* r- y' S闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 w% B# E5 r: K$ e0 d5 a你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! B$ l5 b( U3 p( `就和用中文写一次
( ^/ ]5 h" M5 j  x阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
) I% R+ ?* t! E! @, [XXXXX
" G, ?  K$ v; Y  C- ?( A3 t不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

  T# c% h, V8 m8 Q; B8 g1 ^靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
# @6 ^" l4 m+ h: y3 N  f1 l

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。