Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

5 c" F% @6 I1 [& A' C& eThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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, C$ d) \) }9 Y2 B1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

. _) F; ~$ u$ D, W# w5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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  M' X1 M+ N1 K& d9 m6 l7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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- S, Z7 c+ d- r8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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- u$ Z. p; d" {8 B2 }9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

0 [& F( o/ h6 p- o; Q7 U12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

& K8 u* e* {9 k% W$ i0 Z13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

: C2 n$ H6 d5 C8 d. K2 w  J: {7 x$ R* K: ^14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

5 R. S. a4 I6 p7 Z0 @15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.