Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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) c: Z( a3 Y' w1 U. FThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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) u8 [4 M5 F% G% M4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

% o% m/ Z- E2 l: s3 j$ ~2 ]+ ?# C9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

) P( D, h0 H/ Q1 l1 C* @" O( U12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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" i/ ?4 u! _: E) {  E, z13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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* `' L4 K/ \) @1 d6 z+ @$ A# q14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.