Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

1 C8 @: \1 h$ M! r) WThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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% E+ S( l4 J: w/ T1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

' k5 I' e9 z1 Z/ S0 R2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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9 W# K. \# d$ Z" z& h6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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% G- L, C( S1 ?- Y2 ~# j; X/ C9 ]8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

" N5 O* Q# h2 F) x) G* l9 W9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

9 m" y; T/ v  c; t$ j& t9 a# z0 C12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

$ w; N0 S, W6 l% M4 D13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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9 z8 O& t9 G  G% c' O4 J* ^$ {15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.