我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

% G1 `* f. {* u; L% cI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
+ B( _# a- S9 ~' {3 M& w7 V
You have charm, you have looks
& e- C- }0 B$ O5 T8 O6 y& i2 owith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
3 x) S2 l% c" T' {) k
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
# E1 U; A+ z* y5 j5 j9 o. {+ AYour body is chubby
6 ^' z. E6 `$ \" mAnd that is good for sex
. ?1 o7 G/ O0 O+ N# g8 f, s+ ~+ S
, Y6 H/ T6 @! tI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
' l( w- l6 C/ e6 V: Z4 M1 o+ BAnd I think all girls sound like
0 w/ }4 E% T9 n# @. n4 T; C9 i- O
You could not stand my eating
' T) T/ P7 C" f8 v2 bSaying no good for making funny sound
; y9 u* f. O1 _I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
* E& |% M- `( A
9 o# y1 p7 f' F! v/ ~9 m% MI fell in love with you
2 D% \8 W- V2 |3 v" cBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
9 g! a- ?/ @& Q6 pAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
& ]8 u# ?) l4 z) r3 TEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
; E% N5 P' Y6 D$ X, z9 \' P
7 O" H1 H3 X' ~  XYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
" K4 L+ a  w& L  P% s' I! }+ JMy mind is like a mud
* O, k8 X" Z. C5 X2 o1 `& H. k0 ccan be shaped whatever you want

/ S9 f8 f0 g1 R4 W. P8 h% iunfortunalety not my heart
! E* B! N2 M, k$ ~; r' pIt is slashed by you
7 f& z* s4 C# j+ rand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

/ a" R8 X2 a& T1 S- x$ j# R, S' D
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
6 n4 j# H) w. \5 }i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
+ S! t% \' _! q* V/ ]; Gwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
  f( u, T" o; t, \9 [In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

$ }, r) r: c( g& q. x3 PYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 y) k( O3 g- ~2 a3 U: k* ?Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
7 N( e  L( g& @" R6 K& k, HEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
- R- Q1 s3 q" C) _  O% fAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
5 r9 V3 Y' h* I1 ~' jBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

. c' v4 z: A; ]$ G, L
, d' l7 R& U9 N5 c3 |$ H9 qHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
, @, O+ C1 C# i$ Q$ F; SHis hand would be hers to hold forever
" t* \! {  W" m$ l0 [0 N/ _His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
* q4 t5 g, v* U  V& _" ]And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
+ l' R' ]# X) h! S, y" I# [- c
7 w/ y# d2 s0 b- V6 DBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
4 a8 e7 G- X% @7 s" `
! z* ^  s7 u+ A5 hIt's amazing how I felt
& m7 P4 m$ M" ]: T5 T6 Ywhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
3 e. d% ^2 ~9 \& s% S9 o6 KI looked at you and thought
6 y- q% i  n2 {0 q$ wHoly Jesus, you were so cute
7 d9 U& e: u! }  p* v0 i
* ]/ x3 t' ~7 W: e7 j' EYou left me without a word
+ \* `/ V0 U* W% ^: Z: J1 J) BI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
: ^. p' t. a/ v4 @How could it be dispersed?
1 x% N, ]/ Z# O6 x
Feelings bite my heart
) O8 R: }# V; t  y7 G* \8 l$ `) mYou are the right one I wait
) L" r/ q( b) O0 X1 P8 m1 S7 y8 pIn the depth of my soul
4 w9 H3 E# F- m* g4 w+ ?+ O4 qI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
8 z; C/ p) W7 o4 ~8 [你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

7 q$ P) J5 i  ]# J" n( Z2 {如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
/ n) h8 y7 {' X7 t8 d0 g你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
& ~" y1 J/ `3 T. E! ?你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
% A1 N8 c0 t/ U7 j' V# ^: |( dXXXXX
% _3 [8 r- r$ o! ~+ t9 Z. s不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

" m. Z7 r2 T! B6 }: b. k
7 b5 O6 a4 P$ B) ~& |' Q$ h靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
$ f7 q. {2 U$ D% Y

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。