Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

( {# f; [/ d+ n" J$ s4 RThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3 E7 {( @& _0 ^% m6 l2 S7 [3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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( G, P& z! w$ M4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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: O9 E) X3 W( G6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

4 l( |1 R8 i4 @; r+ }, ^( S8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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7 X/ a1 i; L3 G  M" m9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

) S" H7 C9 u1 l7 ~12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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5 l2 q) Q+ J, C) [13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

& n+ G5 F4 N( z; q! d, \' h# E* q5 n15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

- r" s$ e9 ^5 b  K9 U5 X16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.